A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I talk to my sister?My sister and I are more than 10 years apart in age. She's in her 40's and I'm close to my 30's. Both of us are single and never been married. We've been roommates for years, and it's only since this past year that I find myself growing intolerable of her. It's upsetting because we've been best friends all this time despite our age difference.I first moved in with her when I transferred to the college in her city. We live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 900sqft apartment. Because of my class schedule as a fulltime student on scholarship and lack of work experience, I couldn't get a job that paid enough to be able to half rent and bills with her. She told me not to worry about money, and we'd work out some sort of arrangement. So all while I was in school, I cooked her meals and cleaned her house. I paid for all of out groceries with money I earned working seasonal and odd jobs that worked well with my school schedule. Back then our economy allowed me to stretch a dollar so that we had a lot of food each week. The arrangement worked really well. Each week, I bought groceries. Every day I would cook 1-2 meals (including making sandwiches and heating soup for lunch and using found recipes for dinners). I made sure to thank her every now and then for allowing me to live with her, and that if she was ever ready for me to move back home with our parents to let me know. Of course, she told me not to worry.After I graduated college and got my job, I started to write her a check every month covering my half of rent and utilities. I continued buying groceries, cooking, and cleaning. I know money for her is tight right now because she made a career change and racked up some debt in the process. I love her and want to help her. I honestly wouldn't even need to be typing this....but her behavior toward me has made me...well...crazy. To the point that I'm actually looking at possible one bedroom apartments without her knowing.She started complaining about my "choices" for the food I buy. Age and her new job as a personal trainer has made her suddenly very health conscious. As we all know, healthy foods don't come cheap. She writes things on the grocery list that I seriously can't find in regular supermarkets. It's causing me to spend over half of what I pay her each month! And my grocery trips are becoming more and more frequent, and I hardly even get to eat most of what I buy because I'm at work while she is at home. I still have to cook dinner once I get home, and of course clean because all she does is take out the trash and start the dish washing machine! She may go so far as to actually wipe off the kitchen counter, but only if I've forced myself to leave it dirty for several days to see if she'll do it!It gets worse...now she's been making comments with a nasty tone. She expects me to cook everyday, and if I say "let's order take out" she says it's because "I just don't feel like cooking". Therefore, I end up paying the take out for two of us. She asks me "what's for dinner" every day at odd hours like 6pm one day and 9pm the next. She just blurts out that she's hungry, and we don't have food in the house (oddly I'm always able to wip up a salad or omlette for myself). If it's the weekend and I'm making myself something, she wants to know where hers is. She actually ordered me to make enough pancakes for her to eat too when she just got home from work and saw me making them! And to be sure I left her enough maple syrup! I've slowly been trying to talk to her about helping out some with the load of the groceries we need each week and she "has a hair appointment, and won't have money left after that". She's bought tickets for events she wants to go to. She's bought new outfits. But never seems to have enough money for eggs and milk.You are probably laughing about now...but it gets worse. My sister is vain. And she is self-centered. Every day she tells me about her day (while looking at her reflection in the mirror over my shoulder), but she never asks about mine. When I go to tell her something happening in my life, she interrupts me with more of her stuff...and I never get to finish my story. I wanted to talk to her about a guy I started dating, and she went into her bathroom and turned on the hair dryer. I listen to her all the time! I admit I zone out after an hour of one sided talking from her because it seriously never ends, but I don't interrupt her. I actually tried the walking away from her thing like she does to me so she can see how it feels, but she follows me from room to room. I can't escape!The other night we were watching a tv show we like to watch together...what she calls "sistertime". The main character was in a dilemma because his best friend needing to stay with him while going through a divorce. At first, he was annoyed. Then this best friend was cooking for him and cleaning his house. When a real estate agent leaves a message that there's an apartment available for his friend, the guy doesn't pass on the message. I asked my sister "why did he do that? I thought he was annoyed with his friend living with him?" she said to me "because he now has food in his fridge and a clean house!". This gave me insight as to how my sister sees me. I'm the best friend that puts food in her fridge and cleans her house! Yay me (I say sarcastically).She was talking about how we need to repaint the living room. Then she said she wished we could get a bigger place. Then she said she wished we could get a house. Notice how I used "we" in all of those sentences. She really thinks we are going to keep living together if we ever move??? She's in her 40's! I'm in my 30's! Noooo...I am NOT living with her for the rest of my life! The only reason I'm still living with her now is because I know she can't pay the bills by herself. If I moved out, I would strand her. I do love her afterall she is my sister. And I feel like I owe her something for allowing me to live with her while I was in college. But I'll never get married if I keep living with her. I know she's given up, but I still have hope that I'll meet my husband. It messes up my relationships living with her. oh yea...I'm not allowed to have company over while she is home. If I want to invite someone over even when she's not home, I still have to have her permission. And whoever I have over (whether friend or date), they have to leave before she gets home. And I pay half the rent! I alone am buying us our food! And I have to put up with this rule!So....now that you have the details of our sister/roomie relationship. How do I talk to her??? I have to live with her for now...so how do I keep things peaceful in the meantime? And how do I tell her I'm ready to move out once I've got a new place lined up?
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at work, best friend, cheap, debt, divorce, money, moved in, moved out, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 May 2014):
 You aren't the most horrible sister on the planet...mine is lol. No really your sister owes you not the other way around so look over the bills split them down the middle (just the ones you are accountable for only) and make your plans to move ASAP. You will find your relationship with your sister will actually improve as soon as you aren't living together.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2014):
 You haven't done anything that Karma wants to hunt you down for, honey.
It's just time for YOU to have a life.
