A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing someone that I quite like but his behaviour is also beginning to worry me.This might seem an odd thing to bring up but, whenever we are out and he starts to feel really happy with me, or happy in himself, he becomes kind of 'over-confident' with the people who are serving us food, or the shop assistants etc. It's a bit like an over-excited child, when he is a forty year old man, and It has started to really get on my nerves. It might be difficult to imagine but, it's like someone flicks a switch and he goes in to a mode that is highly geared towards drawing attention to himself. He becomes over-familiar with the staff and turns on the charm. I'm not at all against making conversation with people, but the way he does it really is beginning to get on my nerves. it is like he is out with them, and not with me. And, bizarrely, almost as if I become the staff and they are his guests. Or that I am just forgotten about in terms of normal etiquette and how to behave with a partner.A couple of examples: we had been for a lovely walk and were very happy, then decided to try to get a coffee somewhere - there were lots of cafes nearby and, we said we'd see what the first one was like - it was the kind where tables and chairs are outside as well as inside so very easy to leave if you deciced not to get coffee there after all and there were loads of other places. It was my birthday and I said it would be nice to share a cake - I can't eat a lot of sugar and he knows I have to be very careful about anything like cakes etc - so he enthusiastically agreed. Often, when we go into shops, he will kind of bound ahead of me and becomes really over-excited and I am left trailing behind, whereas right up until that point we were walking together. So, of course, this happened, he immediately starts chatting, loudly enough to draw attention to himself, to the two girls behind the counter and I meanwhile quickly look at what cakes they have, realising that they don't have any nice ones. He is already ordering coffees with them, even though I've not said what I want or even if I want to stay in the place. He then turns to me, they are all smiling and laughing, and they both turn to me as well, and he is saying very loudly 'so what cake do you want?" I have to quietly tell him that I don't want any of the cakes there and can we go somewhere else. And I feel like I am the 'spoiler', once again. This might sound like a tiny thing but it has honestly happened so very many times that it is beginning to drive me nuts. He seems to always somehow separate himself off immediately that we are in a place and he always manages to make me the centre of attention in a very bad way. So that when this happens in small ways, I am beginning to have enough of it. Another time we were in a restaurant, sitting in a fairly small to medium place but which was packed solid, with everyone sitting. We got up to leave and he suddenly disappeared. I literally had no idea where he had gone and was left standing several paces away from our table, with everyone int he restaurant looking at me and feeling too awkward to go back and sit down and just not knowing what to do. Because this has already happened - or similar things where, for example, the chef and he have gone to look at the kitchen or god knows what - I mean it really could be anything with him - I decided to just go and wait outside. Then he eventually came out, all smiles and with no idea that I felt extremely awkward having to leave the restaurant alone and say goodbye to the waiters etc alone, and said he had just gone to the toilet. I said to him 'it would have been nice if you could have just said so, because I was left standing in the middle of the restaurant with the whole room looking at me.' He really didn't get it.Another example - we went on a holiday and it was with other people - some people with kids, some alone, some couples, none of whom had ever met before, just one of those group things. The thing is he did what he always does but really, really extremely, which was to 'flirt' with everyone - I don't mean sexual, just very charming behaviour - male or female to draw attention to himself. Honestly you can see these people thinking, 'what a great guy' and they are immediately drawn to him. He seems to have no concept whatsoever of the idea that he is in a couple - I mean literally his personality goes into this other performance mode and it's like he feels a compulsion to get attention for himself from anyone. I'm not in any way anti-social, and people really do usually like me for myself, but with this guy and because he is SO overly social, I am starting to find that people then position me as the anti-social one or the one with no real character. It's just not true at all, but I have to either make a choice of behaving similarly to him or just put up with his behaviour and stay on the sidelines. I tend to just relatively quietly get on with people, don't go out of my way to draw attention to myself and just take it as it comes - and often people really do like me a lot...but when I'm with him, it's like my natural way of doing things can't come into play at all because he wants ALL the attention to himself.last week we were in a small, very local cafe/restaurant in my neighbourhood. The owner is a very nice, humble man. We were