A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a child with my ex, she is 3, and I have raised her completely on my own with a little help from my family and her father's sister. I never asked her father to stick around me, but I practical begged him to play a part in his daughter's life, but apart from birthday's and christmas, he rarely ever sees her but now he suddenly wants to see more of her ever since his last girlfriend left him. He left me when I was 6 weeks away from my due date to be with her, and missed our child's birth because he was out partying with her. He has missed every important thing near enough but now he thinks he can walk back into her life and just pretend like nothing has happened!I was only 20 when I had my daughter, I have hardly any friends or a social life but he constantly updates his social networks with his very active social life. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, should I just forgive him and let him back into her life more? Such as weekend at his house, days out etc. So far all he does is spend an hour at his sister's with her every month.He pays child support via his bank so I hardly see him, and from what I have heard from his sister, he broke up with his ex because he wanted to play a bigger part of my child's life but she wouldn't let him. So, to the mums and dad's, what is the best thing to do? It's not like she doesn't see him currently, just barely at all. She knows he is her daddy but she never calls him daddy to his face or to me. They have been split up about 3 months, and the first I heard of this was last weekend.
View related questions:
broke up, christmas, his ex, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): If your kid has been benefitting from his child support payments then he has every right to demand more time with her. If you wanted him to stay out of her life due to resentment about not being there in person, you shouldn't have taken his money.
At the same time you need to let him back into her life only in a slow and controlled way. This is to avoid shock to her and also because trust has to be earned not given freely especially when misplaced trust can lead to a lot of damage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): I think like some of the other posters have suggested .... increase contact if that is what he wishes but no over night stays or days out. Especially as he doesn't know her well enough. I understand, he wants some daddy time to himself (maybe even without the sister) but you can't rush children. They come at their own pace and if you force them they will back away. So i would recommend visits from once a month to twice a month. You may also want to ask him to extend his visit time before asking for more visits. Like if he wants to see her then it has to be 2/3 hours each visit not one lone hour. If he wants her for the weekend how is he going to cope if he's never been around her more than 60 minutes???? If he really wants to have a "day out" then suggest a child play centre near where YOU live so if he can't cope, you are within running distance. Plus its something she would enjoy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 I say if he wants to step up and be a dad now... GOOD FOR HIM and YES by all means you should NOT stand in his way.
As long as the child is safe with her dad let her go...
start slow... no overnights till she's ready... if she had been doing them all along it would be fine but now at three it may take her some time to get used to it.
YOU do not have to like him or forgive him. YOU need to put on a brave front for your child and speak only kindly of her dad in front of her.
I'm betting it's all about how now at 3 she's becoming a person he's comfortable coping with... Babies are often hard for young folks and harder for young men... not saying it's right, just that it is.
Be an adult here as you have all along caring for your child and let her dad in as much as possible. Learn to forgive and work with him to the best of your ability to co-parent with him. TEACH him how to set the rules at home so they are consistent with yours to the best of his ability.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 The choice is not yours, it's the law's.
since 2003 , an unmarried father who jointly signs the birth register with the mother is bound by a legal status called Parental Responsibilities. He des not have rights to the child but he has responsibilities. The child has the right to grow up with the love and care of both parents- so it is also dad's responsibility to protect the rights of his child. Reason for which , if you prevent him access to the child he can make application for contact etc. through the court - and obtain it 99 % of the times ( i.e. if he is not actually dangerous for the safety of the child ).
If he did not sign, he , while STILL being legally bound to paying child support, has basically no say in his child's life, you are the boss. But, I think, he could still petition the court for signing an agreement of Parental Responsibilities.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): Your daughter didn't pick her father, YOU did, and you have no right to vent your grievances against your previously wayward baby daddy by denying his child's right to have access to him if he wants to become a more active, involved presence in her life.
If he becomes a part of her life now then she won't remember the occasions he missed out for which you are holding a grudge.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dink123 +, writes (30 October 2013):
This is your daughters father, he does deserve to be in her life. He isn't abusive to either you or her so you should allow him to see his daughter.
However, like others have previously mentioned, at first keep it 'short and sweet' as it were. Allow him to see your daughter a few more times a month, possibly once every two weeks then when you feel she is comfortable, up it to once a week?
It sounds as though he has wanted to spend more time with his daughter, but because of his previous girlfriend, he wasn't able to. And now she has gone, he feels that he is going to do what he can to see his little girl.
