A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is moving back home from uni very soon. The problem is she doesnt like my fiance and barely speaks to him unless she wants him to do something for her. Its not been too difficult when its just for a few days at a time but full time, i must admit im dreading it. To a certain degree i can understand why she acts like this so i make allowances, you see her father, my ex, is very bitter about our split even though it was 3 years ago. I have been with my new partner for 2 years. My ex is an alcoholic which has got a lot worse since we split, lost his driving license, job, etc. I think my daughter sees that he is so down and then sees me so happy and takes it out on us. She can be very rude to me and say some nasty things which then upsets my fiance. I am so worried this is going to cause problems at home, but she is my daughter and i honestly dont know what to do about her behaviour, she has always been a model child before me and her father split, when i told her she even said her father had brought this on himself. My fiance is very loving and patient but i cant expect him to put up with her behaviour and rudeness. I have said to my daughter she has to stop treating us so bad or she cant stay in our house, but then i know what im like and i couldnt bare to ask her to leave. Please has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this situation.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 caring guy is 100% right. dont expect her to just be decent around ur fiance...even if she is, r u gonna be happy that she isnt truly at peace? take her out and TALK with her. COMMUNICATE. dont tell her she needs to respect ur fiance etc...focus on HER. ask her how she wants to go about things now. APOLOGIZE u said ur gonna kick her out. tell her shes ur baby and nobody will kick her out. since ur being such a good girlfriend im sure u can be an amazing mother aswell.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Your daughter is not a child anymore, if she's now in university. She is an adult, and as such she should be treated like one. This means that she does not get to control or dictate when and who her parents date. And she does not get to show disrespect and rudeness to people who have done nothing wrong to her (i.e. your fiance) but simply because she doesn't like that they are there. (oh but except when she wants something from him then she will talk to him...)She's clearly upset by the upheaval in her family but again, she's not a little kid, she is now an adult and she needs to learn how to deal with this. Throwing tantrums should not be rewarded. Being rude and disrespectful to your fiance is appalling behavior. Talking to him only when she wants something from him, is extremely rude as well. He has done no wrong to her and he is a saint if he is putting up with this.Her father is an alcoholic and is the one who broke apart the marriage. Your daughter has no idea what you went through in the marriage, because it was your marriage not hers. She does not know how deeply you were hurt by her father. I think you need to have a talk (or more) with your daughter where you try to listen and understand how she feels, BUT while also explaining to her that things went on in your marriage that she has no clue about and which is between you and her father only, and which is why you got divorced. Explain to her that she is not the only one hurting from the divorce - that you were hurting long before the divorce actually happened, lest she think that she's the only one suffering in this family. Just because she wants her parents to get back together doesn't mean it should happen just because she wants it. But I think that what also upsets her a lot is if she doesn't feel heard or acknowledged. If she feels that you are listening - truly listening I mean - and trying to understand and caring about her feelings, then I think she may become less antagonistic toward you and your fiance.You may also just have to accept that your daughter may not be OK with this for a long time to come. Perhaps it's only many years into the future (maybe when she has experienced painful relationship break ups or even divorce herself) that she will ever understand or accept it. In the meantime, you should not make your personal life with your fiance contingent on your daughter's approval. Let your daughter know that you are always there for her, and that your home is open to her, and that while you understand and accept that she doesn't like your fiance still it is only reasonable that she show basic courtesy and civility to him because it is his home too. she doesn't have to like him, but she does have to show basic manners and civility to him as she would to any stranger who has done no wrong to her.And yes if she absolutely refuses to show basic civility to him, then I would kick her out of the house. She is an adult, if despite all of your efforts to reach out to her she persists in refusing to show even the most basic courtesy and self-restraint around your fiance, then SHE is choosing to sever the relationship with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 June 2012):
I'm not sure that you've entirely looked at this from your daughter's point of view. She must be a total mess with what has happened in the last few years.
1 - Her father is an alcoholic who has brought distress to you and to her. My mother's father (my 'grandfather') was an alcoholic, and it entirely screwed up my mother's childhood.
2 - Her father has now got even worse.
3 - Within one year of you two spitting, you'd found someone else.
4 - You've now told her that unless she stops acting this way, she won't stay at the house.
What you have here is one very, very unhappy girl who clearly feels she hasn't got a shred of stability in her home life. Her father has chosen alcohol and has gotten worse. Her mother has chosen her fiance and has threatened to kick her out. So who has she got? Where can she go? Who stands by her when she looks around and sees that you've moved on to someone else, her father's killing herself and no one seems to be trying to talk to her.
My advice to you is to have some serious mother-daughter boding time. Go for a walk with her, and actually try to talk to her about how she feels, and what has happened to her in the last few years that has caused her to so dramatically change.
And please, PLEASE drop the threats about throwing her out. This happened to someone I knew once, and the girl left and simply didn't come back.
Talk to your daughter and make sure she knows that someone is there. Because right now, to her, Daddy's killing himself and Mummy's gone off with Mr Perfect to make her new life without her.
Get on her side, talk to her, do whatever it takes. That's your job.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Not much you can do.Your college-age daughter is under no obligation to bond with, befriend, like or get alomg with http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/answer-guidelines.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Your divorce didn't just affect you and your husband, it affected your daughter as well. You moved on very quickly after your long standing marriage. You found your "joy". The other 2 didn't.Did your daughter get some sort of counselling after your traumatic divorce? Any coping skills? I will not advise you on your daughters behaviour because I Know the other Aunts will provide immense insight. I chose to only focus on her "aftermath of the divorce issues" . As you have said your daughter was a model kid up until the divorce. This is something for you to think about AND acknowledge. Your divorce also killed another soul: your daughters: she's angry: she's hurt: she has issues that she has not dealt with. And both you and your now ex husband did not assist her to make the transition to blended/seperated/divorced families.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Why doesn't she like your fiance?
I think quite frankly you got into a serious relationship too soon and that is going to upset your daughter.
And in all honesty, the fact that you've told your daughter that you'd consider throwing her out is going to upset her deeply. Have you considered for one moment that that is effectively telling her that your partner of only three years if more important than her!
I think you need to apologise to your daughter for making such a threat, and make sure she understands how important she is to you.
It doesn't matter that she's an adult - it's still rejection by a parent.
That's pretty shameful.
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