A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for seven years this year, married for two. We have three children together. Two girls and a boy. 7, 4 and 9 months.I have a friend, we will call her Lee, and we started becoming friends about two years ago when she found out she was pregnant with my husbands best friends child (who was married at the time).Her kids and mine hang out, our youngests are really close and hang out almost everyday. They are each others best friends.She had tried to get with my husband before he and I were married. And she tried really hard after he and I took a break after our second daughter was born for about five months. He and I weren't married, but we were still sleeping together and trying to work things out.I have had this woman over at my house, a lot. I have fed her dinner, watched her kids all the time. We have bbqs almost every other weekend and she takes our kids to school because I work so early in the morning and my husband stays home because he can't find work right now and we have one vehicle.When we were separated, I asked him, repeatedly if he had slept with anyone and he denied that he had.He told me, two days ago, on my day off and a day after I had a bbq with Lee and her children and some of our other friends, that two months after he and I had separated, but were still sleeping together, that he did sleep with Lee.My world was shattered. Granted, this was four years ago and we weren't together but we were still sleeping together and he has lied to me for four years about sleeping with her.I can't fathom this. I thought he was different, I thought he was the only man =in the world who wouldn't sleep with her. Because he was different to me. Honest.And his one sentence shattered everything I thought I knew about him, her and her motives in becoming my friend, and our relationship. I cant get it out of my head.He and I have spoken about it and he says he didnt want to hurt me, they did it only once, neither one of them arrived to their destination if you know what I mean. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do.I can't imagine being with anyone else but my husband and my kids would be broken. What do I do? How do I cope with this.I know this is long, thank you for reading and all of your suggestions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): I could not get over it.
What a slut Lee is.
And she is no friend. Not to you. Not to your "husband." Not to your family.
Get rid of her.
And while you're at it, get rid of HIM too!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): I honestly feel this justifies a divorce. I am not saying to get a divorce but I am saying you should deal with it that seriously.
This isn't just a long-ago hookup turning up again. This has damaged your respect & attraction for your husband. You may get over the sexual betrayal but how are you going to get over being married to a man who sleeps with women like HER?
Some people will understand this intuitively. Others won't, and no amount of explaining will get through to them.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 Hi OP. Me again. It would be a bit naive to accept the reason being they agreed not to tell was to protect your feelings. Your husband and you were on a break, remaining intimate, to try work things out-right? Yet he decides having sex with her is going to be helpful?- No he decided to keep it from you to save his arse not your feelings. What ever bullshit he fed her at the time, as to your temporary break, one month in any ones language is something you would raise a suspect eye to and wait a bit longer-just in case he was lying, and he was you can only assume. Even if he told her up front you guys were still trying to work things out it wouldn't have mattered one iota she wanted him before and seen it as a selfish self indulgent opportunity. Yet knowing this she pursues a friendship with you. This to her is POWER and a manipulative one at that. Then there is of course : was this really a one off? Have you asked him the reason he has decided to tell you now? There could be more to that also. I mean if your friends and brother knew perhaps it is their guilt forcing him to tell you which means that still he would be prepared to deceive you. You should feel betrayed but shame and embarrassment is something they take ownership of. I really cant see you moving past this if she is to remain in the picture as a constant reminder. It is going to be hard enough for you to live with him let alone feel as though you still have any loyalties to her. As for your children missing out, well think of it as Lee moving overseas and taking her kids with her. They would be able to see then. I feel as though YOU are the most important person ATM because you are having to deal with the truth not your children, they don't need to know and children adapt very quickly to change- why on earth you should be made to feel as though it is your responsibility to keep everyone happy at the expense of your own state of mental and emotional health is just just RIDICULOUS! You would not be ruining anything, they put the wheels in motion for that- just putting an end to being eventually ruined holistically. She is what she is and played her part in whats done,whats left is still the sad and little woman that she is. But it is your husband, should you wish to stay, you need to focus. A long road ahead for you, no doubt about that, but my advice would be not to try travel it alone. Seek some counselling, first for yourself then as a couple. Try not to get into it at home as it can very easily spiral out of control to a place of no return. If it is something you cant afford then there are some community or church marriage counsellor services available. If this is something your want both you and him to do- then give him no choice. He doesn't get to decide- thats part of YOUR deal. Deal with each of the others, friends and brother, when you are able in your time and to your schedule. They will just have to respect that. Seriously my heart really breaks for you. You don't need to personally know someone to have empathy this is just as horrible situation. I wish you well
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Ok, but still. Do you want to raise hell and ruin the lives of your children and everyone else around you, just so they can be in as much pain as you? Because that still will not make your own pain go away.
