A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm I in a narcissistic relationship?Sorry this is long. I have been in a relationship for 3 years, my partner is 20 years older than me but with that I thought at the start wee had lots in common, wee do other factors are becoming exhausting. Every week there is a fight, no matter what I do, or how careful I choose my words or actions it ends up going sour.Example,I think my partner has a drinking issue where our previous fights have centred, he hasn't got no real friendships because his behaviour when drinking has burned them, apart from one friend who tried to be there for him in my opinion a good one bacause he was there but honest when things weren't acceptable. My partner disgarded him out of the blue. Which I found harsh. My partner has been physical and verbal with me when drinking. I refuse to live with him for that reason. I need to be away from him when he drinks because it scares me. The reason I'm bringing this up is to show why i get upset with his drinking no one wants to be around him now because of it but he refuses to see that and blames them, then his behaviour has became my fault at times too.My partner does work and has a good job ect so it hasn't taken over everything yet. Also he's been to concerts and gigs up and down the country without me, if I want a friend over for a night or want to go out there's always a issue, a problem or he gives me message after message and ruins the night. So I can't not worth it. I try and tell him my feelings or that something hurt me and he flips it around and i feel like I am then the one to say sorry. It's weird to explain. The confusion i have he is great with my kid and will help out with things also wee go on dates and he takes me places ect. (Again a note I don't allow him around me when drinking and definitely not my daughter) and then it's like a light goes off and he goes from my loving partner to speaking to me with contempt. I have even started going to Church and with that tried to better myself and be careful how I speak to him, hold back when he's drinking and let it go say nothing. Show him by my actions what he means, he still finds a reason to fight with me. Like nothing i do is enough. Today I said I didn't feel well enough to go somewhere just ramdom spur of the moment thing not even a planned thing. He chucked something across the room, said oh so am not good enough for you. You don't want to be with me he, was sober at the time. All i said was my head was sore which it was and wanted to lay down. After that to keep the peace i said sorry to him, his actions scared me and I'm the one who says sorry. I told him tonight I'm feeling low, he started tearing into me, telling me am all these things and I burst out crying. Then he said okay new day tomorrow. Hope you behave and it's a better day. Then went home. Now I'm sitting crying because I don't know what to do. My family and friends don't like him and said he's a narcissist and they are fed up hearing and seeing what he does to me. So I can't go to them anymore but I don't feel strong enough to leave either. I just don't know what to do. Wee go a few weeks when everything seems good, then no matter how careful I am he finds a reason to rip into me and i end up in a mess. Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 May 2022):
 We can't diagnose him, OP
We can only speculate.
You write "My partner has been physical and verbal with me when drinking. "
That should be a dealbreaker OP. TOTAL dealbreaker. Someone who will be physical and verbal with you (while drunk) will at some point be physical and verbal with you while sober. BEING drunk is NEVER an excuse or reason to treat others badly. In your case YOU.
You say:
"My family and friends don't like him and said he's a narcissist and they are fed up hearing and seeing what he does to me."
You know WHY they say that? Because they LOVE you and want the VERY best for you, and HE isn't it!
YOU are teaching your daughter that this is how a partner treats a woman (in this case you). She might learn that being treated like SHIT, like a property is "normal" and OK. Is that really what you want?
"So I can't go to them anymore but I don't feel strong enough to leave either."
So HIS actions are ISOLATING you from your loved ones. Those who ACTUALLY care about you.
You walk on eggshells with this man. This isn't YOU making "mistakes" and that end up with an argument, this is HIM "training" you to be an obedient shell of yourself. Someone who doesn't question what he says or does. Someone who is isolated from friends and family. Someone who can't go out for a night out with friends without his permission?
OP, YOU are being ABUSED. You are in an ABUSIVE relationship. YOU need help.
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
GET HELP, if not for yourself, then DO it for your daughter!
England Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline:
0808 2000 247
Northern Ireland, Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline:
0808 802 1414
[email address blocked]
Scotland, Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline
0800 027 1234
Online live chat
[email address blocked]
Wales, Live Fear Free:
0808 80 10 800
Online live chat
Text
[email address blocked]
Call one of those and get help on how to leave.
OP, honey, HE IS NOT going to get better. YOU can't FIX him by loving him.
You AND your daughter deserve SO much better.
PLEASE seek help and get away from this man. He is toxic.
Reach out to family when you are ready to leave him. THEY will support you. They want to support you. But they DON'T want to watch you flush your life down the toilet by staying with this man.
Trust them. Let them help you get away from him.
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