A
female
age
51-59,
*NS
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years and I just got married 3 weeks ago. This is our second marriage for both of us. He has been single 10 years and I 5.In the last year, he has started ogling other women often when we are out. What I define as ogling:He and I in a restaurant at a table for 2: He looksat the lady sitting next to us every 30-45 seconds, both her face and breasts. This went on the entire evening. I have never had a man do this to me so I was shocked and unsure of what to say. I felt sick to my stomache. He asked me what was wrong and I said I didn't feel so good. I then said I wanted to go home. I carefully watched him to see whether he could leave without one final glance. He of course couldn't.Shopping in the mall: a lady made eye contact with him across the counter from us. I noticed her staring at him. I looked at him to see if he was weirded out by her or was responsive. He was looking back. She soon came over and stood next to us. I was again in shock. She walked away. He watched her for 5 minutes as she walked away with brief glances at me to see if I was watching. I was but was interupted with paying for my wedding jewelery at this counter. I was crushed and got very upset in the car. I explained to him that this is unacceptable and disrespectful to me.50th party last weekend now just 3 weeks after our wedding: at the party he was watching this lady all night. He looked at her every 60 seconds or so. He would be in conversation with a group and turn his head. I'm not watching/stalking him to see what he is doing. I've always tried to look at the person speaking while engaged in conversation. When the speaker turns their head several times while speaking to look another direction, it makes you turn your head to see what they are distracted so much by. It was her...over and over and over.When I ask him why he does this, he calls me "jealous" and denies he's doing it. This is not jealousy. This is his inappropriate behavior. I've responded you can look once, twice but 30 to 45 times is not okay. That is openly inviting someone to come meet you. What happens when she glances back and smiles? Now what happens? Do they exchange phone numbers? They don't just walk away and call it a game. We are incredibly in love and he regularly tells me that I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him. His first wife was an alcoholic and drug addict. His other girlfriends cheated on him. I am very loyal and confident. I am not a jealous person. I'm in shock that he even is doing this as we have a beautiful relationship. We have a blast together. Why is he doing this? And why now at the bud of our marriage? This is supposed to be the best time of all. I am absolutely crushed. My heart is broken. In today's world, it is so hard to find a loyal and honest person. I am completely loyal to him and would never do this to him.
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female
reader, AuntKimmy +, writes (19 May 2015):
A female:I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's very painful, isn't it? I completely understand what you are going through. I spent a very disappointing honeymoon watching my husband lust after other women. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I can tell, because you are in so much pain, that you have and will seek out a lot of advice about this issueI have tried very hard to manage this painful situation in my own marriage. I have tried to harden my heart and convince myself that I don't care. Didn't work. I have tried to shame him out of it. Doesn't work. I have tried to engage in fantasies about other men so that I can detach myself from him emotionally. Didn't work. We have done counseling. Didn't work. I have tried to make him jealous by dressing provocatively so that men look at me the way he looks at other women. Didn't work. Here is where I am now with it: I don't leave the house with my husband. Sounds extreme, I know...and it IS, but this is an extreme problem. No water parks, no bars, no festivals, not even Walmart grocery shopping. He can't handle it. His mouth drops open and he stares and cannot remember I am with him. I'm done. I hate being angry with him. I hate the way it feels to have conflict with him. In my house, I compete with no one. We eat dinner, play cards, watch tv (which sometimes makes him run to the bathroom to look up nude photos of women on television), and sleep. If I need to leave the house I do it without him. I'm done dealing with it. The only other option is to leave him and I don't want to do that. I am almost 50 years old. I would have thought this nonsense would be over at this age, but it's not ever going to be over. He will be drooling over other women when he is 80. I know this because I take care of his 80-something year old father who watches porn when I'm in his house caring for him! Don't burn a hole in your stomach over this. Remove yourself from the pain, whatever you have to do. It will ruin your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): It is still happening though less often. I hammered on him the other night. I will not put up with this again. If it happens again, I will get up and leave. First I will approach the woman and tell her he's very interested then I will walk outside and leave. No more will need to be said. He still flat out denies it. I told him next time, I'm getting another person involved. When we both clearly identify it, it will be the final act. I am a great catch and have no problems finding a partner. Even though he's not acted on it, I'm not waiting around for him to understand the beautiful lady, inside and out, he has. He will be very sorry and his family will make him feel it also. Never take your spouse for granted. It's never okay. Treat others like you want them to treat you. It's very respected to see couples who are not "looking" and are confident in their relationship. That is what I want and will have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Hi. The first thing to undertand is that there is NOTHING 'wrong' with you in his eyes. He isnt staring because he is unhappy with you. Setting him up to be 'called out' isnt a good idea. Thats not going to help. It will embarrass him and would be a self serving act to make you feel you are right and he is wrong. But it wont be helpful. He KNOWS he is looking at women, he just doesnt realise how much or how intently he is doing it. Hes a Beta male. Research Alpha and Beta males and you will understand and actually be able to help him overcome the habit.