IF you stay you are going to be like a couple if spinsters straight out of a Jane Austen novel. Living and bickering til you two are old and grey.
SHE needs to stand on her own two feet as well. IT is time.
OF COURSE she is resisting change. SHE had it like the YOLK in an egg, with you as the primary breadwinner and full time Dobby. Now, TAKE your sock and set yourself free.
Good for you for talking to her. I can't imagine it was easy. But do you really see any other option where you don't end up resenting her 24/7 ? Where you don't end up embittered?
Chin up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:
Thank you all for your responses.
My sister and I had a talk tonight. It wasn't the planned talk I was hoping to have with her with all the right things to say.
Over the past couple of weeks, I had been trying to come up with the right approach and especially the timing. The timing just never seemed right, probably because I am a huge coward when it comes to telling my sister something is bothering me about living with her.
Meanwhile, both of us had started to notice part of the dining room floor was looking weirdly damaged. It was bubbling up like it had water underneath it.
She went to grab a tarp from the utility to lay out back for sunbathing today, and noticed that the water heater was leaking water all over the place. Upon further investigation, it was causing the water damage to the floor inside the dining room.
So we called someone to come take a look at it to fix it. Since my sister is a home owner and not a renter, we are responsible for replacing the water heater.
I had planned on helping by paying half of the $500...
It was just when the guy asked for a deposit of $400 upfront to purchase the new water heater and the way my sister was looking at me as though I needed to jump up and get my checkbook that really got to me! And then when she asked in front of him "And you'll help with this, right?" I wanted to scream at her "You could at least say please!!!"
I know her checking account is negative over $200. I know she's been playing the credit card shuffle for the past few years now. I know if I pay this repair man $400 that my sister is NOT good for it to pay me back.
So I needed to talk to her asap. I pay her $520 each month for rent and utilities. Last month I spent over $350 in groceries for the two of us. I even bought food especially for her that I didn't even eat. She hasn't been to a grocery store since I moved in with her in 2007. I buy toilet paper, detergents, cleaning supplies, trash bags.
I buy dog food, cat food, kitty litter, clean up hairballs, pay half of the vet check ups and emergency visits, share walking duties, share feeding them. I even brush their teeth and file their nails because the vet says they need it done, and my sister won't do it.
I cook, clean the house, clean up after her. (Because she will leave her dirty plates on the table, and one time our dog ate raisins off her plate. I had to pay half of that emergency vet bill.)
I put up with the comments she makes that hurt my feelings about not buying "the right kind", but I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace.
All of this came out tonight. We both sat down, and I explained all of this to her.
I told her my plans of moving out. I told her how it was so hard to tell her because she is my sister and I know how hard her financial situation is right now. And I've helped. I helped A LOT! And I've been waiting for her to be okay. I need her to be okay, because I don't want to feel guilty for leaving. I don't want to be a bad sister. But I feel Like all I'm doing is enabling. So I need her to realize that I'll be moving out, and she needs to be prepared for that.
She didn't take it well.
I feel like the most horrible sister on the planet. I feel like I'm still not doing enough to help her. I'm being awful for saying all of these things to her. I'm not giving her enough money. I owe her.
I told her I want us to sit down and go over all of the bills that I'm responsible for half of. I want to split it down the middle to the cent. And I want us to each buy our own food.
She is freaking out.
I think it's because she knows I've been paying way more than my share. When we sit down to go over the bills, it's going to be clear why she kept the costs a secret from me. And now she's going to have to actually be fair in what she charges me.
I know she doesn't divide bills evenly because I got a good look at the phone bill for our family plan. She's been over charging so she can afford her smartphone + an additional phone line that isn't even active that she is holding onto so she can get an ipad.
I hope that by telling her my feelings and what I need to change will help take the edge off during the remainder of my time living with her.
I need to get some things in order first, but I hope to be moved out by August.
I just pray karma doesn't screw me over once I finally get out of here!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2014):
 "Dear sister, after a great deal of soul searching and thought, I have realized that it is time I strike out on my own. I know this will be a change for both of us but I know we will both survive the changes and will always be sisters.
"I'm planning to move out in 3 months, that will give you some time to decide whether to get a roommate or find another place."
Then get on with what you have to do and let her deal with what she needs to do by herself.
The Cinderella analogy came to my mind too, as it did for Honeypie. You are not Cinderella and you are in charge of your own life. Now take the steps you know you need to in order to progress in your life.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2014):
Give her 3 months notice & find a small place you can afford on your own.
I think living together was a GOOD idea for the two of you when you both NEEDED a room-mate, but you two also need to have your own lives.
It kind of sounds like she still sees you as a child, she sets the rules and you just have to follow them and pay up.
You are not Cinderella and she is NOT your stepsister, so time to move out and be your own person. And I think that will benefit HER as well, because she will realize that she NEEDS to do things for herself.
Time to jump out of the nest, little bird. You already know you can fly!
She might be mad that you want to move out, she can always find a room mate. She might resent it, but I DO think she will get over it, EVENTUALLY. If you stay I don't think YOU will.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 April 2014):
Yep just tell her you are getting your own place, she's your sister, she'll get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Just tell her straight, 3 months notice and you'll be looking for a new place. A smaller place for one, and you will find it cheaper and more relaxing not having to cook everytime you finish work. You really need to get out now!!before you have a serious bust up. You owe your sibling nothing and it's stupid too be living together putting up with this rubbish. Just because she is your sister you don't have to live in each others pockets. How would it work if you get a boyfriend and she starts walking around the flat in undies and sitting on the sofa with you two trying to have some fun, it can't work and is doomed to fail, get out asap and let big sister take care of her self and buy her own groceries and cook them. More fool you.
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