A
female
age
51-59,
*lskitten
writes:Have asked a similar question some time ago, but wondered if there were anymore new mothers in similar situations out there.My 26 yr old brother is hooked on cocaine. Our mum keeps hold of his bank card so that when his benefits go in she can take him shopping, because otherwise he would spend it all and literally starve. Last night her and her boyfriend picked him up from the pub to take him shopping, a dealer turned up to collect some money off him, my mum decided to follow my brother out there and proceed to have a go at him, calling him the scum of the earth and to stop selling him drugs etc etc. My brother manhandled her away telling him she was a mad alcoholic aunty! While i can see why she did it, i guess any mother would if someone is supplying their son with junk, I dont think she should of for safety reasons! Apart from the fact dealers are ten a penny and its not like he couldn't find another anyway. He shoved me and said 'why did you ****** send her out for!' I said i didnt! she just went! I told him he's just lost another sister now.Anyway, he came and apologised after and then went round to mums after and apologised saying he's an addict! Mum has now told him he needs to go to rehab or he is on his own. This has been going on yrs and is just getting worse. She has given his card back, and i know she is going to worry like mad now, because he will stop eating again. She joined a support group for families a few weeks ago, and she's done real good doing what they say, in not giving him money, but making sure he has food and electric on his metre. If it wasn't for her he would of lost his housing assoc flat, she makes sure 5 pounds a week he has to pay towards the rent is paid. They threatened eviction when arrears built up a while back, if it wasn't for her it would be gone. Our mum doesn't smoke or drink even and is a very clean living woman, as is her fiance. Is anyone going through a tough time with their offspring and drugs? Anyone hooked on coke? Or were, and if so, how did you stop it. What can we do now to help him in the long run? We are at the end of our tethers, and i'm sure that because we care so much about him, we will end up in a loony bin before we dissown him! And thats worrying to be quite frank. My 40 yr old sister lives an hour away and wont have anything to do with him, she said to me on the phone last night she can understand our mum putting up with it all, but not me. But me and my bro have always been close and he never does it in front of me, which is why i know he can control it to a certain extent! But i told him last night myself that i wont put up with much more either. Theres no way he is going to start blaming me for things that are caused by him! He said he doesn't know why he blamed me for sending her out, he was just mad! But its becoming a nightmare on a grand scale now all this.xxx
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 July 2008):
hlskitten is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Dr Pete,
Yes it might have to come to that i think. I already wont be listening to any chat about drugs from him from now on and people he owes money to etc, i'm just not interested, the way he tells mum about stuff now, as if its normal, is just getting silly. Even she noticed that. I agree about the food, electic etc, it doesn't make sence to make their life as easy as possible so they can carry on doing what they want knwing someone else will pick up the mess as you go along. She wont be putting electric on his metre anymore though or taking him shopping as she handed him his bank card back and told him thats it now, he needs to sort that out himself. But she is still in denial i think, last night on the phone she said if only her fiance hadn't bought her a drink in the pub while she took him in the shop because otherwise they would of gone home by the time this dealer turned up. I said mum you're missing the point, it still all comes back to Adam, its not Gerrys (her fiances) fault! And she says she knows why my brother manhandled her, because he was worried for her safety and wanted to get her away from the dealer. Yes thats probably very true, but it still shouldn't be going on in the first place should it! But anyway, i hope this support group helps her see it from all angles.
xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): I have known a lot of people who have taken cocaine over the last decade or so, maybe a dozen or so where it became temporarily habit forming and one, perhaps two, who became dependant on it and really had to loose everything before coming through the other side.
I think people in your brothers situation either sort themselves out with age, they wake up one day and realise that the world has moved on without them, or they need something traumatic to happen to them to cause them to stop and take a look at themselves in a mirror.
These events usually happen when something profound happens, it can be from loosing your relationship or job, loosing the support of your friends and family, becoming homeless, the death of a significant person in their life (that was unconsciously an unknown factor in their dependence) or even the near death of their own life.
I personally am not sure if it is such a good thing to be ensuring your brother has electricity as you are sustaining him for his basic needs and that is all he needs to persist in his life style. But then again perhaps the support group knows best, I am not sure.
The thing with addiction is there is no evidence to say one way to deal with it is right over others, but rather it is a complex situation that is usually made up of very different things. You give the opportunities to the addict to help them find their way, but usually it has to come down to them figuring it out for themselves.
Depending on how long he has been addicted, maybe it is better to say you will have nothing to do with him either, until he becomes clean. That seems to me, to be a real incentive that one day he will genuinely take seriously and work towards.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 July 2008):
hlskitten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Emilyanswers.
Was a few months ago i asked, the turnover of visitors is quite a lot in that time on here, and ive spent a fair bit of time giving peple opinions, so thought i would maybe ask for some in return. Was worth a try.
Yes probably will be going with mum, i think its only parents there, but i dont see why sisters shouldn't be able to go.
xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 July 2008):
To be honest I don't think you are going to get much new advice if you have asked about this before. It sounds like you are getting lots in the real world too.
I think what you need more than anything is someone to talk to and you mention your mum is going to a support group, so why not go along with her.
Good Luck!! xx
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