A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there guys, i really need help. I filed separation from my ex on account of cheating and abusive behaviour about 18 months ago. 2 children remain with me. When they went for a visit to their dad I have come to understand that he's sharing the flat with a woman who I believe is his girlfriend though I have no proof. Is this allowed as I feel violated that that may have the wrong influence on children aged 11 and 6. Or is this in his right. I plan to file for divorce by English law in June and I'd love some advise please. Feel extremely sick that the wrong doer moved on so easily and I'm burdened with financial load (he gives his 20% by CSA) and other general care for kids which I want of course but just feels unfair and depressing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): My husband abandoned my daughter and I when she was six. He's never had a job, lives with his mother and never paid a penny in support. I had no help - financial or otherwise - from my parents whom I was estranged from and never inherited a penny when they died
I was 26 when this happened. My daughter and I literally had no furniture at all, and knew no-one to ask for help. I became seriously ill with post viral syndrome,I now see that this was caused by stress and fear. I was too frightened to tell the doctor the full extent of how ill I was in case they called social services to take my daughter away.
What did I do? I determined that my husband would not, ever, take away my capacity to love. I loved my daughter and I worked incredibly hard. I was never given a council house because I was considered financially independent, even though my earnings after child care costs made us worse off than on benefits - most of my salary went to greedy landlords. As soon as I got them out of my life things started to improve. Having gotten landlords out of my life I determined to get my mortgage lender out of my life as well. I miraculously paid off my mortgage early.
I worked in jobs I hated, where men treated me like a thing rather than a human. I took my daughter to lots of different after school activites and made sure she never went without. It's incredibly hard in your 20's and 30's to not be able to buy any new clothes, or go out with people your own age or do the job that you really want to do because you have to do jobs that you can somehow squeeze around your responsibilities as a mum. But the thing was, I knew that "If I stand still I'll get eaten alive". I knew I had to make a start to work my way upwards and that the start would be horrible but things would get better. They slowly did. I managed to combine work with going to university part time in evenings. The stress on me of all of this was absolutely enormous. No one understood my position, no one believed in me. I had and have friends but, to this day, have not met any single person - woman, man, parent, non-parent, who can imagine what I went through. It was lonely.
twenty years later I have a PhD, I own my own property outright, my daughter is working and studying part time for her masters degree and I have just about completed a change of career to work in a job I absolutely love. I have friends that I like and get on with. But I've given up even trying to discuss with them what my earlier life was like. There really is no point. I am pretty exhausted I admit, and now looking forward to a life with far more pleasure and fun in it.
It's been a long, lonely haul. To haul yourself out of poverty as a single parent is one of the hardest things to do. But it is not impossible. The crucial thing is not to let your husband's attitude eat you up with anger. Channel your anger into DOING. Guard your health. If you have even a little money coming from him then it will help, but only if you are working, otherwise it will only end up being taken out of your benefits - or most of it. If you get support from family then count your blessings.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks do much you're right I need to stomach it and if it's not the right time I need to make it so... I'm not in poverty (luckily) so I earn a decent amount but was the ease with which he moved on that's shocked my system a bit..I'll focus on the future and I'll make my own recording too x thank you
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 As a divorcee, I totally get it. I get feeling that he owes you something- he does. You are entitled to all that you feel you are...However can I just say what helped me? I used all my anger to fuel my new dream. I sat and recorded on my phone defiant verbal pictures of the life I was going to have to spite him- all the money I am going to make, the love I am going to have all of it. And I listen to my passionate voice notes to talk myself into the stubborness necessary to build a new life.And eventually I was ready to let go of what I should never have had to.It is not wrong for a wife to want to be loved, for a mother to want a father to pull his weight.But you know he's not gonnaYou know that what is right and what is fair are not high on his priority list...But you also know that there is karma..You also know that there are more effective ways to spend your energy than the way you are accustomed to: trying to change Mr Lost Cause.I scincerely apologise if I have pointed out this truth before you are able to stomach it. Be strong girl. Thia is going to be the most painful period of your life, but once this agonising surgery of the removal o
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo true some great tips and useful advise. Thanks both. It really helped sort my mood for the day x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Is your ex husband allowed to date? Sure. You are too. Do I find it a bad idea for him to introduce a new woman to the kids without you having met her first? Actually, I do. But not everyone can handle meeting the new gf/bf.
Is it bad for the kids? I don't think so. IF the kids come home happy about having spend time with their dad then that is a good thing. He might have sucked as a husband, at least he is trying as a dad.
Most women (and the men who end up in the primary caretaker role) are the once who pull the biggest load. Financially and emotionally. They have to become mom & dad.
20% may not seem like much and I would talk to the case manager about what other benefits you might qualify for. Your ex also have to be able to take care of himself.
My husband paid 40% of his income to his ex-wife.
My niece gets $40 a month from the father of their child. $40. He CHOOSES to not work (unless he can get a job under the table) JUST so he doesn't have to pay child-support for their child and his other child. He has seen his daughter a handful of times since she was born, she is 4. And he ONLY lives 10 miles from her house.
There will be SO many things your husband will miss out on as a parent. And that is his own fault.
I get that it feels unfair, and I think it is. But YOU can do it. YOU can make a difference in your children's life EVEN without him. Whether he is happy or not, doesn't matter. If he cheated on you and he was abusive that can easily happen to his current or next GF too.
Good for you for not staying in a bad marriage. One day your kids WILL see that. One day YOU will too.
Keep your head up high. Material thing are not what makes a good childhood or life. Smart, caring & GOOD people are.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 April 2014):
 At least you get CSA, a lot of women don't - that's the only plus though.
Your finances will be sorted out during the divorce. Once the divorce is sorted, and access, then you too can move on afterwards, just as he has, at least you have a roof over your head and money for the children.
If the children see their dad and are happy to do this, then for them its good. If they are unhappy seeing the woman, then they don't have to just yet,if at all, its their dad they want to see.
It hurts just now, it seems unfair too, but sadly that's divorce for you, especially worse when you have children. Your whole life will change and you have to adjust, fair or not.
Good luck x
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