having a really nice time, laughing a lot and so on. But the thing is, when this happens it is like he gets over-excited, almost like a child, and he starts his "I have to attract others to me" thing. He started this 'flirting' with the male owner. At this stage all other customers had left the place and he said to him, really loudly, almost shouting right across the restaurant "So, when everyone goes do you guys turn the music up and have a party?" The owner looked a bit confused but smiled and responded...I could tell this wasn't quite the response he wanted and that he would have continued to 'flirt' to bond with the owner had I not said, "okay let's go". Again, I know it seems really picky but to me this just isn't the way that a gentlemanly, mature man would behave unless you had known the place/person for much longer. It's often deliberately geared to ignore social boundaries and it's just not gentlemanly, more like a teenager. He becomes very loud and HAS to be the centre of attention. And the happier we are the more he does it. He never seems to think that a woman may simply not like to be around this attention being brought to him/to them. These are only a very few examples out of hundreds. At first I wondered if it was him flirting with women, but it's also with everyone he meets. Very often he will get drunk and say that he wants to stay out longer and will let me go home alone, which really upsets me after we've had what I thought was a lovely night out together. I know it would be easy to say, "oh he is just warm and friendly' but he is also a binge drinker and can turn very nasty behind the scenes, after the 'party is over'. It's like he needs to have a sense of power over people through charming them and, when he is drunk and we go home and he 'loses' this power, he then turns nasty in order to have a different sense of power over me. I don't like where it is headed and have started to blame myself for this. I can definitely 'step up' and 'perform' as well, socially and when I have to. It's not that I can't do this. But I just don't naturally like to draw attention in this way, I want to just have normal boundaries and to feel that, when I'm out with someone, we are considerate of one another and look out for one another in small ways, first and before other people. Another thing is that he so often is extremely unkempt in his appearance, like he just cannot get his act together. His flat is EXTREMELY messy and quite dirty. He seems to get so over-excited that he literally cannot speak in clear sentences a lot of the time. He is totally disorganised with money. BUT he is known for being a drinker but a very friendly and generous guy. Am I so wrong to want someone to treat me like the half of a couple when we go out and to just be a little 'team of two' first and foremost? I don't mean being anti-social to others, just that other couples seem to have this sense of 'two together' and to naturally keep gravitating back to one another, whereas with him he has a sense of one, and me on the fringes...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): This is the OP - goodness, what an eye- opener this has all been. Incredibly helpful, thank you so much everyone. So Very Confused, thank you for getting back to me about the self-medicating. Although I'm honestly not clear if AtSweet1 is saying that I'm making this up/competing with him...the post just insn't clear??? How am I competing with him ???? And why on earth would I make this up???So, I have on my hands... A narcissistic, histrionic, self-medicating ADHD, binge-drinker. I guess I'm just wondering if I have any duty to tell him my thoughts on this or just leave him to figure it out himself...I don't think he ever will...although I don't think he'd believe me either. But I certainly don't think I'll be taking the relationship further after what everyone's said! Thanks again!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 self medicating is when a person who has a disorder such as depression or ADHD is not under professional care for their disorder and is not receiving proper treatment for it so they use other means to ATTEMPT to soothe their symptoms.
It's NOT a positive thing.
It's NOT a healthy thing.
here is a wiki entry on it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-medication
for lots of links on it just google "self Medicating"
folks that are self-medicating do not often realize they have a problem. they NEED to
a. detox from their self medicating... rehab is often needed.
b. need to accept they have a disorder than requires intervention by a medical professional
c. seek the help they need.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 From Merriam- Webster dictionary : LUSH ( noun ) : a person who is often drunk ; a habitual heavy drinker.
Origin of the word unknown, first known use 1790.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): I too dated someone like this. He has since been diagnosed with Histrionic personality disorder.
Something felt off about the whole thing. He too got excited and became a different person in public etc etc.
I was not happy to constantly walk on egg shells so I left him.
I've never looked back! I only realise now how I was living in a dark cloud while I was with him. Now I am freer and happier.
You do what's best for you.
You feel something's wrong so leave the situation.