But sure, if revenge is what you want, then inflict pain on everyone around you by getting a divorce and take your kids away from Lee and your husband and that way everyone can have a miserable time, just like you.
Or, accept that life isn't fair, and people can be assholes without that meaning they are assholes 100% of the time. Call of the friendship with Lee if you want to, but honestly, if she's been a genuine friend to you these last years, and you are a friend to her in return, then a good talking though about this would be enough!
I mean, the chances are that much higher that they kept it hidden from you to NOT hurt you and spare your feelings. They didn't do it to make a fool out of you. That's just your hurt pride speaking. The truth is they did it because they thought it was best that way. Now, maybe that was wrong of them and not very smart, but still. You can't expect people to do better than they are capable of, and neither Lee or your husband are saints. They're human, like the rest of us.
If you honestly think nothing more of Lee than that she's a slut who's been sleeping around with everyone, it doesn't sound like she's an actual friend of yours anyway. So if that's how you feel, then whatever "friendship" you had with her has been a fake one, and you're just as guilty of faking friendship as you accuse her of faking friendship.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (16 April 2016):
@chigirl 'Of course friends don't sleep with their friends exes or whatever' is a dim witted statement. Many have and will continue to do. Now I don't feel as bad for mis interpreting the friend zone timing. Regardless, Lee tried sleeping with him before they were married, succeeded while on break and now is her friend knowing that. Lee sounds more like a bunny boiler than a friend too me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLee and my husband agreed, together, behind my back, not to tell me.I found out today two of our mutual friends knew and so did my younger brother.I feel humiliated and betrayed. But at the same time I want to forget it ever happened and go back to how things were.She has literally slept with every guy that I know. I thought my husband was different, I thought he wouldn't get sucked in to her childish antics of flirting, but he did.And I would lie to him about small things, like when I spend five dollars on a pack of smokes and other small things. I have never lied about my faithfulness. I have only been with him for the last eight years and I thought the same of him, obviously not. I don't know how to move on from this.We had two kids together when they slept together, our daughter was a fourteen months old and we had been separated for a month.One month.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 April 2016):
Hey, read the question, they were NOT friends until TWO YEARS AFTER. Of course friends don't sleep with their friends exes or whatever, but they weren't friends back then!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (15 April 2016):
Fuck Lee and the friendship. If it were me she'd be flat on her arse. ANY FRIEND WORTH THEIR WEIGHT would KNOW that sleeping with their friends husband is a no go zone- PERIOD! Using the excuse that you guys were separated at the time is nothing more than them trying to sugar coat and justify their betrayal. What make this whole thing really sux is the fact that she has the audacity to think that she still has the right to call her self your friend some four years later being all smiles to your face. Thats just so fucked up. Personally I think she needs to go and your husband needs to do some SERIOUS making up. I dont buy the whole " I didnt want to hurt you " crap. If he was sleeping with you with the understanding that you guys were trying to work things out, then I'm sure it was you that popped into his head in the few minutes it takes to get your gear off. He would know that this would have hurt you if you found out but chose to do it anyway. He needs to know just how much this has hurt and accept the fact that it will continue to hurt and cause your marriage some disruption why you find ways to get your head around all this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 April 2016):
Lee became your friend two years AFTER she had been with your husband. I do not think, at all, that her motives in becoming your friend had anything to do with your husband, but everything to do with you being an amazing person and she wanting to be a part of YOUR life.
