A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a baby recently and a guy who was a good friend of mine (well my crush) who wanted to go out with me back when I was preg..in fact he wanted a sexual relationship with me at the time but it never happened between us..anyway I met him the other day over the weekend and thought it would be nice to introduce him to my new au pair since he had asked me about her and well instead of her being bored in my flat I thought it could be a nice way for her to make friends here..anyway I brought him to his place and he tried it on with my au pair the other day! I went out to the bathroom and when I came back I saw them exchanging phone numbers. I saw my au pair put her phone suddenly away like as if she was doing something she shouldn't have done...anyway I never gave her a hard time and just said oh you get each others numbers..nice..so that she would not feel afraid of me..sort of thing. I was more annoyed with him for hitting on my au pair like that - he is 36 and she is only 19 so I said we have to go now its late and baby has to get back. I sent a mail to him privately once home and said I would appreciate you not doing that. I thought you could be friends with her and 0 else as they both come from the same country. I didn't want her to feel homesick hence me introducing her to him. I feel v let down by him. How could he do that to me when he has been wanting to get with me for so long? I have only recently wanted him but I didn't know any of this until he hit on her - before this happened I had found myself getting attracted to him once again and I had said to him we must meet up again - smile..kinda sad we haven't...smile. I didn't know that when I nipped off to the bathroom he would make a bee line for my au pair instead. Ugh. He never replied to my message and well she is saying nothing obviously. I want him but the ironic thing is I think my au pair now stands more chance than I do. I guess I should just forget him..but I am now mad into him and the worst thing is I think my au pair is too :( we don't talk about him.The other prob I have - I asked her what does she like to eat - she is vegetarian..so I bought her some vegetables in the shop etc and put them in the fridge..but its like as if she is not relaxing and being herself around me..I told her feel at home and please feel free to be yourself..and now I want to tear my hair out as I feel she is not eating enough and I am constantly having to ask her would you like some food to eat - she just says no I am grand like as if she was traumatised by her previous family..IDK..the main reason I keep asking her about food is I don't want people to think I am neglecting her :(
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 Thank you for the update! I think it's pretty clear now that he and your au pair are interested in one another. I know this must have been quite hurtful for you. You seem like a very nice, caring person... but there's a point when you have to stand up for your own happiness instead of accepting things as they are. When you let others walk all over your feelings, it causes deep resentment that will only hurt your emotional welfare in the long run. Think of it this way... if there is something or someone who is causing negativity in your life, you know the best thing to do is rid yourself of whatever is causing you problems. What's the difference here? Those of us giving advice have zero emotional attachment to your situation, so we can offer you rational, unbiased advice. That being said, I agree with those who have told you to find a replacement for your au pair. How can you fully trust a woman who knowingly moved in on your love interest? And how can you guarantee it won't happen in the future with another man?Has your au pair told you anything about her relationship with this guy? Was this the first time she met up with him? And have you had any correspondence with this guy since you sent him the email the day you introduced him to your au pair? I am glad you've chosen not to pursue a relationship with him. You are much better off without him! Please keep us updated! Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks - yes they met up recently but he was late to meet her and well she didn't look that pleased by the time she got home...I asked her briefly but did not pry for any more details..it was bad enough they saw each other behind my back..anyway I have chosen to try to forget them and I am taking a professional step back and giving her space...she needs to learn for herself how the world works I guess...so yeah I think I am over the fiasco now..but thanks to people on here keeping me sane..
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 I say again, gently let her go. She will know why.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (16 November 2010):
Ok, so he DOES know that you were interested in him. What about the au pair? Did she know you were interested in this man? The fact that she tried to hide her cell phone, tells me she either knew or suspected you liked him. The part that bothers me about this is that they went behind your back… both of them. You are her employer and host, so her loyalty should be with you. He knows you like him, so he should not be hitting on your au pair.
On the other hand, he may have thought it was just a friendly gesture to exchange numbers. However, he never responded to your email, which is troubling. When you introduced them, did one or both of them flirt or show some sort of interest?
In your original post, you said, “I think my au pair now stands more chance than I do. I guess I should just forget him..but I am now mad into him and the worst thing is I think my au pair is too.”
What makes you think the au pair stands a better chance with him than you? And, what leads you to believe she likes him too? Have they made any plans to get together?
