A
female
age
18-21,
*ezozw79w
writes:I found out last night that my dad's been cheating on mom since Christmas with my best friend's mom. Now he wants to make a blended family with me, my older sister (who's 23) my best friend and her two sisters (19F and 23/F), and we move out from The Bronx to a city like Dallas or Orlando?Dad told me last night that he's dated her since the run-up to Christmas last year, and that she threw her husband out, he's now living elsewhere, doesn't care where.I feel sorry for my friend, she's had her dad thrown out by her mom.Now I ain't someone who knows much on cheating, but I did have a look at a forum online about this topic and saw a discussion which claimed "You don't know what they're like until you've dealt with dirty underwear, paying bills, seeing them first thing in the morning, in-laws etc.; it ain't all romantic meals and sunshine and roses having an affair".How true is this? Was the forum post right?I'm 16, and for me, dating is mainly about fries and a milkshake and doing an activity, not the heavy stuff.What's the fallout going to be now my mom's found out?She only found out last night, and is feeling so angry and betrayed, wants to start looking for attorneys.It doesn't help that my dad's shown me something I shouldn't have seen, a selfie of my best friend's mom in sports bra and leggings cuddling up to my dad topless in her house. The selfie was taken on his iPhone. WTF???I feel so angry, like I've got no control over things, and this is causing me to be so angry I've no idea how to cope with the reality of what could happen next.If Dad does move and creates his blended family with my best friend's mom (which she wants, apparently) what will be the reality and the biggest problems that could come from it?Won't there be huge problems moving to somewhere like Dallas or Orlando?I'm concerned for my mom, we get on really well together, are good friends, not just mom-and-daughter.I really need help, not known about this for long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2022): First-off, these are adult-problems; and when it comes to her marriage, that's strictly between your mother and father. If you feel so riled and perturbed by all this; maybe you need a little time away to be with your grandparents. If you'd rather, you might get permission for a weekend visit with an uncle or aunt (on your mother's side); whom you can stay with to get your head together. All this is too heavy for you, and you're still in high school.
You're a teenager, so it is likely you'll get to choose which parent you want to stay with. You can always console and comfort your mother; but it will be most helpful if you didn't get into any trouble right-now. She has enough to contend with; and the best you can do at your age is behave yourself. I know you are very angry, shocked, and feel betrayed. That's far too much drama even for your mom, let alone a kid.
Your dad's plans are off into the future; and he can't just up and take you anywhere. They haven't even officially separated or filed for divorce. For now, nobody goes anywhere. As for blending families, he can't force anything down your throat; fortunately, you are friends with the young lady who may be your step-sister someday. She's not at fault in any of this; and you both should retain your friendship come hell or high-water. You need each-other for support. She shares your pain, and she's your age. Please don't let your anger or resentment get either of you into trouble.
If you both feel the need for counseling, let your parents know. Don't sit on your anger and resentment; because the first inclination of a kid in these situations is to act-out, or let their schoolwork suffer. You can't help it; because you were dragged into this, and just got blindsided with the news.
Once things settle, everyone will get some sense of how to emotionally adjust to all of this. It is what it is, and you can only take it one day at a time. Leave the heavy-lifting up to the adults. Be respectful to both your parents, regardless of the situation. They are your mother and father for life, regardless how things will turnout. Not to say you don't have a right to express your feelings, vent your anger, and let everybody know how all this affects you and your friend.
Sweetheart, stick close to your mother! Although she needs you, you and your friend still need to getaway from this drama; so you two can be kids. A weekend with your grandparents, or your favorite relatives, will give you a neutral place to rest your mind; and your parents will have the privacy to sort things out. Your mother also needs some space to gather her thoughts; and make necessary arrangements and legal preparations. That sort of stuff is what you shouldn't be around; because it's hard on the emotions, and you kids are too young to deal with it.
This is no time to be a teenage pain in the butt. Your mom is going through this too; and she still has to bear all the weight of taking care of you, dealing with her marriage, worrying about your feelings, and her own broken-heart.
I will put in a few prayers for you all; because these things do happen, but they're not supposed to happen to our families. May God give you all peace; and may it all workout for the best in the end. It doesn't look that way now; because there's yet a journey to healing after these situations. People survive them, and it helps when you hang-on to the love you have for each-other. Even though such disruption and betrayal will delay your ability to forgive your father and your friend's mother. You don't yet know how things will turnout; just prepare yourselves to deal with it, however it turns-out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2022): Just tell him: "I'm not throwing away 16 years of my life with my mom, for your affair that's less than 16weeks old!"
And refuse to discuss it any further.
He may come to his senses. But at least you know where you stand with your mom.
Your dad is being flakey and using modern terms like 'blended family' to confuse you.
He will have to give your mom money if he leaves which is why he wants you with him!
He is trying to steal your loyalty from your mom by pretending he is doing the correct thing when he is not.
In this case you must not talk it over with him because he intends to upset your mom to make himself look popular.
Maybe your dad will come to his senses. I hope so but you don't need to disrupt your life for his whims.
Also your best friend may prefer to stay with you and your mom where life can go on normally.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 May 2022):
 I'm so sorry for the shock you have had. It must be very scary but try to stay calm. Your dad cannot just ride roughshod over what you, your sister and your mother want. He's obviously thought all this through, talked it through with his new girlfriend and created this perfect "blended family" scenario, taking nobody's feelings into account except his own (and possibly those of his new girlfriend). The rest of you have a say in this as well. You do not just have to go along with it.
Your mother and older sister certainly don't need to go along with it, given they are both full adults. You are also of an age where you do not have to agree to go with him if you don't want you, especially as it will mean leaving your mother all alone. Is there any reason you and your sister cannot stay with your mum?
Your dad will try to draw you into his new relationship but it is totally acceptable for you to tell him you do not feel comfortable looking at photographs of his new girlfriend. You don't have to be rude about this; just explain it is all new to you and you are not comfortable with it.
You need to sit down with your mum (and your sister?) and discuss this without your dad being present. You are all in shock at the moment but need to talk and stick together and make decisions on what is best for you all.
Your father's affair is still in the "honeymoon" period (if it has only been going on for a few months), so you are right when you suspect it could all fall apart when face with reality and mundane everyday living. Another reason not to make any rash decisions.
Stay strong and support your mum as much as you can.
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