You're better off being alone than being mistreated and being stressed like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): So Very Confused, this is the original poster. Could you possibly say a little more about why he would 'self medicate'? I believe you, and I didn't intially click that ADHD and Hyperacticity are the same thing - but I can't quite understand how alcohol would be 'medication'...do you mean it would literally help him to control his symptoms somehow?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2014):
he is a self medicaiting (with alcohol) adult with ADHD. it was called Hyperactivity back when we were all kids...
if he has a drinking problem and he is aggressive when he is drinking, as the wife of an active alcoholic who can be an angry drunk I advise you to never ever live with this man. I would if you can, end the relationship. Alcoholics who are NOT in recovery are not worth the pain.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (24 January 2014):
 My brother - of 47 yo - has the same problem. He was like that as a child, he is still like that now. Over-excited when in front of strangers, and mostly in front of pretty girls. He becomes another himself speaking loudly, joking a lot and so on.Result of my "analysis": that's what we call NARCISSISM and nothing more.The good news: it's very frequent, and make me think of pigeons making their love-dance as to being able to jump on a femal-pigeon's back.The bad news: as long as your boyfriend won't ever seen himself like he is, and won't consider that sort of behaviour like a problem, it CAN'T be solved at all. And be sure it will be far worse with time, as he will need more than ever to attract attention on him in spite of his growing age.Courage !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): It's the 1st anon female poster back againI was originally going to open my first post by asking "You're not going out with my ex are you?" but I thought that might be a bit facaetious. Now I can tell it's definitely NOT the same guy because my ex didn't display the same signs of problem drinking leading to verbally agressive behaviour. He never called me names or picked fights with me. If he had done the relationship would never even have lasted six months - I could put up with being ignored and constantly de-prioritised for a while but agressive behaviour is shit that I would never put up with. I agree with Cindy (presuming that a "lush" is a problem drinker - I don't think I've heard the term before)I know it's really horrible to leave a relationship (especially at our age when there aren't all that many more fish left in the sea) and I was really devastated when mine came to end but the emotional highs and lows of the relationship were even worse. It became quite clear to me that the dynamics of the relationship were not going to change so he had to goI suggest you do the same as well...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): I know he was diagnosed with Hyperactivity when he was a kid. It's actually this same flirtatious behaviour that I originally thought was wonderful and so much fun - I completely get why some people would love this, because I started to. But as well as what A Female Reader Anonymous said about having a boyfriend like this who is effectively EVERYONE'S boyfriend except yours, the problem I suppose really is the downside, which is the aggression bordering on violence and the sulking moods of two day hangovers where he can't move. I don't think I've stressed strongly enough how bad this already gets and it scares me. He's done things like woken me up from my sleep, deliberately, by pushing me around in the bed aggressively and calling me names and trying to pick a fight with me when drunk. And often, on the way home from a night out when he's drunk far, far much more than me or anyone else, he literally 'switches' the other way, from charming to aggressive, really nasty and trying to pick a fight with me. You would honestly have to SEE this to believe it, and a big part of me is frightened that people either don't or they don't want to - they seem to turn a blind eye to this because they so much want to make a hero out of him, or so much want to believe that this wonderful charming man is ONLY ever good. It's all just a bit too weird for me - I know how I've described it it probably sounds a lot of fun, but it's about 65% worry and upset and 35% really good fun. I'm already blaming myself and it really worries me how quickly others - women in particular - seem to want to say to me 'he's normal'...surely this isn't 'normal'?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2014):
He sounds a lot like me. I'm outgoing and I chat up everyone... just like this. I flirt with men, women, children, even dogs... It's how I am.
I asked my husband once if it bothers him that I flirt so much and he said "you flirt like you breathe to ask you to stop flirting is like asking you to stop breathing" thankfully my hubby does not mind.
