A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm going to my cousin's 30th birthday party next week, but I can't take my boyfriend with me, as my dad is going to the party too, and he doesn't want to be around my boyfriend. My boyfriend used some bad language when he came to my dad's birthday party earlier this year with me. To be fair, he had had a lot too drink. He also has Bipolar Disorder. My dad's friends heard him use the bad language and they kept shouting at him. One of my dad's friends even knocked my boyfriend's head against the car window because he wouldn't be quiet!. My boyfriend doesn't remember any of it though. I think my dad should be sympathetic about my boyfriend's mental illness. I don't think it is fair that everyone else with be with their partners at the party next week, and yet I can't go with my boyfriend. My dad might have to be around my boyfriend at some point ( for example, if we get married or have a baby, if I have a birthday party, e.t.c ). Believe me, he isn't that bad really. Do you think this is fair or not?.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 As I wrote in my previous post that ended up by mistake under another question, you seem to think that having Bipolar Disorder means being entitled to do the heck you want whenever you want , and it is the same as being an irrational stark raving mad lunatic. It is not so at all.
Having Bipolar Disorder you still have the capacity to reason and understand, therefore you are still acccountable for your choices and behaviours. For instance, you are responsible for monitoring your condition. You say he is not on any medications and not in therapy- and why not ??
So that he can go around shouting obscenities and making trouble without having to take the blame for it ?
Your bf should be on meds, and once on meds, obviously he could not drink anything , period and problem solved. Or, if he really does not want to cure his condition, and he knows alcohol does not mix well with it, he can at least stay away as much as possible from drinks, and partake in moderation. It says nowhere that , bipolar or not, he has to get pig -drunk and act otrageous. That's his choice. And your choice to enable him ,like you are doing now Your father does not have to share your choices and has any right to want to keep your bf away from his family and friends.
Now, what should you say if your family asks about your bf. I'd say ,keep it short and simple, you are not obliged to tell them all your life story. If they ask you why he is not there, you just say " he could not make it ". If they ask you why he acted as such a jerk at the other party, cut it short , say " I guess he had too much to drink " and change subject.
You have about one year till your 30th birthday to try and whip him up in shape as much that he can act semi-civil at a party, his current inability to do so having, , I suspect, nothing to do with Bipolar per se, just with not wanting to take responsibility for his life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): I wanted to ask this though. What should I say if my family ask about my boyfriend at the party?. I mean, if they ask any general questions about him.I'm not sure if they know what happened on my dad's birthday, or that he has a mental illness.My boyfriend also told me that he felt uncomfortable around my family and my dad's friends that night. He has panic attacks sometimes. I had kind of forced him to go to my dad's party with me, as I don't see my dad very often, and we haven't always got along that well, and I was nervous about being around his friends, as I hardly know them. I'm actually nervous about going to my cousin's party too. I don't have much self esteem, and also, I hardly know my cousins, and aunts and uncles, as we all live in different areas. I feel ashamed that I am unemployed, and my relatives have good jobs ( some people would describe them as being posh, and my dad's friends can come across as posh too ). I'm not like that at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): The thing is, my boyfriend might not have acted that way again at my cousin's party. And, as I said, what will my dad do if I ever have a baby with my boyfriend, or marry him?. I'm 30 next year, and I am thinking of having a party then, and if I am still with my boyfriend, I will invite him, and I would want my dad there too. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I was a bit cruel towards my boyfriend that night. He said it had been on his mind. He shouted " kiss my d***" a few times. My boyfriend and I, my brother, and my dad's friends ( two men and their wives ) were on the way home in the mini bus ( so my dad wasn't there then ). We had been out for a meal, and then we went back to my dad's flat for some drinks. I should have told my dad that we weren't going back to the flat really, and I should have explained that I didn't want to risk my boyfriend having a lot to drink. My dad's friends were angry I think because my boyfriend used such a vulgar expression infront of the women in the mini bus . I don't like foul language either, but I don't think that is a reason to break up with someone, or to be violent towards them ( like when my dad's friend knocked his head against the window ). I actually think that I should have contacted the police because of what my dad's friend did. My dad's friend called my dad the day after and told him what my boyfriend had done.It is sad because my dad and his friends hardly know my boyfriend. If they saw what he is like the majority of the time, they would think he is a lovely person. We are very much in love, and he can be so sweet, kind and funny. Ok, when he drinks, it is like he is a different person sometimes, but I wouldn't want to break up with him. He isn't on any medication, by the way, and doesn't have counselling at the moment.I think that my dad should compromise and meet my boyfriend again in a different setting perhaps?. And you can't tell me that my dad, his friends, and my relatives have never used foul language or got drunk in their lives?. No one is perfect. I do wish that he wouldn't drink so much sometimes, or that he could behave better when he has had a drink.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 OP,
My take on this is on several levels. there is tolerating and accepting of mental illness and then there are people who use having a mental illness as an excuse to be an asshole. I'm sensing your boyfriend falls into the latter category and you have accepted his rationale for his bad behavior as such. This is an EXCUSE.
I have ADHD. It's QUITE severe and while we keep trying to find meds that help, I have minimal success. WHEN my ADHD impacts on my life (and it does daily since it's much more than just paying attention as so many think) I OWN my behavior. I apologize for it. I FIX IT as best as I can (did I forget to do something? if so I DO IT right away, if I realize I said or did something inappropriate I APOLOGIZE to the person or people (including my grown children or my spouse)
THERE is a difference between an EXCUSE (I did it because I'm bi-polar deal with it) and an EXPLANATION ( I have bi-polar disorder and sometimes I say things like I did and I do not mean it. I am SORRY for my outburst and I will continue to work with my professional team to control this)
I had this a few weeks ago at work. I got frustrated with someone and something and I BLEW UP at my office... I came in the next day and THE FIRST thing I said to the person who I vented upon was "I owe you an apology and I am sorry". PART and PARCEL of having a mental illness is being responsible for your behavior. If he says "I can't help it I'm bi-polar" then he's not being responsible an even I would not tolerate his behavior.