If you are seriously interested in this man, you need to find out what is going on between them. This means, you should ask the au pair if they are communicating. Ask her very nicely what they have been talking about and if they are planning to get together. If she says yes, I would ask her if she’s interested in him.
Do you see him texting or chatting on the phone with him? If you are the one receiving the cell phone bill, you can find out what numbers she is contacting.
I do think there is still a chance for you and this guy, but you definitely won’t get him if you don’t assert yourself and find out what is going on between he and the au pair. Sorry, I asked a lot of questions. I’m just trying to get a better idea of what’s going on, so we can all give you better advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is from Austria - not Eastern European. And he was flirting with me before he met her via e-mail. He was telling me how he wanted to be with me etc and I was responding back to him well before he ever met her... I thought he had asked after her just to be nice and friendly and nothing else. Its not like he didn't know of my interest and no I didn't reject him before he met up with her...so yeah I feel in a way he deceived me and because she showed an interest for him he stopped all communication suddenly with me and no he knows I didn't do it to match-make them together...so yeah it sucks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): Natasia is right about E Europen women actually. They eat nothing, according to my Latvian, Polish and Slovakian female friends they're not as liberal over there with their women. Women are still objects to be admired only and there's huge pressure for them to just be thin, look good and say very little.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (15 November 2010):
ps
and as for the food - is she very slim? You don't say what country she is from, but if an Eastern European country, you won't see her eat much ... she will eat like a bird, and remain very slim. That is how E. European women have such marvellous figures - they literally eat nothing. I know. I live among them. For them, eating so little is normal, sensible and the way not to be fat. So don't fret about that. She is fine.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (15 November 2010):
Oh, lord - don't you know what to do? Just say it isn't working out and let her go. Find another au pair.
She doesn't feel relaxed. There is tension between the two of you. She is, whether she means to or not, stealing your love interest (I know you weren't ready for him before, but still, it is too annoying to have introduced them and now something is happening between them - if I was interested in him now, it would drive me mad!!).
So - you do actually have some action you can take here. She will be happier elsewhere. And you will be happier without her around.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (15 November 2010):
 It seems you are trying to do a good job of looking after your au-pair. However, she may be struggling to adjust to the new country and lack of friends/ relatives for support. It maybe her first time away - just give her a chance to settle in, it takes some people a while to adjust! Stop asking her about food etc, if she is starving then she will find her way to your kitchen. You might want to look around for college courses for her. I understand that education is supposed to be part of the arrangement - language or other classes could be a nice place for her to meet fellow aupair staff. Or send her to your local mothers meeting/ playgroup with your baby so she can meet other women. As for your 'friend', well I suspect part of your feelings for him are based on the fact that you liked the fact he fancied you. It is basically flattering to have a nice man find you attractive, especially when you are pregnant! I think he has every right to date other women since he doesn't know how you feel. However I would still be careful with him. Even if he doesn't know you want a relationship now, he was blatant enough to hit on your aupair under your nose. It might not be a terribly good sign about his character. He maybe gameplaying with the aupair to make you jealous (which would make him a nasty, shallow person). He could be a bit of a player looking to date lots of women. Just be careful!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): What were you expecting? You rejected him lots and lots of times. You haven't told him you like him so that means he's free, single and can do what he wants. For all he knows you're still not interested in him.
There's only so many times we can be told no before we give up and you've given no indication that you're actually interested. No OP hints and insinuations aren't enough. You can't just assume he magically knows you now have a thing for him. It's been months of you rejecting his advances, what's he supposed to do?
As for this au pair, it's only natural that they'd make friends they're from the same country, she doesn't know anyone and he knows this country and can show her around. What happened is exactly what you wanted to happen so why are you so disappointed?
She's an adult that has a job, you're not responsible for her diet, she is. Don't worry about her, she'll be fine.
You and he are just friends and if you ask me, you arranging for them to meet each other seems kind of like a match making exercise. If I had a female friend introduce me to a girl she think I might like I always assume they're trying to get us together. Because usually that's the case.
If you want him OP, then stop beating around the bush, hoping he'll start trying it on again. He probably won't because he thinks you're not interested, you need to talk to him and ask him out before it's too late.
I mean come on OP, you just basically might have set them up to start dating, can you imagine how messy that might get, with him calling over to see her, or coming over to see you while dating her. All the time you're pining for him. Not fun.
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