A
female
age
41-50,
*hat to do?
writes:I just found out my husband cheated. I discovered and accessed a secret email acct and saw he had a profile on adult friend finder and replies to postings on craigslist, most recently while away for work w/ a call girl. I confronted him, he denied cheating, says he was just looking, promised. and upon further investigation found more evidence and he confessed. I wanted answers, to know Everything, everytime, etc... He wouldn't tell. I wouldn't say how I knew for sure. He said he loves me, our family, was wrong, but started to tell ME all the reasons I've let him down. I said I wanted counseling, he agreed to go, but not thru his insurance, a priest maybe. I didn't get into why I'm not happy, I wanted to in counseling, I just wanted to know if he wanted to try to change, make it work. Some assurance not to leave right then. I NEVER thought I would be this woman, staying! He was trying to be nice for 2 days, but didn't want to talk of it. For some stupid reason I was wanting him to pursue me, hold me, reassure me. Nothing. He then got on to my myspace and read I told a friend who's not too close. Also that thankfully I have xanax or I'd be a mess. (He didn't know I take them) He was furious. Said this is our problem, no one should know, I explained that yes, everyone would know if we don't work it out, that's why I'm being the bigger person here, trying. He said I have my secret life too, I equally betrayed him. I can tell anyone I want whatever about my self, but not of him.Thru all of this, he's more upset over my telling someone! Not that fact that I wrote maybe revenge would help me, said he didn't care, maybe I should, go ahead. Now saying counseling won't work, he doesn't want to. We should be able to fix this ourselves. He then pulled away and went back to work (at home) like normal. No more trying to sit next to me. He finally came to bed, I tried, Again, just to hold him. HE pushed me away, said no, how could I after what happened today! I again said what are you thinking, You did wrong, not me. Should have thought of the consequences of your actions and your families disappointment before. I wasn't as harsh with him for infidelity! How can you be pushing me away? I just don't know what to do. I was willing to try to forgive IF he would go to counseling and try to fix us. I know I'm not perfect either and also have issues, and would like to save our family. I don't understand how he isn't kissing up to try to do anything to prevent me from leaving w/our kids, and has even turned it around. After my ultimatum and his latest actions, if I stay I'm just saying it's ok right? I'm not willing to stay with him and play house unless we work this out. He should be the one putting forth the effort here, not pushing me away. I don't get it.
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female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (8 January 2008):
 What a woman you are! You must love him sooo much, that you are willing to overlook his sin so readily. I admire you!
I recently said to my boyfriend " I don't let ANYONE manipulate me for their purposes, unless I am in love with them." And... you sound as though you are the same as me. It sounds to me as though you need to use some "TOUGH LOVE" with your husband. I know how hard it can be, but there may be no other way.
I was in a marriage for 17yrs with a man who didn't cheat on me, but he used me for his purposes. He had a business and used me as a slave, working 7 days a week, all day & all night. I continuously humbly complained, and he never reacted to my compaints. We went to see a Marriage Counciler, after he learned that I wanted to leave him. She said "He treated you like this, because you LET HIM."
Maybe it was true. Anyhow, I did leave him. He tried everything to get me to change my mind... but it was too late. I already resented him too much, & couldn't stand to look at him. But for 17 years, I loved him soo much... the same way that you love your husband.
Your problem doesn't sound very good. Maybe if you start distancing yourself from him, sleep in another room, start going to see friends & family... then purhaps he will feel as though he is loosing you... and purhaps he will do everything in his power to try to make you change your mind. And if he does, then you can LAY DOWN THE RULES if you still want to be with him.
A
female
reader, what to do? +, writes (8 January 2008):
what to do? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all. I know & have been thinking the same. No I am not desperate at all, in fact am 12 yrs younger & the better looking one. I will be fine. I wanted to say, & know myself that I gave it a try (with a very stubborn Cuban Man) before leaving my two young boys without their father. I can now say I tried. I am giving him the ultimatium of full counseling and everything on MY terms or kicking him out of our house tonight & telling his family. I will not accept this, am only 30 & if it's gonna end, would rather it end now when I can easily get on with my life and hopefully meet someone else.
Thank you!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 I'm sorry to say he is treating you like this because you let him. You say you are trying to cuddle up and get close back in bed - after he has admitted cheating on you and shown no remorse? No wonder he feels he can put the blame on you, you are an easy target.
At this rate you cannot expect him to modify his behaviour, why should he? there are no consequences when you find out and its you not him who tries to reconcile.
This is going to be a hard one for you to deal with. I doubt he will change as he has gotten away with his behaviour for so long, maybe its time to consider moving out.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (7 January 2008):
 You are absolutely right he is the one that should be making an effort to make things better in your marriage. It sounds like your husband is looking for a reason to blame you and to shift the responsibility of his actions. I am sure that you are hurt about the cheating but the non-chalance is like pouring salt on your wounds. If he doesn't make an effort to make things work then it is time to consider your options.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): He is turning this around on you, because you're leting him. How could you even sleep in the same bed as him after what he's done? And you're the one trying to hold him, make it all better? What message do you think you're sending? You're kissing up to him for him cheating on you. Are you this desperate? If I were you, I'd file for divorce & keep the evidence that he was cheating on you to use in court.
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