A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My question is about my relationship with my dad. I love him and I know he loves me deep down, but it kills me how he just sucks at communicating. I try very hard to make my parents happy. My mom lets me know how much she appreciates me and is proud of me and gives me lots of encouragement and feedback. So do my grandparents. My sisters do as well at least part of the time. It just seems like my dad cannot give me a straight compliment about anything to my face. It is always connected to some kind of criticism or comment about how I could have done something better or if he says something nice about me it is to someone else behind my back. I play baseball and basketball, partly because he used to play those sports and got me into them. I would say I am above average but not a full ride scholarship kind of athlete. My grades are A’s and B’s with only two C’s so far in high school. I never get detention. I don’t do drugs, smoke, or drink. No tattoos or piercings. No skanky girlfriends. My friends are not overly annoying. I mow the yard. I don’t curse in front of my parents. I go to Mass. When I was in middle school, I was an altar server every freaking week for 8:00AM. No speeding tickets or car accidents. I even do my own laundry. I am not perfect. I got a virus on our home computer downloading a porn video once, my room is sort of messy, I use a lot of hot water when I take a shower, sometimes I make a mess with protein powder in the kitchen, and I leave dishes in the sink sometimes, but I am basically a good son I think.My mom and grandparents tell me he says all the time how proud he is of me and stuff but I never get that from him. They point out he goes to all my games and stuff and even went to a play I was in with a small part and saw the show every night. Him showing up like when he is busy and works hard does mean a lot. It makes me want to do even better because he is watching. But afterward it is like he just wants to review fielding errors or shots I missed like I did not already know I messed up the minute it happened. If I do a great job on the lawn and even some extra landscaping for my mom, he will notice some spot on the driveway where I did not sweep all the grass away. Just once it would be nice to hear “well done Adam” without extra little comments.I have gotten random feedback back to me where he has said things to a coach, a teacher, or the parents of a friend. When I was trying out for varsity, he told my baseball coach I was his “all-American son.” When someone told me he said that I just wanted to cry because it felt so good to know he said that but sad because he did not want to say it to me. What is his malfunction? My grandpa does not seem like a hard-ass and he can tell me he loves me and is proud me. So I don’t know where this is coming from. His job he has to be all analytical and perfectionist because it involves airplane safety but why is that applied to me and no one else in the family. My sisters can be a hot mess sometimes. But all I get from my dad is “be good” or “be safe” or “alright then.” He tells my mom and sisters he loves them and how awesome they are. He literally has not hugged me since a trophy ceremony in seventh grade. Yeah it was awkward getting a hug from your dad in front of people but I think back and keep wondering if he will ever hug me again.Sorry for going off like a wuss, but it bugs me and maybe as adults who are not in the middle of it you can help me understand and if there is anything I can do short of some embarrassing scene. I guess I should just be glad I have a dad and he is someone who takes care of us and stuff and appreciate him the way he is. I just remembered something I forgot to put in this. There is a thing he says sometimes if I am fishing for feedback that if I want someone to “blow some wind up your skirt” to talk to my mom. He thinks it is funny to say that and sometimes it makes me laugh because it is so dumb and he seems to think it is funny. Maybe I need to just look for feedback elsewhere and not expect it from him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2022):
 Your dad SHOWS you that he is proud, he just doesn't SAY it.
Does that make sense?
Yes, it would be nice if he would open his mouth and tell you, but I don't think that is in his nature or his personality. And I think some of it is "societal conditioning" as in if you tell little boys that they are loved they will turn out "soft". THAT used to be the attitude. Grandpa can do it with you because you are the grandkid. He might have done exactly what your father did to him. And WAY down the line when you have grandkids your dad might be more like his dad to them.
"Maybe I need to just look for feedback elsewhere and not expect it from him."
I think so.
"He literally has not hugged me since a trophy ceremony in seventh grade. "
Well for father's day - YOU hug him. YOU make sure to get him a card letting him know how much you APPRECIATE him.
Sometimes we can make little changes to ourselves and others by putting OUT what we would like to receive.
If you give him a hug (and yeah it might be very awkward but who cares?!) he might get the "hint" that hugging you is OK. Or just say, hey dad, I love you and give him a grin and walk away. He probably needs to hear it too.
In general. however, I think it might help you THE most to accept him for who he is. Someone who loves you, who is proud of you but shows it through being there for you and not telling you. Though if he can tell your sisters, he should be able to tell you.
I think this is super common. (which isn't an excuse but an explanation) My husband isn't big on hugging, praising, and telling the kids he loves them - I do that all the time. I guess enough for two? But he is there, volunteering at their band, choir, and theater - driving to visit the middle one at college and take her out to dinner, when he had work 30 minutes away.
More often men SHOW, women speak. Doesn't mean you can't say it yourself, right?
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