A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry I'm not very good at explaining stuff. I'll do the bast I can:My boyfriend has a 6 year old son and they have been the only real family eachother have had since the kid was born. My boyfriend's parents have never really been in his life and the kid's never known his mother (boyfriend has full custody). I love my boyfriend more than anything or anyone.I've always wanted to find that "special someone" and be the number one person in his life like I knew he would be in mine. I never imagined that I'd fall in love with someone who already had a number one.I hate myself for feeling this way: I love my boyfriend's kid, but I get jealous of him sometimes when my boyfriend does something that makes me remember that he thinks of his son first, even before me.i.e. I watched my boyfriend's son one day while my bf was at work. I was excited when he came home and went out to greet him- wanted a kiss, a hug, ask him how his day went... it kinda hurt that he went straight to go cuddle with his son on his bed. They cuddled and talked for a while about how eachother's days went while I sat there feeling akward... I remember when we first started dating, I would accidentally answer questions my boyfriend asked when I thought he was being nice to me (actually was more focused on his son). I'm more used to it sometimes but still occasionally get hurt by it...I know my boyfriend loves me, but I also know his son will always be his first priority and it hurts whenever I think about it. I just want to be the number one person in my future husband's life and I know I'll probably never get that.I guess I'm just looking for people who've gone through similar situations and advice on how they handled it. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to share advice
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Hey, i have just recently had a son of my own. Been with my girlfriend now for 4 years. Love her to death and id do anything for her, she was my number one priority for all the time iv been with her. I never thought for a second that it could change. Even when my son was born i didnt think that he would take over the role of coming first.
So i guess its natural to feel like you do, because as i said before my little man was born i felt exactly like you do. But yeah when you have a baby, hold him/her for the first time and bond with them in the coming months, they are completely dependant on you as a parent, you get used to that and attached to that. You run to them when they cry and start putting them first. Because the fact is they need to be put first.
So your boyfriend has had years of this. And its just a huge part of his normal life now. Im sorry but this is only something that you will truely understand when you one day have a baby of your own. When you hold it in your hands and wouldnt let go of him under any circumstances. Because you reliese that little life is so special and dependant on you.
You have to accept that you come second, it really is something that should not upset you or make you jelious. You have to understand that its natural and you would do the same one day when you have your own little baby to run too after youve been away from him all day.
Why should you trust what im saying? Because i know my girlfriend would push me off a cliff to save my babys life. And im ok with that, in fact id want that. And i know that my parents would have done the same to save my life. And always put me first.
I hope that helps you. You can write back if u want and i can reply again :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Well, I can't see what he is doing is wrong in any ways. He is ALL his son's got. That's basically it. He is trying to be the best parent he can be. Be both mom & dad for his son. I have to take my "hat" of for that.
Personally, I would NEVER date a guy with a child at your age. It's JUST a lot harder then dating can be. One of my best friends was a single dad at 19. And he was a super-dad too. His son definitely came first and everyone else came second. Thankfully he DID have some amazing parents, so he was able to get "out" too. But I always felt bad for his GF's because he would drop plans with no second thought over his son.
Maybe as lovely as he is, he isn't for you?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 October 2012):
When a dad is so focused on their child they routinely cast you aside like you're not even there, I don't get why the hell they even bother with getting into a relationship. Being good for your child and giving that child the attention he deserves does not mean being entirely, exclusively focused on them.
If your bf and his ex had stayed together he could not have devoted all his time to the kid either; part of that would go to her. Sure, you're not the boy's mom, but you're in his life so you should at least be acknowledged.
Try to talk it over with your bf. You don't have to be number one, but appreciation would be nice.
But honestly, if this persists you really need to ask yourself if you're prepared to be the third wheel for the rest of this relationship. Your boyfriend's behavior almost seems to suggest he things what's between you is temporary and that he doesn't need to include you in his life with his son anyway.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 October 2012):
 I think you need to feel secure and special, not necessarily number one.
Analogies help me so here's one for you: Imagine you and a friend won the jackpot in separate lotteries. You won $5,000,000.00 and she won $10,000,000.00. Would you be disappointed by the disparity and focus on how much more she can afford, or would you be so ecstatic about winning such a large sum that you'd be focussed on all the things you could do?
Now apply that to your situation. If you knew that your position was secure and you were special, you probably wouldn't care about being number one.
You're right that your boyfriend's son (being as young as he is) is important, but don't beat yourself up about how you feel. People who become involved with those who have kids are routinely reminded that they knew what they were signing up for, but that is only half true. Parents aren't totally prepared until they become parents so how can someone who has no children be any more prepared when becoming involved with one?
And consider what position his mother would occupy in their lives were she in the picture. If you're both planning on setting up a home together, you'll be expected to contribute to the family and sacrifice for his son as if he were your own. So don't settle for being number three.
I have been in your shoes and because it was important to me that my first child be my future husband's first child as well, I knew that any single fathers I dated would be around for the short term only. I had zero interest in having to work just as hard and sacrifice just as much only to occupy the bottom tier on the totem pole or deal with any of the other headaches I read about involving exes and former in laws.
If I were single today, would I date a man with children? Adult or nearly adult children yes, but only because I've already raised my own, I don't plan to give birth to any more and I wouldn't be expected to invest the same time or energy raising his.
I don't know if that helps you, but that was my experience and my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): The first thing I want to say is that you don't seem selfish. Everyone gets jealous and everyone does want to be number one in their lover's life. You haven't expressed any resentment or bitterness (if anything, just a small dose), which is good. That means you should be able to cleanly express yourself to your boyfriend without coming off as a rude victim, so to speak.
Talk to your boyfriend, spend more time with his son, and see how it goes. Chances are, he will not put his son second (you are his girlfriend; if you were his wife, it might be different). If you can't bear knowing that, it's better to move on to a man who doesn't have, dare I say, baggage.
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