A
female
age
41-50,
*aisy1911
writes:My relationship is very complicated. I met my boyfriend while working as a part-time bartender. The first time I met him he told me that his wife had died six weeks prior. I was in shock by how easily he said it but yet I found that he was easy to talk to you, he asked me out several times during the next few months. I said no because I assumed it would be a "fling." After four months we went on our first date. I thought although it was going to be complicated that he was it worth it and it was something that I could handle. He works 20 days out of the month in Houston Texas and we live in Joplin Missouri. We see each other for at the most eight days a month, at this time it's been 1 year of living together. So we live in the house in which his wife of 20 years and he lived in with their three daughters. We have been through a lot since we started dating. I have two young children and he has three grown daughters, along with the passing of his wife. I feel that I will never be even comparable to the woman that he spent most of his life with. He is also 10 years older than I am. At this point in the relationship I am living in a home that I spend majority of the time alone in except my two children, we have ADT security system so he can see everything I do and anyone who comes by, he was tracking me through my phone until I deleted the app. As of the last two months, he and I rarely talk on the phone, we rarely text one another, and when he's home we have a good time but that usually only last maybe three days and then he spends quite a bit of time with other friends and family. Which I completely understand except that I'm not included. Of course I know that there's aspects about myself that I can change or need to change but I do the best that I can to be who he needs me to be while still trying to keep who I am. Every day I think that I need to move on with my life. I don't want to give up on him because I do love him. I just feel alone and as though he feels indifferent about our relationship. He often criticizes my choices in friends, how I parent, brings up all mistakes I've made in the past. We have had problems, we've both made mistakes. The biggest issue I have is that I have two children that I brought into this relationship, that live here with us. What do you believe as a group that I should do? I know it will be difficult to get on my feet quickly being a single mom but I don't want to continue being and feeling upset, not enough, alone and that I'm trying with everything. What would be the suggestion of the group that I do to make this better or how should I plan on transitioning myself and my children into a different life?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 This man is a widower, whether he adored his wife of 20 years or not, he was not in a position or proper mind set to start another (serious) relationship, basically he was lonely... he wanted a companionship of sorts, someone “to be there”.
A year later he’s now showing signs of ambivalence, behaves indifferent and spends quite a bit of time with other friends and family. This is perfectly normal for a widower who has not typically grieved, and who is discovering himself (his feelings for you) within a (speedy) live in relationship.
For me it’s like dating a guy who just broke up from his partner of 10+ years, I don’t entertain being their rebound or fling! They’re too much hard work as they’re still filled with anger, failure, heartache, memories that have nothing to do with me. It’s not my place to play Therapist. Love me for me and treat me accordingly to my actions, not some ghost or former ex!
However in this case, I believe your widower needed to pause, reflect and grieve at least until the first anniversary of her death before dating again? Evidently after a year he’s become critical of you and now makes you feel lonely enough to think about moving on. This is not showing you he loves you… Pay attention to his actions, not his words.
I think had you both discussed your goals for the future before moving in would have been wise. Plus there’s no point in comparing yourself or measuring up to his late wife, that’s just ridiculous, there’s no benefit in such talk! Be that your living in the family home, it is his job to make you feel accepted and loved. If that isn’t happening the way you/both planned/discussed, then yes, make a transition.
Waste no time on someone who can’t treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Take Care – CCA
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 Is there no way that you can move to Texas so that you can live as a family? I understand that his home is where you are, but surely a home is where you make it? Have you discussed long term where you will both lead to, will he always work away from home?
I can understand why you would feel inferior to his wife, but remember you cannot change his past, nor can he change the fact his wife died, he is moving on with his life and trying to get over her, but he probably will always love her, but that comes with the territory of going out with a widow.
You say over the last couple of months the contact has been poor, little phone calls, is their a reason for this? He doesn't include you in family activities which to me sounds odd, surely if he is serious about you and has you living in his home that he can include you with his family and friends, this would be a deal breaker for me and something that you should talk to him about.
I understand that you love him, but sometimes love is not enough, are you actually getting anything out of this relationship besides love? You need to be happy. That is the most important one.
We all make mistakes but our past mistakes should not be throwing in our face, plus he has no right to judge your parenting skills.
Yes it would be difficult being a single mother, but it might also give you a chance to meet someone who is willing to put you first and be their for you. Off course the choice is yours but my opinion would be that yes you should leave.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (15 April 2016):
Personally I would never get involved with a women with children from another man. The idea of raising another man's children is just repulsive to me on a very primal level.
I think he may have the same affliction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Hi,
Is there any reason why you all couldn’t live nearer to where he works? 8 Days in a month is not much time to see if you really get along well is it?
What do your children think of him? Does he spend time with them?
I have been a single parent myself so I know just how hard that can be. That said it doesn’t mean you should just put up with any guy because he gives you a little stability.
Try talking to him and tell him your fears, tell him you feel this is just a part time situation and you deserve more.
If he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you he will do something to stop that happening. If he doesn’t then perhaps its time to move on a find a guy that will want the same as you. They are out there you know, you just have to look and be more choosy.
Hope this helps X
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