A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im struggling with my feelings toward my boyfriend of a little over a year. I feel we only see each other once a week at best, and its a dull patern of food, tv/movies, sex, sleep. I feel he doesn't listen to me talk and that we aren't really connecting on an emotional level. When im with him, he wants sex and Im not interested, I don't want to do it. Sometimes I just get it over with, but once or twice I have said no which he gets upset and a little grumpy about. He always makes me be on top, I get little back.I don't know how to mend this. I used to love being with him, but now I just feel like he's a grotty, sloppy lover. I recently spent the night at his house and his room was un vacuumed (as in, most likely never done) covered in trash, dirty dishes, broken dishes, unwashed clothes, dead roaches... he has no proper sheets on the bed, just an old donna cover he's using as a base sheet... I don't like staying at his place. I've tried to communicate by helping him clean, hinting at the vacuuming etc... but he just makes out I'm a neat freak. I have my own studio which I take pride in and keep nice, I know he resents this about me. He's 24. He isn't easy for money, but spends plenty on take out so he could certainly afford some bedding.i enjoy our time together out with friends etc. he's a great guy with good points but I dread time alone or going to his house because I don't want to be intimate with him.What do I do? I care for him, and want to fix the relationship but I don't know I can change this...
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female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (15 May 2015):
Dear OP,
I feel that you are settling for a relationship with a guy that doesn't really appreciate you and who you are not really compatible with. Intimacy should be the goal of the relationship, not something that you are afraid or annoyed of.
Look, you can't change him directly. But you can start to treat yourself with respect. Accept only to do things that you like. Say no to unpleasant things. Love yourself enough to spend your time in a way you enjoy.
You'll find out automatically if this man is able to adapt to the real you with your real opinion and taste, or if the relationship is doomed.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2015):
 Eww, He sounds like a total slob!
Which may be "normal" for many guys this age, specially all those momma-boys out there who NEVER did dishes or cleaned at home because mom took care of ALL the chores, so when they are out on their own.. they live in filth. GROSS. I have NEVER dated a guy who was nasty like that. I would find that a complete turn off, but mind you I have a fear of germs and dirt. No WONDER you are not in the mood for sex!
Don't go to his place any more. Tell him, honey bunches your place is nasty and it's a HUGE turn off for me, I feel like it's as "sexy" as the city dump. If you want o see me, why don't we go out on a date and stay at my place?
Going out on dates doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg. It's getting to be string, plenty of cool hiking/biking paths, parks, museums etc. that are fairly cheap to do.
Don't clean his place. YOU are NOT his mom or is maid.
As for the sex, DO NOT have CRAPPY sex to placate him. IF you get NOTHING out of getting on top TELL him. You are teaching him to be a crappy selfish lover all the while you get mediocre sex! Don't settle for that!
If he can't ACCEPT that... I'd question how serious he is about you and the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 May 2015):
He is acting his age, he enjoys being carefree and slack about his place. Just make the decision to not go over to his place. You can date someone without going to their place.
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