A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am stressed and in need of advice. I'm 18 and living with my parents to go to community college but ever since I was 14, I have been wanting to move out. I can't move out just yet because I have no job or car. Although I have money saved from when I was 14, I want to use that for apartment money. My parents won't allow me to get a job because they say I'd be distracted from school and I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend either. For four years, I never left the house except for school and occasionally my siblings have to take me out to go somewhere for fresh air. I have developed depression because of this. My parents found out that I have been keeping money and insist on opening a bank account for them to deposit and withdraw money from me. I've talked to my sister and told her that I can't take it anymore. She and my other sister are trying to help but it's not enough. My parents want me to trust them because they're paying for college but they don't trust that I should live an independent life in a few years. They want me to live at home forever and I feel trapped. They never understand how I feel and want me to listen to them 24/7. They care only about their well-being and feelings. Also, if they tell me something about money, they want to keep it a secret from my sisters and try to make me stay away from them. They believe that everyone in the world is a bad influence except for people in school. I graduated from high school with a low GPA which caused me to get no scholarship and was forced to apply to community college. I plan to move out and head to a university FAR FROM the state I live in so my parents won't meddle with my life. They also tend to interfere with my siblings' lives even though they are grown adults. I feel depressed all the time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): my parents did that to me too. I couldn't WAIT to go to college because it meant finally having the freedom to "find myself" and learn who I was and to be OK with that person. When I said that, they laughed in my face and said, "You know who you are! You're our daughter!" I told them I Meant I wanted to find out what hobbies I liked, what I believed spiritually, what I believed politically and things like that (I also wanted to come out of the closet but I didn't mention that). They said, "You like church groups, you're musical, you're Baptist, and you're a republican. That's how you are raised. NO reason to search further" I also had low grades, no job, no license etc because I wasn't ALLOWED to have those things. I never got to leave the house unless it was church related. When I got out (I was the oldest) I fell apart in college God taken advantage of all over and failed out.
I'm guessing your parents are afraid you will "rebel" and do things they don't approve of. Like seeing your boyfriend, getting a car, getting a job and being financially independent (i.e. they won't be able to control every cent you make). Btw, I'm thinking they want to keep your money because they don't WANT you to move away. My guess is that one of your siblings (the ones they want you to stay away from) probably did something "bad" in their eyes that they aren't telling you about. Maybe she started smoking or partying or maybe something really bad happened like a rape. They don't want those things to happen to you.
I know it sucks to be dependent on your parents when the world expects you to be a grown adult who doesn't need permission. I know it's embarrassing to have to say "Mommy and daddy won't let me" when you're asked to hang out. I feel you. But you're 18, and you COULD get good grades and transfer to another college (provided they let you keep the money for an apartment, good move on your part). You also could get an associates, get a job close-ish to your area and then get a scholarship to turn your associate's into a bachelors. There's a LOT of options.
As for your money, yes, it's their home/their rules and yes, you're their dependent, but its YOURS and you are an adult. It is financial abuse I don't think they mean to be absive, I think they are just afraid something will happen to you. You sound like you were very sheltered and they're afraid the world will eat you alive (it did me). The thing is, many people in my church had something like that happen and it was because our parents DIDN'T WANT US TO KNOW how to handle "the world". So they tried to keep us around as long as possible. The successors? Those who conformed. My younger siblings are doing great and have a lot or respect. Why? They conformed. They never branched out.
I would suggest putting your money into YOUR bank account. I would imagine that even without a car, you could afford a bus or a cab or walk there. I don't know where you live. Then, they CAN'T do anything with it I wish you were allowed to have friends because you really need a support circle! Is there counselors at your community college? Maybe one of them can give you good advice or even a ride to the bank or something! Maybe one of them can set you up with an apartment that you can afford. I don't think your parents don't want you "distracted" from school, I think they don't want you out of their sight!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): My cousin manages to go to the community college, work and rent a house with some other people, you should consider doing that if you want to leave home so badly. But if you hardly ever leave the house, do you thing you'll be able to handle a job, paying bills, etc? Maybe your parents sheltered you too much and are worried if you'll be able to stand on your own two feet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): Sounds like you have the typical old-school parents. You had a low GPA in high school, and they want to be sure that when their daughter is on her own; she has an education, and is capable and mature enough to take care of herself.
