A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Some time ago I fooled around with my cousin. I can't exactly call it fooling around because at the time we were both pretty serious about it. I know that dating between cousins is probably a big taboo but I honestly didn't care. He's a little younger than me, but he was honest about his feelings, so I didn't pay much attention to his age or the fact we were related. However, rumors started flying around that we were dating, and though it was true, we denied it. We have too much respect and love for our family and we are so scared of them finding out. I took some time away by visiting an aunt. She had heard of the rumors too and I denied everything. Then she went off in this huge lesson about how gross it would have been if it were true and how utterly disappointed and ashamed our family would be. I left back to my home and when I saw him again I found out his dad, my uncle, had given him a similar talk. It explained why he was avoiding me and how awkward and uncomfortable he felt around me, and it made me feel even worse. Being the oldest of the two, I took the choice of ending it there and acting like cousins should. Before I left again for college, I had a talk with him. I made my feelings clear, that I still liked him regardless of what everyone else said or thought. And when I asked him what he felt, he said he wasn't sure. I guess it hurt me, and I told him I would treat him like a cousin from then on. But the next day, he was even worse. He won't talk to me anymore. And when I'm around he puts on this gloomy mood and it makes me feel so awkward. I did my best and I'm treating him like I treat any other cousin (even though I still see him as more). He's not hiding the fact he's upset, but I don't know why he's upset if he doesn't share the same feelings! He shouldn't be acting like he was the one who got his heartbroken. But I'm not even sure of what's wrong. I wanted to talk to him but he won't return my messages. Can anyone out there please tell me what's going through his head so that I can have a clue as to what to do? Or can anyone give me advice as to what else there is to do so this can finally end and we can be just regular cousins again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): I have had an attraction to my cousin for many years (I am in my 30's) and he also has shown his attraction to me since we were teenagers, even earlier. Neither of us ever did anything about it, but I can see how it could happen. Don't feel like you are wrong for wanting to be with him. People have been with far less appropriate mates, with fewer objections.
However, you should not continue to be with him, or give him any reason to believe there's hope for the two of you.
Besides social taboos (if that was the only worry, I would say go for it), there are legal issues (possibly), and you could lose your family (families have broken up for less), and then there's the whole baby thing. You could never have children together because there is an extremely high chance of mental and physical deformities (increases if you are first cousins). It's just not worth it, especially if you were just "hooking up".
He is probably hurt, and confused, and embarrased by whatever it is his father said to him. And, he may be too immature or inexperienced with relationships to know how to handle it properly. But, you should repect his boundaries and let him figure it out however he needs to, even if he is openly upset with you for a while. That will pass. I had to stop seeing my cousin for years before we were able to have a normal family relationship. It's an awkward situation and one that you can't really talk about with too many people, if anyone, so it is hard to get through it or get over it. Going away to college is good, because it will give you both time apart. I suggest not bringing it back up with him ever again, even when you come home. You need to leave it behind you if you expect to ever have a good "normal cousin" relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): It seems to me there are four issues. First and most important are your feelings and his.
The second and least important is the law. It varies from place to place so I'm sure there's a place for you, like the song says.
Third and extremely important is prejudice. There is this irrational phobia of marrying kin. It sounds like you've had your fill of that, and are still getting lambasted for no fault of your own. Sorry. Wish people weren't like that, but prejudice happens.
Fourth and more important even than prejudice is the biology of gettting married and having children. (If you are falling in love, it's not a bad thing to think about children. Do you want them, and do you wish well by them? If not, read no further. If so listen close.) Marrying cousins isn't a bad thing. Don't take my word for it. Here is a reference.::
An Association between Kinship and Fertility of Human Couples Agnar Helgason et al. SCIENCE vol. 329 no. 5864 February 8, 2008 page 813 – 816
It will cost you a few bucks to buy if from sciencemag.org. That's nothing compared with what you've already been through. The journal is probably the most respected one in the world. As you read over it, I think you'll see that marrying cousins as close as first cousin once removed give you the most children but not actually the most grandchildren. It's still better than a stranger, at which your kin and "comforters" wouldn't bat an eye.
So if you beleive in evolution at all, pity your cousin. Nature made a pretty good choice for him and now people are beating him up for it, and you too, for that matter.
I'm sorry. I have a web site SilentNursery.com, which will lead to nobabies.net. I've spent a lot of time working on this. If you manage to make any progress against the prejudice, do let me know. You aren't alone.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 You are the older here, you don't say how much older?
Your father may have threatened him, or he may have also been told any relationship between you would be gross.
Making your feelings clear before you went off to college was unfair and unnecessary. And because we weren't there when he upset you we dont know your tone of voice when you reacted to that!
Maybe he has good reason to avoid you, I suggest you back right off and allow time for him to grow up a little.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 Don't tell me you're so naive you can't see what's going on here.
Your cousin is upset because he is still attracted to you and wants to keep dating, but can't. He's angry that he was dumped and he isn't mature enough to handle it appropriately.
It will never be like it was before you started dating, but keep doing what you're doing. Act naturally and treat him as a cousin and eventually things will settle down. He'll grow up and develop interests elsewhere.
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