A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just want to vent about a situation that still bothers me. Basically I had a 6 month relationship with a guy I worked with. He was the first person I'd been with after my marriage broke up. I guess because I was vulnerable and feeling really crap about myself I instantly fell for this guy and his smooth talk. I did genuinely love him but after what happened and how it ended I'm left feeling so down and my self esteem has been destroyed. I ended things with him 4 months ago. The short version of the story is that he owned a house but rented a room out to his female friend same age as us early thirties. She also worked in the same Company which has over 300 employees so I didn't really know her when I got with him. When we got together we kept it in the down low as we didn't want anyone in work knowing our business, on his I insistence this also meant keeping it from his housemate. She clued up that he had someone in the house occasionally well his bedroom and had even messaged him (why he showed me I've got no idea) demanding to know who he had over the house which she referred to as their home. She seemed angry and resentful and I couldn't understand why if she was his friend she would react like this?When I did finally meet her weeks later from the start of our relationship I instantly felt something was off she was cold towards me and in my gut I sensed she was jealous that he was with me. She was often rude and abrupt to me, when I questioned my bf he would get very defensive and rude with me making excuses for her behaviour. She would often seem to sulk when I was there and wouldnt give us the space we needed even though he supposedly asked her to? She often wore revealing clothes and would ask him to do things for her like pick her up from work take her shopping etc. Before we got together I discovered she had called him her hubby on Facebook in a joking way but still it didn't sit well. He made excuses again. I feel so stupid looking back but he told me over and over they were just friends and I believed him. He even told me once oh she's sulking because she's not getting any sex probably and she's told me before she's never orgasmed through penetration which I was horrified at! Apparently male and female friends talk about these things and I'm the odd one for even questioning it!It became all too much for me and finished it with him. Around this time she had met a guy she was casually seeing and she got a promotion in work funnily enough as my manager. What a coincidence that she happened to apply for the role of manager of my team. A girl who knows them both who works in a different department saw me upset at work and tried to comfort me. She told me she thought I knew they had been friends with benefits before I came on the scene as the housemate had confided this to her months ago. I confronted my bf with this I was really a angry obviously I felt like a fool. I expected him to defend himself but instead he said nothing just get out. I can't believe he didn't even try to defend himself. I left the.company soon afterwards as I couldn't bare to be in the same room as either of them. When I left I told a few people the whole story which I regret now. Him and her both then made out I was a psycho and it was all in my head and I dumped him cause I went back to my ex husband! She had started dating someone a few weeks before we broke up so of course nothing was going on between them and it was all in my head. She never once contacted me to clear anything up so I never spoke to either of them again leaving me just hurt and confused. On top of this 3weeks after we split a friend of mine told me that he had started dating someone else at the company I couldn't believe it!! Fast forward a few months and although I'm getting on with my life I'm still so confused and hurt. How could he do this? We went on holiday together and he told me I was the love of his life? Why did she not bother to defend herself? If I see anyone from the company which I do occasionally they look at me like I'm crazy and all seem on his side. My confidence is just non existent and yet I'm filled with regret about telling people about this when I left? I'm just so angry about the whole thing half a year of my life built on a lie it's just not fair. Not to mention the fact I left a job I enjoyed and had worked at for years. I did get another job not long after but that's not the point.
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at work, broke up, confidence, facebook, friend with benefits, jealous, my ex, on holiday, orgasm, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry I did mean to rate you all excellent I clicked on it wrong just incase you get an alert
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice, I have certainly learned a valuable lesson. All of the red flags for eg the hubby comment, her behaviour etc I did bring up to him question him and tell him it wasn't ok. We argued a lot about it and he just got defensive telling me it was my problem. I asked him why don't you tell her to move out if she is causing so many issues between us but I got "shes not going anywhere anytime soon" In the end I just exploded and when I did confront him he went bright red and started shaking and told me to get out. I really hope he gets his karma for the pain and hurt he caused me. Shes smug as she is in a relationship with some other guy but these things come out in the wash as my mother says. I don't doubt that they still sleep together I hope they get caught!
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (20 November 2017):
 Don't worry, THEY are not your problem. They have loose trousers and loose morals, and one day, they will get a taste of what they dish.. they might be all lusty and smug now but what goes up must come down.. they're not going to have their consequence- free bubble forever, karma WILL come back on them
I agree that ANGER is a WASTE of your time and letting them have a hold over you.. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.. and in time you WILL come to terms with the fact that one more minute seething, is a wasted minute.. you cannot punish them, that's not YOUR job.. their own sordid devices will backfire
Honestly though, what you really need to learn from this is the signs that a guy is not truly INVESTED in you..the guy that TRULY loves and respects you- he will always have your back and first and foremost he will PRIORITIZE YOU. The MOMENT he values another woman's feelings over yours, makes you feel a fool at her behest/ her gain, DISCOUNTS you, or defends her when you're upset- THAT'S when you raise the red flag and plan your departure.
DON'T ignore the signs you ignored here. You need to be strong and be honest with yourself- LISTEN to that niggling doubt, that worm in the gut that just doesn't sit right. That way you wise up quick and save yourself a lot of pain.
A guy who LOVES you will ALWAYS put you first. It's that simple. These people don't have much authenticity/ morality about them and you were unlucky to get involved with them
I wish you well- and look on this as A POSITIVE learning experience
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (20 November 2017):
 It's never easy, nor fair, when these things happen to us, HOWEVER, what's truly most important, is that you've learnt from this experience.