I know this betrayal hurts like shit, Id be furious too, but here's the little voice of logic. Lee looks up to you, I believe. The only reason she tried to get with your now husband was, probably, because she saw what a great man is was/is to you, and who doesn't want such a great man in their own life?
You said you thought your husband was the only one who didn't sleep with her, this sounds like a lot of men have slept with her? If this is the case, then it shows that this Lee person might be a bit insecure, taking the company of men as reassurance that she is desired and wanted.
Whatever he reasons for sleeping with your now husband had nothing to do with wanting to be mean to you.
She probably thinks you already knew about her sleeping with your now husband, seeing as she became your friend two years after the fact. And, as far as she knew, you and your husband were not seeing each other at the time. Your husband was the one who cheated. And I can promise you one thing, he didn't tell Lee that he was still sleeping with you at the time!
So, that's Lee. Stick to her as your friend. She hasn't done you any harm, on the contrary she sounds like a nice person to have in your life, good company and also the kids play well together.
Now for your husband. He cheated. He knows it, you know it. If this wasn't cheating, he wouldn't have had any problems admitting it to you when you asked. He knew that if he admitted to having rolled in the hay with Lee, back then 4 years ago, you probably would not have taken him back! So simple solution: what you don't know can't harm you. Well, in his book anyway.
Not having slept with Lee can't possibly have been the only special and unique quality about your husband though.
I suggest you tell him that this was betrayal from his side, and that you do not forgive him lying to you for 4 years. If he wants a happy marriage with you, he needs to make it up to you and for you to become okay with the fact that he lied for 4 years.
Unless you have some secrets you don't want to share with your husband, in which case just let this one go.
As for how he should make it up to you, you need to think about it good and hard. What could possibly help? Punishment (tends to feel good only short term, and then just builds into resentment), or something else, like perhaps you getting brownie points to decide something that is of great importance for your marriage? For example move houses to where you want to live, if you're always had a dream of living somewhere else? Or something like that.
That's my advice anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): That's shattering news, I am sorry that your husband was not upfront and honest with you from the start because now things are a lot more complicated.
What would I do. I imagine I would be hurt for quite some time, I would tell him that he has destroyed my trust because he was directly asked if that happened and he lied. Now, no matter what he says about it being just the once, you no longer know if you can believe him. I would also feel completely betrayed as you were still sleeping together and he had risked your sexual health - because how do you know he's telling the truth about it being once and that he used protection. Especially if you guys weren't using protection either. I would just tell him outright all of the worries and that his is wholly his fault for not just being honest and all these feelings you're having are a natural reaction and he will need to play his part in getting over this.
But it does sound like he's proved himself to be a decent husband to you - other than this. I think you'd need to give marriage counselling a go as soon as possible to work through this, that's what I would do. Otherwise the feelings of anger and betrayal will fester and could destroy your relationship over time.
And Lee...well, her track record isn't great is it. She got pregnant with your husbands married friend and slept with your partner too. I would probably be upfront and say you're happy for your children to remain friends but that the frequent dinners and bbq's are stopping. Yes your husband played his part in sleeping with her, but she has pushed the limits by befriending you knowing this all went on and actually seeing her often would, for me at least, bring up feelings of anger which wouldn't be helpful as you try and repair your marriage with your husband. If your children miss her frequent visits then you can just say she's become fairly busy and can't make it, depending on the maturity of your children you could explain that sometimes people are friends and that it's fine for friends to change and you are friendly wth each other but not friends any more - link it to maybe a time they were friends with someone but they don't play as much anymore or whatever; kids pick up on a lot so addressing it with them in a open but child friendly way is a good life lesson for them and saves their confusion.
Good luck, I really wouldn't try and fix this alone and would seek out a professional counsellor. Look for someone accredited or has good recommendations, I don't know about where you are but in the UK there is actually a national organisation called Relate who offer reasonably priced professional services for couples and perhaps there's something similar?
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