FWIW, I have ADHD and I was diagnosed with it originally in 1969 so a NEARLY 40 year old man would have probably been picked up as ADD back as a child.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (23 January 2014):
 It seems you are competing with him thats when it becomes a problem. I agree with the comment of when cowsattack he is normal basic personality cant be change. I doubt your being truthful of his drinking and actions but you want to see what other people think. Sounds like myself I was role reversed with my ex in everyway down to my army work job kids rehab its like he has to show me up. It done got to the point where I cant stand him. To me be yourself opposites attract for a reason. I did nothing wrong but I was trying to get my life thats all and network dont hate motivate. Some people in the relationship want you miserable and down and out with them thats when you lose yourself in there hate or insecurity. If you are not social all the time okay if you are ok. I had a partner of this perauasion it appears he would do stuff to on purpose embarrass our family and I would have to her it from bosses coworkers not private friends. He said he was jealous its true. I would be nice to him bring him around treat him with upmost respect duh especially if Im flirty and nice to everyone else. Im personable. He wants me to suffer no friends no job no life nothing unless he controlling or outdoing me when it was his time to shine at owl the last I remeber was riding that coat tail. People always said he was doing that his actions around the board show that but I thought he truly cared about me it was fake phony. So I didnt want to ride his tail coat so he let my supervisor Thompson. He she turned on me I never maid no one lose there job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): CindyCares, your response has 'hit the spot' exactly, and I am now absolutely convinced that this is what is going on here. It would also make sense that A Female Anonymous is also right, that he has a narcissistic personality disorder - I can see how the two things could combine. Thank you so much for these posts, they make so much sense. WhenCowsAttack - I'm not interested in changing anyone's personality, that's not why I wrote in. I just wanted to understand why he is like this and what to do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 January 2014):
The final part of your post offers a key into his behaviour.
It's quite simple, actually : he's a big lush.
If he has not developped a full blown alcohol addiction yet, he may be well on his way to develop one.
Hyperactive Dopamine Response is well known in cases of prolonged ,excessive alcohol intake- alcohol abuse, in short. It does something to your neural paths and it affects your reaction to dopamine and other " feel good " brain chemicals - when these people feel good, they feel TOO good and become overexcited, loud , showy and all the things that you mention.
Curiously ( or at least, curiously for a layman ) it is also, at the same time, the other way around : people who show naturally an enhanced dopamine response, with hyperactivity etc., seem to be at much higher risk of developing chronic alcoholism. I guess the scientists ( haven't decided yet if the chicken or the egg was born first.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 January 2014):
I'll be honest here, he sounds like a lot of fun to me! But I enjoy that sort of personality. It sounds to me like you two just aren't a good match- after all, what are you going to tell him? "I wish you'd quit having so much damned fun when we go out"?
You can't change his basic personality, nor yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): When I first started reading your post I will admit to thinking "what is this woman's problem?" The first example you gave just appeared to be somewhat excitable behaviour - a little inconsiderate maybe but not dreadfully unusual for avery extroverted personBut as I read on I realised that I had a boyfriend like this once and his behaviour initially irritated me and then began to completely confuse me and ultimately made me feel worthless and unloved. In a group, he would pay everybody else far more attention than me and he always put his needs and his enjoyment first. Silly me, I put up with it for 6 whole monthsBut back to your problem.....Is he bi-polar? Or does he suffer from ADHD or Asperger's(both of which at his age would probably never have been diagnosed)? Certainly sounds possibleAlso read up about Narcissistic and Histrionic personality disorders. I'm not saying that your boyfriend HAS a personality disorder or that he's a nutcase or anything but he displays definite narcissistic and histrionic traits in his personality and these directly influence his behaviour.The problems with personality traits is that they are very firmly entrenched in a person from a very early age and can only be changed with great effort from the person who has them and only if that person WANTS to change (not because other people want them to). Unfortunately, people with strong narcissistic and histrionic traits often DON'T want to change because they don't see that they have a problem - it's everyone who has the problem.I think you need to think very hard about what you want from a relationship and how much (shit) you are prepared to put up with and if you can't put up with him the way he is, then it's time to end the relationship. I couldn't put up with it anymore even though my ex was never actually agressive or abusive (even when drunk). If it's not ADHD or Aspergers and he doesn't feel he should take any steps to change or meet your needs better then I, personally, encourage you to leave.
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