NO life experience, good or bad, is ever a waste of time, because ALL experiences teach us important life lessons and help us to grow bigger, better and wiser.
Try to let go of any residual anger, because this is "wasted energy" on your part and you really cannot change what's already transpired, HOWEVER, you can learn a valuable lesson from it.
You regret telling certain people what happened, primarily because you have your pride and you've now been made out to be the "bad guy", but really, who cares what they all think?
Do you really expect "such people" to have ever stood by you, when the chips were down?
Of course not and that was your ex bf's modus operandi, to smooth talk you, to lie to you, to "use you" to his liking and then to "dump you" when he was faced with the "truth" and "couldn't handle it" anymore.
This guy and the woman he "has sex on the side with", they're not worthy of your time and your emotions.
Whilst they're getting on with their lives, you're still stuck in a rut, asking questions and receiving "no answers".
You dated a guy who's sexually "open" and wasn't ever planning to have a solid and monogamous relationship with you and if truth be known, there were a few warning signs, yet you didn't question him.
"She" referred to "him" as "her hubby" via fb, before you both started dating.
To many people, this would have been a big red flag, yet WHEN you found out, you said nothing and when "she" acted coldly toward you and your ex bf snapped and became defensive, still, you didn't question too much.
Why?
You had placed your trust in him and didn't want to think the worst of him, but he wasn't trustworthy and he did lie to you, ALL ALONG and as you said, you were feeling low and vulnerable when you got together with him.
It may be that you sought comfort in him, on the "rebounds" unfortunately.
In hindsight, you'd have best remained single, UNTIL you'd completely found closure after your marital breakdown.
Much of what transpired, ACTUALLY TRANSPIRED, because you didn't give yourself any time to heal, nor any proper breathing space between both relationships.
It's crucial that when one relationship breaks down, that YOU GIVE YOURSELF PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND YOUR CLOSURE, BEFORE MOVING INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP.
When you're completely healed and emotionally open and ready to move forward, you're in a much better and more "alert" state of mind to make intelligently informed decisions and not end up with the wrong person.
Again, do not allow yourself to get eaten up by anger and feelings of resentment.
Doing so, will only hurt YOU and nobody else and it really is ok to have had this experience as a whole, because it's taught you so much about relationships, both the ups and downs.
It's also taught you great lessons about trust and whilst you've no control over what was said about you in the aftermath, you now have the POWER to make more informed choices going forward.
Let go of the "gossip" spread about you.
Who cares what they all say and think!
Try to find the forgiveness in your heart, for they all know not what they do.
This doesn't mean that you have to forget, but it's important to forgive, for your own sake, so that you're not weighed down by these thoughts.
YOU KNOW that what was said isn't true, so it matters not what others have said and what others think.
You've no control over the words, deeds and thoughts of others, so don't expend any more of your time on that.
If your ex and his "booty call" spoke ill of you after you and he broke up, worry not, because their own KARMA will come back to bite them on their behinds.
If they're wicked enough to lie and if all who have listened believe, what can you truly do?
Nothing, so learn to let go and find your inner healing, via your inner strength and it's right there, within you.
Your ex is getting on with his life, so you should do the same and believe me, when you've let go of the anger and the hurt, you'll feel so much better for having done so.
Life goes on and some day, you'll cross paths with the RIGHT guy and you'll be able to look back on things more objectively.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2017): A lot of seasoned manipulative liars will get angry or deflect when confronted instead of ever owning up to it. And a lot of men will tell you what they think you want in order to get you to do whatever they want. It sounds like he was emotionally manipulating both you and her. Often it starts out really amazing with manipulative people because they are telling you they are exactly what you want, but it is only to dupe you. Later on you realize they can't show you, with their actions, that they are what you want, and you end up with additional miserable bs from being entangled with their web of deceptions with other people. The liar is selfish and doesn't really care what happens to you. Think of it as a learning experience, dust yourself off, and keep doing other things to get your mind off of him. Your feelings will fade, and hopefully your new job will be much better because you won't have to put up with such immaturity! Time only marches forward, and it will take you with it whether you want it to or not.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 November 2017):
 But that IS the point, sweetheart. You have moved on physically. Now you just need to draw a line and move on emotionally and stop torturing yourself.
You didn't see what was plain to see because you didn't WANT to see it. And that is FINE. At the time you needed this guy to help you over the break-up of your marriage. See him as a stepping stone (albeit a very slippery one) to the next stage of your life. At least you only "wasted" 6 months (although I don't believe any experience is ever a waste of time as everything teaches us something about ourselves and about life).
To be fair, he didn't actually HAVE to tell you about his past relationship with this girl, although it would have been the decent thing to do, given her behaviour towards you. Perhaps he didn't think you would stick around if you knew the truth? Perhaps that is exactly why he didn't bother defending himself once you knew the truth, because he assumed you would leave anyway, so he beat you to the post and TOLD you to leave so he could be the one who finished things? Who knows. And really, is it important?
The IMPORTANT thing is that you now give yourself time to get over this. Don't rush into another relationship while you are feeling vulnerable and upset. Take responsibility for ALLOWING this to happen and learn from the experience so that you don't disregard your gut instinct again.
You are grown woman. You are strong. You have been through a rough patch but you CAN and WILL get through this, stronger and more capable of looking after yourself.
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