A
female
age
30-35,
*twinklex
writes:Having just turned 21, I've realised that there isn't a single year of my life so far that I can remember where I haven't hated my mother.From about the age of 10, she has repeatedly spewed hate and cruelty at me. Her favourite being to refer to me as 'the stupid fat c*** who can't do anything right' - this from when I was still a child. I now have such horrific self-esteem issues that I hate my boyfriend seeing me naked, hate going out with friends and have next to no social life. This is made worse by the fact my mother has regularly told me that none of my 'friends' actually like me and only spend time with me so they can laugh at me later.Up until I moved out a few months ago, I still had to sit on the naughty chair when I 'misbehaved' - having my phone, bank cards and car keys confiscated until I learned my lesson. I wasn't allowed to get up, even for the toilet. Also, as I was given an allowance from childhood she considered herself to have contributed to all my purchases. This includes clothes and therefore she has on several occasions taken my clothes off me as they were 'hers'. She frequently taunts me about my weight and appearence, 'innocently' implying I've accidentally bought maternity wear as I look pregnant and everytime I've tried to engage girl chat over clothes her first comments are about how tight my clothes are and how fat I look. She also feels it her place to physically check for herself as to whether I have shaved my legs, underarms and bikini line - going so far as to grab me and shove her hand down my trousers and knickers. She finds it amusing to try and pinch my breasts and lick me etc but all this just makes me feel disgusting.If I don't abide by her 'unusual' rules, she sulks/screams/goes to bed for days on end and then threatens me with various ideas of humiliation. Examples being to tell all my friends I wet the bed, getting me withdrawn from University by threatening to have me sectioned for mental health.She's so cruel and spiteful, I have huge issues in forming relationships as it was reinforced in me that 'I'm so ugly, fat and horrific that no one who is mentally sane would ever touch me so I will die old and alone'I don't really know what my question is other than some reasurrance that I'm not being melodramatic and that this isn't normal. I feel so alone in that it's such taboo to hate your mother, but I can't think how else to word how I feel. I genuinely wish she was dead - it could only make things better.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Good for you! How wonderful that you're getting help!
The more open and honest you are with the counsellor, the more effective the treatment will be. The counsellor is required to keep what you say in confidence. By all means tell them *everything*, and don't feel guilty. Your mother did what she did of her own volition; trying to cover up for her just perpetuates her ability to victimize you.
A
female
reader, xtwinklex +, writes (3 January 2011):
xtwinklex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I've just had my GP refer me for councelling as I feel nothing will change in me until I see someone. I'm a little scared about sharing all this face to face with someone but I've got to try and fix it before its too late.
I do actually have a boyfriend at the moment and care about him so much but this only makes my mother jealous as he is everything her partner is not. Unfortunately he's been away for a gew months and she's been taking this opportunity to mock me that I scared him away as I'm a freak. It's since he's been away that my iasues have been resurfacing.
I just want a normal life but still feel guilty for telling on my mother.
Should I tell the councellor everything or would that be bad?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): my mom did this to me too. but as I got older and started to see her for what she is. I realized she hated herself and she was treating me the only way she knew how. I think maybe she was affraid to be abandoned because she thought of herself they way she tried to make me feel about myself. I used to hate my mom for calling me names like "c*nt-face" or "retard" and for critizing everything I said, did, liked, loved, wanted or had. I didn't know that not every mother hated their kids, I thought for a really long time she must have some good reason to be so cruel. As if she was teaching me some sort of lesson but infact she was only a emotionally sick person with little to no compassion for anyone or anything. She still says mean things now and again but I let it slide because I know she had never learned to love or forgive or how to even be happy. I feel really sorry for her and I'm sad she has no other means of communicating with another human being but than to be hostile and vicious. I hope one day your mother wakes up and sees her manipulations for what it is- her own hate for herself. Which she's trying pass on to you by making you feel the same way about yourself. Im sorry. She may see this when she is all alone and that could be too late for her by then and thats sad too. But dont listen to her- shes really talking to herself when she's putting you down, it always has been. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I have a narcisistic mother just like yours. Mine was very critical and compared me to herself.
I moved out and cut contact with her. Its abuse. I'm in counseling and recommend you do too. Just focus on yourself and not relationships with men. Get counseling, go to the gym, get an education and hobbies. You're young and can rebuild your confidence again. You just have to come to an understanding that her actions/words were sick and NOT NORMAL. You then have to come to a place in life where you feel good about yourself and your accomplishments. It'll take years, but it will happen. Counseling is key and staying away from her is vital.
Don't focus on finding a relationship right now. You need to undo all this damage first! hugs.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (3 January 2011):
Your story sounds quite incredible. Normal? Not in any way. You are being abused. Whatever it takes, move out. And once you're out, seek counselling -- it will take a great deal of time and professional assistance to undo the damage that's been inflicted on you. And cut this person from your life entirely. Taboo or not, anyone who would behave as you describe does not deserve the honourable term "mother."
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