A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My dad died before christmas. My mum and dads relationship before wasnt very good, and my mum has moved on and has found someone else. My mother is now 5 months pregnant. I already have 3 other siblings under the age of 5, and they have all started calling him dad.I miss dad so so muych, and i cant help but hate mums new boyfriend even though he's a nice man, and i know he makes mum happy/ Its just moving all too fast for me.Please help.
View related questions:
christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 August 2008):
I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural.
But think of it this way. Your little brothers and sister NEED a dad at their age, and this guy has taken them on. That's great, but it doesn't mean he is trying to BE their real dad. He's just being Bob (or what ever his name is).
You are a bit older, you don't need a Daddy so much to pick you up and spin you round, or kiss your knee when you fall over and show you how to ride a bike. You had that already. It is completely unfair that you had your dad taken away from you but Bob is not trying to come in and replace him. He's just trying to fulfil a need that your family has because he loves your mum.
Why not ask if you can go out for a drink / ice cream / lunch with him, and then when you are alone explain to him that you know you have been acting mean to him but this is why and you don't hate him, just the fact that he is not your dad. I am sure he understands more than you think he does.
Treat him as Uncle Bob, not your dad. He will never be your dad but he could be your friend.
Good Luck!! xx
A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (28 August 2008):
 Hi,
My dad died when I was 10 and it was a terrible experience. Now that is enough to deal with in itself, but add to the fact that your mum has already gotten pregnant again (arguably very quickly); and it can be confusing and something of negative whirlwind experience for you.
You must understand that it is completely NATURAL to hate your mums new partner; it's simply because he is not your dad.
You have identified that he is a nice man and makes your mum happy; but because he is not your dad that makes no difference.
This is NATURAL.
Now, as other people will point out on here, the pain of losing a parent will be with you all your life; and in most circumstances, no-one every forgets the death of a parent(s).
With your mother, there could be many explanations for your mum moving on quickly; you said their relationship wasn't very good which will certainly be a factor. Look at it from her point of view as well; she has now met someone who you say makes her happy -- is she moving too fast? Perhaps, maybe she is trying to make up for some lost time with her previous relationship with your dad. Like I say, there could be many reasons.
To be honest, I can't think of any real high quality advice to give you other than to say that you should grieve your dads loss as much as you need.
And as time goes on, hopefully you will begin to accept your mums new partner -- although I can understand if you don't want to call him dad. Your younger siblings are different however; they're young and maybe aren't fully aware of what has happened yet; even though they have been told.
Perhaps talk to a female teacher at school; or maybe someone in your family you can trust.
Also think about contacting ChildLine:
http://www.childline.org.uk/Pages/default.aspx
0800 1111
They are professionals who are there to help you and give you advice on situations like this -- and probably give better advice than me.
Take care
...............................
A
female
reader, disapointed  +, writes (28 August 2008):
Just imagine that your pregnant and your boyfriend or husband passes away and you have to raise this baby on your own. It's hard to find someone who is willing to want to be the knew father of your child it's especially hard to find a boyfriend at all when you have children it can get lonely. You have the love of your children but not the love of someone your age. Your mother is blessed to have a man like that..as are you. You will need his help growing up and his protection and he will do the best he can for you to do your best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): I feel so bad for you with the loss of your father.You say your mom's boyfriend is a nice man? She is very fortunate to find a good man who will help her with you and your 3 siblings, especially now that she is pregnant again. Very few men out there would take on that kind of responsibility.But, you are right. Things are moving fast, as it has only been about 8 or 9 months since your father died.If I were you, I'd pull mom aside, just the two of you, and have a talk. Tell her things are moving too fast for you. Unfortunately, things like having a baby cannot be "undone". Communication will ease your transition. Talk to your mom, you might be surprised how much she knows and senses about this whole situation.
...............................
|