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A
female
reader, SNS +, writes (26 January 2011):
SNS is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are meeting tonight to talk. He has no idea why I am quiet this week. I've discussed this multiple times and he cannot or will not admit to doing it. I really think I need to ask a party standing there to observe his behavior. They can call him on it. He can then see that it is not jealousy or insecurity. I have never had jealousy or insecurity problems. I dress very nice and had men ogling me at the same party. I am a professional and love my husband. I ignore the stares and expect him to do the same. He was initiating however which really makes me ill. Do I talk about the issue tonight or arrange for an outing and have someone call him on it and bust him within the group?? He is definately doing it. I am tired of him blaming me for his poor behavior. We are not legally married yet as the wedding was in Mexico. We are both professionals and have very healthy lifestyles with eating and exercising regularly. That is not the issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): typical male answer: men and women are just different and women just don't understand. it's just a part of who we are and we can't help it.
total justification and excuse for doing something inappropriate and hurtful. anyone can choose to control their actions and desires. it may not be easy, but it's definitely doable. it's all just a lack of self-control. don't get me wrong, i don't expect people to be more than human when it comes to looking and finding other people attractive. it's only human nature to see and acknowledge attractive people, but give me a break! 30-45 times repeatedly?? that sounds almost like a psychological disorder to some extent. i would be enraged if i were speaking to my husband and he kept looking the other direction at another woman's breasts instead of at my face. not to mention those women probably think he's extremely creepy and it also makes you look like a joke. you're the woman with the man who can't stop himself from staring at every other woman in the place. i would be embarassed.
if i were you i would put his *** in his place. don't let anyone disrespect you like that.
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A
female
reader, Manya +, writes (26 January 2011):
His behavior is really weird, looking at all these other women when he's in love with you, and you with him, and you've just gotten married! Perhaps he should see some kind of psychologist or something - really! Perhaps someone besides you could point out his poor behavior to him, a member of his family like a brother who could make him see? It sounds like he is very insensitive to your feelings! You are very loyal. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you looked at other men.
These other women must be very uncomfortable that a married man with his wife there is looking at them that way. It makes your husband seem like a jerk! Sorry to say this. I think he is unware and rude, and you deserve to be treated far better.
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A
female
reader, Sabrena  +, writes (26 January 2011):
this is totally up to you, and it can be quiet risky, but i think you should test him. iIf there is a friend or someone who you know, who he doesn't know, make sure they are trustable. Then get her to meet him accidently, so organise a date with him to meet him somewhere. Then send that friend of yours, call him when she sees he's there. And you can say, ''sorry i cant make it, i cant find my keys, grab us some dessert. I don't know, make somthing up. She can ask him a question, after you hang up, maybe say "excuse me, is this such and such restaurant?" and When he says yes, she can say thanks, smile, and leave if he follows and asks 'why?' as she is leaving she can say she just got stood down, by a blind date, and if he offers her a drink or something, or what ever, you will know she won't call. If he leaves her alone she can call you straight away, so if you don't hear frm her, then turn up and apologise. And that you made it now, and get him to introduce that lady, if he leaves her alone.Maybe he is an honest person and maybe you can try to start dressing up more or something like that, so he can look at you and no one else.Its up to you. It's a bit risky, and might not be as easy as i write, but it's just a suggestion.good luck sweetie.
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