A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:I need help soooo bad, and don't know what to do. About 3 1/2 years ago, my husband passed away from a tragic accident and left me with three kids. I dated a little afterwards, but never found anyone worth while. I stumbled upon an old friend from high school I graduated with 20 years ago. I figured Id say hi, with no intentions of getting together, just as friends. We went out a few times, and he was so nice and sweet that I feel for him quick and hard. Now, my friends know him, and know that he is a great guy, so there was no issues of me thinking that he wants sex, because he never tried anything. Anyway, he works a LOT. He is very career driven and he has like 3 jobs (volunteers as an EMS/Firefighter and works in a hospital and goes to school as well), so he has NO time to date really. I only see him if I am lucky about once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks! He texts me all day everyday. So I know he is into me. So that is ok. This is my issue, I saw him last night, we had sex and everything was wonderful, until I thought Id ask him where we stand. At this point, I know him for 2 months. I need to know if he is seeing anyone else because there are a lot of diseases out there that I don't want. Anyway, I forgot to mention that he was also in the army most of his life and he told me last night that after school, he wants to go to Germany and work in a hospital there for 4 years. That would be his career. I asked him, don't you want to get married and have kids one day, I mean you are 37??? He said yes, but said that he is more career driven and I would guess that marriage is probably after that. So, I finally open up my heart to this guy, and now I hear this. I don't think I can wait 4 years for someone. I want a relationship and see that person all the time. But I fell in love with him. What do I do? I am sooooo sad, and don't want to leave him-yet.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 February 2012):
 It definitely sounds like he was straight with you. Sadly, your life's goals aren't a match.
I think you need to make a decision, and the sooner the better. You've only invested two months into this relationship and you know that it is going to be at least 4 years before he'll want to even consider settling down (which explains why at 37 he isn't married). Do you really want to invest 4 years of your life waiting for something that might happen? Imagine the emotional pain you would feel if after 4 years it didn't happen, or he delayed it further? Also, imagine the impact it would have on your children who would obviously get close to this man as time went by.
There are plenty of single men who have their act together that are dying to meet and potentially settle down with a woman like you. They will be able to devote more time to you and make YOU and your children a priority in your life. Why would settle for something less? And worse, why would you be happy with it?
I think you already know the answer but the pain and fear of being "alone" is making the decision tougher than it ought to be. Your head knows the answer, but your heart isn't quite there yet.
Also, you are sleeping together (despite not having a real formal commitment, and despite your fears of him having a disease / sleeping with others) which only compounds the closeness that you share.
Ultimately the decision is yours. I hope you take stock of where you want to be and where you think he will want to be. He might be a good friend for now, but emotionally, he may not be worth the investment.
Best wishes and good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): It doesn't sound like you are in an exclusive relationship with him as it stands so it's way jumping the gun to consider waiting almost half a decade for him. If he can't agree to not see other people and call you his girlfriend while he's having sex with you at this point, there is no happy future..only a lot of heartache for you in the near term.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2012):
 ugh asking where you stand right after sex is a bad move... for a man or a woman... not the right time to ask.as for not wanting to get married...I never wanted to marry again I've done it a few times and I can't come up with a reason to do it again...the man I'm with was 37 when we started going out and he swore up and down right and left that marriage was a crock he was never getting married there was no need, he didn't believe in marriage... guess who's getting married.... right.. we are... this year... it's nuts but when it's right it's right...I personally think that 4 years with as little time into this relationship as you have is a long time to wait.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Many guys who get girls to put out for them also develop a "phobia" about marriage and committment. "Sounds" to me like your man-friend has that phobia.....You can wait .... FOREVER, if you wish.... but I would cheerfully take a wager that you'll still be waiting in 5, 6, 7 or more years.....Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (8 February 2012):
 You are only 2 months invested in this relationship. I would be more worried if he was trying to tie the knot after a few months rather than the answers he gave you.
He seems to be a really good guy. The only advise I have is to give the relationship some time. Set a time in your head (1-2 years) where a lifelong decision must be made (marriage). And if that time passes, you have to be willing to let him go. ( If that timeline (1-2 years) is not to your liking, maybe you should move on now.
I was married previously, and promised I would never marry again. I met my current wife months after my divorce, and let her know that I was not the marrying type. Two years later we were happily married. So, plans can change (and I so happen to be in the Army too).
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Sounds like your on different pages in life, thats all, both of you can be the nicest people on earth,get on, etc but if he wants one thing and you want another - well time to go your seperate ways
Its sad for you, especially with your situation, you deserve happiness. I would focus on the children and yourself, hopefully you will meet another man one day and find what you seek
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (8 February 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh one more thing, he said he is not leaving until after school is over in a year and a half. Do I wait still? He is so worth it to wait.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 It's hard to tell after 4 years if his heart is finally ready to settle down. You only went out with him a few times, so you can't really tell who he is because there might be things he hasn't told you. So you shouldn't feel like you should settle with him either. I doubt that he or even you, would want to remain celibate for 4 years for the sake of keeping this new formed but uncertain relationship. He could be a great guy for not pushing for sex, for being hard working, but he may not be THE great guy for you if he would put you and your family second to his career. It would be hard to believe that after all that travelling and working, one day he decides to work 9-5, be a great dad, and cuddle with you in the evening, a sudden change after 4 years. For the right woman he could but you shouldn't count on that. That 4 years could turn into 8 years. He is waiting for a patient, understanding woman but what has he got that other great available men don't?
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