A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone,I am hoping I reach someone who has some actual knowledge in relationships. I am just unsure of what to do. I have been married for 9 years come November (2012), and my wife is no longer in love with me because I destroyed her trust. This happened 1 year ago on sept 24, but it was not the act itself, but the act was the final straw. I had been asked to stop drinking and I just didn't listen. Only after that final act did i realize what impact I had (I haven't had a drink for more than a year now). Ive been with her ever since, and slowly but surely things have come back to normal, except for one thing. Her intimacy, and no I don't mean sex, we have that periodically (apparently when she either feels she owes me one, or she is just feeling physical, so, 4 times a year). That last time I drank, we had a big fight when I sobered up, and she told me to leave. I chose to stay. With that, she told me never to expect her to love me again. But over time, things seem to have come back to normal, except romance. She is dry as clothes out of a dryer. I don't know how to approach the situation. I feel so bad for the way I have crushed her in the past with my drinking, but I love her so much and didn't understand until it was too late what I did (by the way, I have no interest, or show interest in drinking anymore) how can I get her to trust me again, and love me again. Any romantic idea I have she says makes her feel uncomfortable, and sometimes I feel like she is correct in that she will never truly love me again. She tells me "of course I love you, its been 9 years" but she says she just can't bring herself to being "in love" with me. Is there still hope in my relationship? By the way, as I said, its like everything has come back but i still feel like arms length when it comes to her and me romantically. For example, we smile and laugh and joke, we hang out, go on trips together, she periodically snuggles to me watching a movie, but its like she's a spooked deer, the moment I return the favor, or write her a poem, she acts like I've gone too far. She tells me its like I try to force something that isn't there. How do I react to this? We have two little girls together, we both work (together in the same office) and she's my best friend, and i'm hers (she readily admits).
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 HI
I would just continue to do what your doing, when the time is right she will rememeber all the reasons why she fell in love with you in the first place. But you will have to get yourself a hobbie, i;e gym, golf,extra tuition. something that will benefit you , yet make her start to miss you when your gone. Brilliant that you have stayed away from the drink , and keep it up. I used to drink quite heavily myself untill one day I said some horrible things that I couldn't take back, that was the day I grew up and stopped drinking for good. She will come round you just have to be patient. Dont try anything on, keep a distance yourself for a bit, and when she asks whats wrong, just say you are respecting her wishes and not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. If after doing this for a couple of months she still don't want to try, then I would have to admit defeat and move out for a while for some real space apart. hope you manage to work things out .
Mandy x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): The only advice I can truly offer is this. You have two options. You can either go to counseling or file for.divorce. If the two of you are willing, see if you two can salvage the marriage. If not it's best to leave. I mean why stay somewhere where there is no love. Your children can and will pick up on it. Its better to have two happy and healthy parents even if they are separated. Talk to your wife about the counseling. Hopefully you can work it out. If not I suggest you may be heading to divorce court. Best of luck
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