A
female
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anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,I am a woman in my late thirties with an 18 year old daughter. We are Muslim and therefore have certain rules and regulations in our society. Now, I absolutely adore my daughter, she has been a complete joy to me from the moment she was born and I have no complaints as she is respectful towards our culture. The problem is that she has gone and fallen in love with an Indian boy, who is a Hindu. He is equally in love with her, and it breaks my heart because my family would never allow them to be together. It is viewed as a huge mark of shame to marry into a different religion in our society. I am in a state of complete despair, my beautiful daughter, who has never asked anything of me ever, is now asking for the one thing I can't give her. I have told her that I can make sacrifices for her as I can't stand to see her in pain., I suggested that she elope with him and cut all contact with me and our whole family( they would not let her live if they found out she wants to marry a Hindu) but that made her break down as she does not want to lose us. I simply do not know what to do. Any help will be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2006): If I was in your situation, I would sit down with my daughter and ask her if this guy is truly the guy she really wants to sacrifice so much of her life for. She is still sooo young and has many opportunities to meet her real future husband and BEFORE even thinking of falling in love or eloping with anyone, she should think of her career and education. She has to finish school and have a career for herself before thinking of marriage or really being that committed to anyone. There's plenty of time to think about that, but right now, if your family feels as strongly against this...I would say to her that she doesn't know if this guy she's in love with would do the same for her...does he face as much persecution for marrying a Muslim as she does for marrying a Hindu? Would he be willing to sacrifice his whole family for her? How old is he? What career or job does he have that they could both get married and he could support her? Will his family support the both of them? She has to consider all of these things before rushing into anything or declaring any choice that will have long-lasting negative consequences. I would tell her that our family is very much united by our religious beliefs and that we all love her and wnat the best for her and her future, and this guy could mess things up...my point is that I would really make her want to ask herself if this guy was worth all of this trememndous familial upheaval. Has he sacrificed anything to be with her? Does he deserve your daughter? Before presenting her with the choice of the family or him, investigate this guy to see if, aside from his religion, he is really the best man out there for her. I don't know how long they ahve been together, and they've most likely had their relationship under wraps, but before she chooses you or him, she has to really be sure that he is who she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and 18 is a very young age to decided something as complicated, important, and life changing as that. I also believe that you need to stand beside her and really open her eyes to all these things she needs to ask herself before telling her it's him or the family. What do you think of this guy? Aside fom the relgious differences, is he a good amn for your daughter? Do you otherwise approve of him or are happy with their relationship? Although I feel as though if you despised him you wouldn't be so ready to let her elope with him, but I'm just asking this to evaluate the worthiness of this guy for your daughter (although I think no man is ever good enough to give up your family for) at least she'll be happy with someone of quality, but first tell her she's young and still has her whole life to think of marriage and try to delay any huge decision making until you both talk seriously about the possible outcomes of any choice....and choosing between those two things is really a bad position to put her in...again she's 18 and it's either black or white: family or true love (if he is the one) she needs you during this time to support her and tell her you will help her, but want her to be safe and value her more than anything in the world, and that there is no rush and she should give more time to think about her love for this man and see if it's genuine and true.....there's no deadline she has to meet or anything....love takes time to build and nurture, and if it's just a 3 month fledgling realtionship, then you need to open her eyes to see it for what it really is, and more than anything you're her mom and should stand by her and not put her in that position between choosingthe family or him...like another commentator said: Go with her if you must. Would you really wnat to excommuniate your own daughter? I know you wouldn't and if it comes to that point, you ahve to stand by her side and help her because she only has one mother and if the whole world is againts her, she needs that one person who will stand up for her and defend her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): I had a conversation with a Muslim man some time ago who was going on pilgrimage to Haji. His wife was a devout Christian and they were very happy together. I think they married in a register office that was not religeously orientated and they each visited their places of worship as required, yet apart from that thay just lived together and loved each other. He didn't mention any problems with his Muslim faith, but perhaps it is different for females?
My own view is that our world is evolving along with our cultures and all faiths should accept others beliefs with dignity and respect. Perhaps your daughter will be a pioneer of this?
I understand being a Hindu is a very gentle and accepting religion of other faiths. Great philosophy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): If you're really concerned for her safety, then you're right to tell her she should not tell the rest of the family. Make sure she understands why, though.
And while it's unfortunate but understandable that she would have to cut all contact with those who would wish her harm because of her choices, it's not fair to expect her to cut ties with her own mother. Don't make her choose between you and the man she loves. Go with her if you must - she's your daughter; nothing can be more important than that.
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (1 April 2006):
 Firstly let me congratulate you, you are a fantastic mum and are much stronger than you know.
You need to get help on this situation from someone who is much more aware of your culture than I am, maybe use the internet or go to a multiculture centre where they have people you can discuss this with in confidence as you need to keep this as secretive as possible.
You can if you live in England contact a womans refuge for advice as they will have information on groups that can help your daughter and her partner to remain safe and that will fully understand the issues that you have raised.
There is help and advice out there for you, Im just not sure where you can find it, but one thing I do know is that you must keep in contact with her no matter what happens but do not put yourself in any danger.
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A
female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (1 April 2006):
Ouch! Tough situation! Well, it's all up to her. You can support her and her boyfriend but it will be hard to keep the relationship going. I think the best thing to do is for them two to move somewhere else. It will be hard to say goodbye but if she really wants to be with him, I'm afraid that is the only choice. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Hope I've helped!!Kay xXx
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A
female
reader, destined4greatness +, writes (1 April 2006):
hello,i understand your feelings, how can you support your daughter whom you love, but also stand by your religion? I feel that you should talk to your dughter. Ask her if she feels deeply and truley about this young man. If she does then i feel you should remind her of her religion expections and then tell her that finally youll support her though this. This will make her feel comforted. However do not say you will if you feel you cant. You must feel very mixed up about this but in the end just do what you feel is right.
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