Allow it, forgive him, for your daughters sake. I'm sure she wants her daddy in her life, and wants to be able to call him daddy one day.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): We can all sit in judgement and try and read his mind. I think he has something to prove to his daughter. Not to anyone else. He is her biological father; and has more rights as her other parent, than simply supplying financial support.It isn't only the child that will be bonding, he will bond as well. It's worth the effort. Then if he does decide to take off, come some new woman into his life; then you'll know he wasn't sincere. You seem to trust his sister. She offered you a plausible explanation. It's to the child's benefit if she does get to know her father. It would be better to work with him, than force him to fight for his parental rights. Denying him the opportunity when he did try, will be hard for your daughter to understand later on. Someday, she will seek him on her own. Do you want him to be able to tell her it was you who kept them apart? You can't use the girlfriend excuse. You two are her parents, and fully accountable and responsible for her happiness and well-being. No third party will be your scapegoat.If he isn't abusive, you aren't protecting her from anything. Accept the possibility of allowing her to form her own opinion; based on "her own" experience, and relationship with her father.He doesn't really need your permission. He can make it a legal matter. Keep it simple and civil for the child's sake.Deal with things as they come.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 October 2013):
 this is a tough stuation, as you naturally want what is best for your daughter. ideally, your ex would come into your daugters life and stay there. however, i am very skeptical of this because he chose to walk out of her life when he was caught up in a relationship with another woman, and missed out on A LOT of amazing things relating to her. it was only until his relationship ended that he suddenly decided it was important to be a father. what happens when he becomes a big part of her every day life for a year or two, she becomes really attached, and then he meets someone else and disappears again for another three years? this is the time-frame when attachment is formed for children, and it can cause significant damage to her to have her father come and go from her life.
of course, he is the father, so he unfortunately he has the right to see her when he wants. but for your daughters well-being, i would try to limit his contact with her, if at all possible, for a while at least, until he proves he is trustworthy and not going to disappear again. you don't want your daughter to get hurt in all this.
good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 October 2013):
 From both an objective AND a selfish standpoint, it's all good for you actually. You don't *have* to let him back into YOUR life, but he is a child support paying father who actually dumped the girlfriend and the party life to be with his daughter more.
Instead of dwelling on the hurt he caused you and the unfairness that he ducked out of the tough diaper and sleepless teething years, let him be with her and then YOU can add a social life back into your life. It's good for your daughter to be close to her father. It's good for you to be free of some of the burden. It's good for him because it sounds like he finally got a little maturity bashed into him when he dumped his girlfriend.
Think about it - weekend at his house? You can go out and enjoy your youth! If you withhold her from him, then you can go on playing the martyr. Yes, you *were* one when he was absent physically, but if you indulge those hurts and use your daughter as a weapon against him and attack him for now taking an interest, then you'll be *playing* the martyr. He has been faithful with child support, when so many moms on here deal with daddy's interest AND lack of financial support.
So go get your life back - let him get to know her, and you'll have some fun to post on Facebook!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 October 2013):
 Do what is in your daughter's best interest. Lay aside your own resentments and only focus on whether your daughter will benefit from increased contact with her father. I was very close to my Dad and that relationship can be very crucial to a young lady, but only if it is a good one. Your daughter is getting more verbal, ask her if she wants to see Daddy. Watch the situation closely. Some men don't really recognize children until they can walk, talk, and reliably relieve themselves in the bathroom. I guess what I advise is to just not let your feelings for the father ofyour child determine what your does/may feel for her father.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (30 October 2013):
 I think the short answer is you really don't have a choice whether to forgive him or not. Being that he is a legal guardian, and provided he isn't abusive he probably has every right to visit his daughter -- regardless of your feelings.
I would think that regardless of your feelings, you would be happy that your daughter is getting to know her father. Kids with two, involved parents do better in just about every aspect. Also, with him being involved I am guessing you will likely get more support from him as he would likely pony up for some things that you wouldn't normally be able to afford.
While I can certainly understand your resentment towards him: you obviously didn't work out as a couple (for whatever reason) and you had to do the tough work of raising a newborn, I would hope that you could put aside those resentments for your own sanity as well as your daughter's.
Remember, the better you get along, the easier the next 15 years are going to be -- for everyone involved.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): I think you have to be very cautious here; okey so he does see her but its been very infrequent and only on big occasions .. I think letting him visit her once a fortnight still at his sisters house as your daughter , though she mental thinks oo this is daddy.. She hasn't yet real used that this man whom she sees at Xmas birthdays etc he's my dad .. He is as much a stranger as Santa Claus .. So easy does it.. He also has to show by his actions that he does want to see her regularly that he is going to go at his daughter pace .. That he will be consistent ..Children need consistency .. They thrive on it .. You can not take the chance that this is a bored phase he's going through and his daughter is a means to lighten his boredom .. Until the next girl friend comes along..Whatever you decide .. You know your daughter .. Think about what you feel she can handle .. But I would make sure that for the next 6 months visits would be at his sisters .. No visits to daddy's house until the year was up of consistent contact . No sleepover either until she flt ready .. He has to earn her trust and yours..God bless sweetie .. ( brave girl, be proud of yourself n your daughter)
...............................
|
