A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i was meant to be getting married Sat. 20th Oct. but my partner left me. our 6 year old is totally in denial about this and keeps talking about when me and his mom get married, which obviously isn't going to happen now.i keep telling him that there isn't a wedding any more and that i'll take him to the zoo or somewhere he wants to go on that day. but his general reply is 'don't be stupid dad' and he keeps asking when his mom is coming home. i don't know what to do for the best here, i tell him that we won't be living with his mom but he'll see her sometime when she gets back off holiday- i have no idea when this will be so i can't give him a date. he's not a stupid kid. he understands basically what's happening but he's obviously having trouble acepting it. i've thought about getting him to see some sort of professional but he's quite a shy kid so i don't want to cause him more upset. we're having to move house because of this, which is upsetting him too and he's become really clingy. i hate my ex for putting him- and our other kids through this- but how can i help him to deal with this? it's been less than 2 weeks since she left, does he just need time? any ideas on anything i can do to help him?
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male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (10 October 2007):
Explain the whole thing to him in simple terms. Correct him when he speaks illogically. Repeat the explanation if necessary. Help find a new interest to occupy his mind.
Don't make a big deal about it. It's just the way it is.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 October 2007):
 This has to be extremely rough for both of you. First of all, try not to show any ill feeling about your ex in front of him. He can pick that up, and all though she did this, she's still his mom. That's going to create more resentment.
His clingy is an "abandoned" reaction. Mom's here, now she's not, he's confused as to when dad's going to disappear. His holding on is his way of preventing that from happening.
Of course, being honest with him, but in a way of understanding. The most important thing you can do is to reinforce over and over and over again that you're not going to be leaving him. Also listen to him. Just because he knows kind of what's happening, he may have a distorted view of it. Listen to his feelings, realizing kids do sense and can develop real deep down hurt at this age.
When it comes up about her leaving, always refer to her as leaving us, not him and not just you. He needs to feel as if you're still a team with him, and that all though the situation has changed, you can get through this together.
Getting some professional help may be necessary. They use a form of therapy for children that age called "play therapy", it's great because kids many times while playing their feelings, wants, desires, and hurts come out while playing.
I wish you luck, take care.
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