A
female
age
30-35,
*oris_Muneca
writes:Hi, my boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and believe me when I say that I do love him with all of my heart there is no one else that I would rather be with but my problem is,I know that there is someone else that he would rather be with, but that person is no longer with us, she pasted away last June. They were happily married for 9 years and had 2 beautiful children together and I can't stand the thought that I know I will always come second to her. I think it has alot to do with the fact that he didn't really give himself time to grieve before he threw himself into another relationship, he rushed things. Now i'm having doubts of whether he is truly with me because he loves me, or because he is afraid of being alone, but he tells me that he does loves me and that there is no one else he would rather be with and that he can't live without me. I'm always good to him and to his kids I treat them as if they were my own, I feed them, bathe them, take them to school. We live together so were basically a family, but I feel that he will never truly love me, the way that I wish he would. I guess what my question is, will he ever stop living in all the beautiful memories he had with his wife and start living a beautiful life with me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Doris_Muneca +, writes (2 September 2012):
Doris_Muneca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to be there for him, I try to, but when we actually talk about her and how he feels and what he is going through, it just hurts to see how much love he has for her b/c I feel that if he feels that much love her then how is it possible for him to love and that's what makes me have my doubts that he loves me, maybe it's not love, maybe he just doesn't want to grieve alone, and I make things so much easier for him with the kids, he doesn't have to do n/e thing but just provide us w/what we need and want. Idk what to do... What are ways that I can be there for him as a friend but also make things better on my behalf?
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 September 2012):
 It's not even been a year yet, your right, he's probably still grieving. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's sad his past life has gone, but he's also trying to move on. You want to rush this bereavement process because it's hurting you and making you feel insecure. But that's not possible. People deal with sadness and loss in different ways and it's not something they can just "get over". He saw that woman every day for 9 years... would you like someone to forget you in a couple of months? What if it were your mother or father you had to bury, would you forget about them, would you stop living, or would you be sad for a while, think about them all the time, then go on and find the happiness they'd want for you.What I suggest is you have a talk with him. Try to be sympathetic and listen to what he feels inside. Try to be a friend. Then, if he's ready, suggest ways in which TOGETHER you can respect Valerie's memory, but help him let her go and rest. Not many people would be happy about their children and partner living so close to the dead.Maybe pack up most of the stuff. Leave a couple of pictures in the children's room and allow him to carry a small picture of her in his wallet, alongside a picture of you.Loved one's left behind can feel guilty for living. Find ways to shrink her hold on his life, but in such a sensitive way that you become his rock and support to go on living and thrive. Yes, it hurts to love someone in this position... and if it's too difficult for you, you may have to take a break and come back when he is stronger.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (2 September 2012):
 He needs to let go, but if he doesn't do that soon, then you may be suffering from this situation for a long while. My best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Doris_Muneca +, writes (2 September 2012):
Doris_Muneca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have discussed that all of belongings including her clothes and shoes, EVERYTHING, goes to Valarie, which is the oldest and the only girl so that's why he wants to Dave everything. But everytime I put something away, bit by bit, like mainly her photos, when he realizes that it's not there he tells me let's wait to take pictures down until we get pictures of or own up,I know that's just an excuse. There was once he was talking to his mother n law over the phone infront of me and I overheard him tell her that he was still absolutely crazy inlove w/her, and it really did hurt to hear that but I also felt jealousy, I thought it was inappropriate for him to say that infront of me.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (31 August 2012):
You wrote, "So basically this is never going to change, nothing is ever going to get better?"
Well I think it will get better, but will likely require a lot of patience on your part.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 August 2012):
 ok until he is ready to get rid of her personal things, he's not ready..
I helped my dad pack up my mom's stuff... the next month (only 3 months later) he met the woman he is still with. My mom died in 1995.....
BTW we were grown so it was not like dad tried to keep mom alive for her small children who may not remember her. MY kids do not remember my mother and that makes me very sad...
keeping PICTURES of her is one thing..
talking about her especially with their children is fine IMO and important as well..
BUT her things should be out of the dresser... her personal things either boxed up for her minor children for later or given away....
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A
female
reader, Doris_Muneca +, writes (31 August 2012):
Doris_Muneca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo basically this is never going to change, nothing is ever going to get better?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (31 August 2012):
Well I still talk about my ex-wife and that ended 16 years ago. Some things in life can simply not be erased.
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A
female
reader, Doris_Muneca +, writes (30 August 2012):
Doris_Muneca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok but he still has her pictures up all over the house, and her clothes are still in the dressers and alot of her belongings are still laying around the house, sometimes I feel like she is still here and were sneaking around her back, I just really don't feel comfortable sometimes.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (30 August 2012):
Well I think you should probably be somewhat tolerant, but I understand your concern. It takes a good while to get over loss of a spouse.
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A
female
reader, Doris_Muneca +, writes (29 August 2012):
Doris_Muneca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSometimes I feel that i'm wrong for getting jealous and mad when he talks about her, I mean at first when we first started dating it didn't really bother me but because I figured that within time he would eventually not talk about her any more, but he always wants to talk about her. Should I be more understanding?
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 August 2012):
There is nothing in this world that he can do to bring back his former wife, so he must move on. It depends on the person whether he can do that. You cannot erase the memories, but life must go on.
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