1. if your boyfriend is truly bi-polar he needs to be in treatment both behavioral (coping skills) and physiological (biofeedback as well as chemical (medications). There are many options of meds for bi-polar disorder and it's a fairly easy disorder to manage once the right treatment is found.
2. if he has a mental illness he should not be drinking alcohol at all much less to excess. That is self-medicating behavior if he's not on meds and if you are on psychotropic drugs usually you cannot drink alcohol. Either way he should not be drinking.
If he has NOT apologized for his bad behavior at a previous event, if he has not owned his bad behavior at the previous event, if he has not done anything to improve on his situation (i.e. stop drinking and get medical treatment) then I thnk it's VERY fair to prohibit him at family events until he can be adult and own his behavior and work at fixing what's wrong. This btw would include if he was your spouse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): OP what has your boyfriend done to fix this?
You seem to think your dad is some kind of asshole for not a guy who caused major trouble at the last party to be at this one and do the same thing.
Well shit OP why would anyone want a trouble maker at their party? Why would you be so upset that people don't want an asshole, loud mouth, obnoxious, abusive drunk at their party? Because he's mentally ill? That's no excuse. I have friends ravaged by bipolar disorder, they're not abusive or obnoxious.
OP sympathy for mental illness is not the issue here, you're asking them to accept a guy who behaves that way and will probably ruin this party too. You may accept that, you may think it's fine for him to fuck up that way because he's mentally ill, well others don't.
OP even in your post you try to water it down by calling it bad language, when I bet my house it wasn't him just saying a "fuck" or two he was probably abusing people otherwise why did he get his head smacked off the window and be told off by a lot of people?
OP if this was your 30th birthday party would you think it was fair if people brought others who they knew would cause trouble? Dpn't try and say you would, you wouldn't appreciate that at all and that's exactly what your boyfriend did.
Well OP, what has your boyfriend done to resolve this?
I would have been at your house the next day with a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and I would be apologizing to your father and talking it out with him. I would publicly offer my apologies to them on Facebook or if I could individually. Your boyfriend caused the damage OP he should fix it. You see OP when we adults fuck up, it's our mess to clean not the people we've wronged and we can't just accept everyone to tolerate our bad behaviour either.
Again though, it is perfectly fair for people not to want a guy who acts the way he did to attend a party where he will do it again. Especially when he has done nothing to make up for his actions, he just uses the excuse that he doesn't remember. Well bipolar disorder is not an excuse for bad behaviour and love is not a reason to let them get away with it.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (17 June 2013):
 If this is what your boyfriend does when he drinks, he should stop drinking. He should apologise to your dad, and say he won't touch a drop at the next event.
However i suspect there are other things your dad doesn't like about him. It's rarely down to just one thing.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 June 2013):
 sounds to me like whatever it was that your boyfriend said/did was pretty horrible and obnoxious to have a bunch of grown men respond that aggressively and angrily.
i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it seems quite possibly reasonable your dad doesn't want him around. he was obviously extremely drunk in order to not remember any of it. therefore, there's no telling just how obnoxious he was acting. just chalk this up to a loss and go without him. maybe in time, your dad will warm up some. but not now.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Sounds to me like you have TWO extremes.... Your B/F is inclined to unacceptable public language.... and your Dad's reaction to his foul language is to bang his head against windows....
How about.... you take your B/F aside and say to him: "you know, B/F, you need to act like a more routine, polite person... and NOT use foul language when you are around other people .... meaning MOST ANYONE IN POLITE PUBLIC COMPANY!!! (Don't use the "bi-polar" B/S as the basis for a "pass"... He knows better!!!)...
Then, for your next inter-family encounter, tell Daddy: "Dad, I'm trying to get B/F to behave and speak more appropriately. Won't you please refrain from banging his head against windows in the event that he screws up and DOES cuss when you least expect it????"
Perhaps..... somewhere in between these two extremes, you will come to the common ground that your B/F and your Father can endure....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): I don't think it's fair to your family for you to inflict a boyfriend with a drinking problem upon them, especially when his drinking exacerbates symptoms of his treatable mental illness to the point of allegedly blacking out. Perfectly reasonable that your father doesn't want to risk a repeat of your boyfriend's drunken antics ruining a family gathering the way his birthday party was spoiled, especially when bf is claiming amnesia to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. I'm also assuming that your father is attempting to stop you from enabling such anti-social behavior because your making excuses for him will only put you at risk at verbal or possible physical abuse in the future. Your boyfriend has given your father legitimate reason not to want to be around him, it's not fair of you to be so juvenile as to accuse your father of picking on bf. Everyone else can bring their "partners" because none of them have valid reason to be excluded like your boyfriend does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): To be honest I think you're dad's opinion is understandable, the last time was a birthday party/family get together, this time will be too (also I'm guessing there may be alcohol involved again?) therefore he probably thinks it will just be a repeat of the last time, also nobody wants to ruin someone else's birthday so he's being cautious. If I were you I would accept that your cousin's party just isn't the right setting for another chance.
However I think for your dad to point blank refuse to be around your boyfriend ever is unreasonable, you just need a different setting. Perhaps arrange a meal with just you two and your parents or something where they can better get off too a fresh start.
Good luck
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