I will not believe they are trying to hold you hostage for the rest of your life. How would they benefit by making themselves financially-responsible for you, for all eternity? How are they holding you against your will, when you have no job to support yourself? Without them, you would be essentially homeless; or you would have to depend on someone else to financially-support you, and give you shelter.
Parents will get into your business as an adult, if you let them. Most of the time, it is because they know and see the areas where you show a lack of responsibility, poor judgment; or if they know that you are not focused on your goals for the future. They know that nowadays, once the nest is empty; it is only a matter of time before their baby birds return. Usually when they are on fixed-incomes and can't afford it!!!
Their job is to step-in and intervene in order that they will be able to sleep at night; knowing they will not be charged and judged by society (and other members of your extended family) to be failures as parents. Bottom-line, they love you.
They also know that young men and women become more focused on their love-lives; than their studies during their earlier years in college. Or community college, as in your case. They may be overbearing and coming down too hard; because that's what over-protective parents do, when they are old-fashioned and know your ways.
Unfortunately, it is difficult for parents to stop feeling they're responsible for taking care of you; when you don't have a job, and you have not completed your education.
They still feel responsible for your care, safety, and financial-support; until you are able to take care of yourself. Having savings you have saved since you were 14, may not last you a whole year; or even months, unless it's thousands of dollars.
If you are an American, and under 21; they still hold some limited responsibility for your care; but cannot stop you from leaving home, and doing whatever you please. You have not, because you know in reality you don't know the first thing about paying rent, utilities, taxes, car insurance, and credit cards; nor where the money is going to come from.
It's all about that guy, that you carefully avoided making too much reference to. In order to make a case against your parents, and make them look like bad people ruining your life, and denying you freedom. Have you called the police, or filed a legal report to authorities? Charging that you are being abused, and held against your will?
Fortunately, it's only a matter of time before you will be free to take care of yourself; and cut loose of their ropes and chains. You will be out in the expensive cruel world on your own, and you will miss their protection. I am way older than you are, and boy do I miss that home-cooking, spending my money as I pleased, and not having to get up to go to work everyday. Everything was already taken care of for me. Clean folded clothes, a beautiful home, a nice car,
and two people making a big fuss over me. Yet having the nerve to criticize and scold me when I screwed up, or spoke back disrespectfully. After-all, I didn't ask to be born.
All I had to do was make decent grades and show responsibility, show respect, and love them for taking care of me. That was the greatest bargain I ever had in my life!
Free shelter, phone, lights, water, food, clothes, and all they wanted was to be respected for being my folks! They just wanted me to love them and be grateful. They are dead now, but the love they gave me made me a good man; and I still have all the good things I grew accustomed to having. I can provide for others if I have to, not just myself.
Bear with their smothering you with care and bossing you around; until you have enough money and a job. Then you will be able to get as far from them as you want, and do whatever you want. But guess what? There will be times you will return to the nest when you've lost a job, going through a divorce, or recovering from a broken-heart with no where else to turn. Mom will be waiting at the door with open arms to greet you, with all your baggage! Your dad, wanting to smash the guy who broke his baby girl's heart!
Sorry, but if you had a story that they beat and chained you in the basement; or sexually-abused you, I would have a totally different answer for you.
As for your adult brothers and sisters; they don't have to deal with their interfering in their business. They can tell them to butt-out! You will too; when you're employed and independent. Hopefully with an education.
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A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx  +, writes (28 August 2014):
 I'm so sorry about how you are feeling. This is a tricky situation to deal with, sadly some parents can attach themselves to their children, either wanting them to live the lives they never got or because they are worried about losing the relationship that they have with you. This is probably a silly question, but have you actually sat down with your parents and told them how you are feeling? A lot of people are scared of telling their family what they are thinking due to believing that they will be abandoned. Don't think this if it is the case, by the sound of it they are trying to hold on to their last child. Sadly being the youngest in any family puts a lot of pressure on you, all the elder siblings have the chance to make mistakes and by the last child they actually think they've been through enough and the kid is perfect. I'm not sure what the laws are over in America, but over here in the UK being 18 means your a full grown adult and that you can make your own choices without your parents permission. There is always help on hand for anyone that needs it which means all you have to do is talk to someone at your community college and explain how your feeling and whats going on, they can then get you into contact with the right people which can eventually help you find your way. Also I don't normally advise it, but from the way you explained it, have you thought about running away to one of your other siblings houses. Just the action of it can show your parents that your too distressed to live under their roof.Good luck and i wish you all the bestSweet Dreamer xxx
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