A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry that this is pretty long! Hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but she’s driving me crazy!I kind of feel like this may be too soon to address this issue in the relationship, since we have only been dating for a short while (9 more days until we hit 2 months).But since it is the Holiday season we have spent a lot of time at his Mother's house. We spent the week here during Thanksgiving Break and we have now spent a week here for the start of Christmas break.Here is a little back story:My boyfriend’s mom and dad are separated. They have been separated for well over 4 years now. He lives in a whole different state now, but occasionally visits. They are separated because he cheated on her, yet they have not finished the divorce papers.So my boyfriend and his mother have been pretty much alone here for several years.On top of this, his mother is also almost completely blind. She got an infection in her eye that gave her "White Blindness." She keeps going to the doctor in hopes that it can be reversed.My boyfriend was in a 2 year long relationship with another girl, they broke up in March. But his mom always tells me how "she would never let him talk to me, she told him 'it's either me or her.'"I don't want to be like his ex...but I can totally see why she did it! His mother is CONTROLLING his life!My boyfriend just graduated undergrad college last Friday, I am currently working on my Masters and won't graduate until next December. However I have a job opportunity in my degree field that may move me 5 hours away if I get it.He is currently in the process of applying to jobs.She wants him to only apply around here and live at home, she keeps handing him applications. I told him, "Apply wherever you want."Today at dinner he mentioned that he was told he would have a job once he graduated, at the place he interned at in the state his dad lives. He said he didn't think he'd want to do that because he didn't enjoy living with his dad. I said "what about getting your own place?"His mom shot that idea down faster that I could get it out. She said "I'm not moving to Arkansas." I said..."Maybe he would enjoy it if he got his OWN place." He said, "No, not there."I said "well, I am going to move wherever my job takes me." In which she responded with, "and I can move with you all, maybe not in the same house but nearby!" My boyfriend just kind of awkwardly giggled at this.NO!She needs to let him go, let him be his own person. Just because he is going to grow up, get a job and move away, doesn't mean he can't have a decent relationship with her still. I personally go home maybe three times a year but I still call my mom every day!If I get that job I had thought of seeing if he could find a job around me, (though for now I want him to get a job wherever he pleases, honestly). However, I don't think she would like that idea very much!On top of this ordeal, we have had Christmas plans with two sides of my family for weeks now. My brother's family on the 23rd and my Sisters on the 24th. My boyfriend’s mom said that he needs to be with her on Christmas, so we will be here for Christmas on the 25th. Mind you that this is a ton of driving! I had hoped to do her Christmas before we left for my Brothers, but that plan was canceled.When he is away at school she has her groceries delivered and people come and pick her up to take her to all of her doctor’s appointments. Well now that he is “free” in her mind, my boyfriend is having to do all of this for her. During his time in college he only had one summer job because she had him running so many errands all the time that he was kept constantly busy.I am also very active in my Campus Religious Community, and I am going on a Mission Trip Jan 4-9th that I invited my boyfriend to join me on. Keep in mind that his mom knew all about this!His mom keeps making appointments for herself and him on days that we have already told her we are doing things. My boyfriend has seasonal allergies so he has had a cough since before we met, it comes and goes. She made an appointment for him to get it checked out on the day of my Brother’s Christmas.She then decided he needed his yearly dentist appointment on Jan. 8th, and got in an argument with him when he told her he would be in North Carolina that day on the Mission Trip.I asked her if we could figure out a different day for the doctor’s appointment and she responded with, “Which is more important, Christmas or his health?” If she acts that way, why is it so important that he has to be here on Christmas day when you really don’t have any plans? Yes his health is important, but that’s not the point here.She has also made traveling and other plans very difficult because even though we told her we are going to do something, she plans other things on those days. My boyfriend loves Lighthouses but has never seen one, so I was planning on taking him to see one over break, as a gift…well she ruined that plan too by having to go to this place and help out called teachers warehouse – which is wonderful and all…but its every Tuesday! It’s not just this one time deal. She can go other days, or ask her friends who go.Another thing…My boyfriend use to have really curly hair, but it has tamed down over the years. It is no longer curly but he still never combs it. I gave him a comb for graduation that said “for those job interviews!” His mom freaked out when she heard I did that, she wants his curls to come back (he doesn’t) and is afraid that if he combs it then they won’t…but he can’t go to a job interview with messy hair! Last night he got out of the shower and she cornered him, he told her not to but she did it anyways, and started to massage his head. Saying that “this will help the curls come back! You dry your hair wrong, you need to tousle it.”And now finally…she makes me very self-conscious. She has not so subtly told me I was fat and that I eat out too much. On top of that I can’t use the restroom at her house because she teases me every time I do! Their house is small, and they have no bathroom spray. It wasn’t even that bad and I took precautions, flushed multiple times, used the fan and kept the door closed. But she makes remarks in front of my boyfriend like, “wow, that made my eyes water.” Or “Man, you’d give his father a running for in the bathroom.” I have gotten so embarrassed from these remarks that today I wanted until we went into town and used a public restroom! I’ve had to go since yesterday!So, I am not sure what to do about his mom. I really like him, and she is nice when she is not doing all of this stuff. I really want a future with my boyfriend and I want a good relationship with his family, but she is driving me crazy already. I don’t want to be selfish and I defiantly don’t want to cut him off from her like his ex did. But he really needs to live his own life!I feel like it may be too soon to talk about this in our relationship, but I am afraid that if it is not addressed now, that it will be even harder to address in the future. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): I think two months into a relationship is too way early to be dealing with all of these issues which tells me you're diving into this and getting way too attached too early, planning a future and so on. His mother is blind and she was abandoned by her husband so I think she must have a lot of fears. He is not going to totally abandon his mother and he shouldn't imo, but he should gain more independence even if he doesn't move far away. He is definitely a momma's boy but that isn't always a terrible thing unless it will end up ruining your relationship which it could depending on the severity. She is not a tactful person but maybe you can find a polite way to let her know it is rude to comment on things like the bathroom issues and weight. You can carry your own spray or use drops in the toilet before using the toilet. He should be making his own doctor's appointments and travel plans. He needs to be the one to put a stop to that and clearly, as a momma's boy he isn't going to, so maybe you could start doing it for him instead, which seems to be what you are trying to do. You have only known him two months and you expect him to spend holidays with two of your relatives but not at all with his mother, who is obviously his closest relative? That is unreasonable and overbearing imo.I dated and lived with a momma's boy and his mother. We all loved each other and got along really well, his mom loved me.She was a classy lady and easy to get along with. Although as with every family there were problems in the past in the family, his sisters were very overbearing when he was young and he grew up as a late child in a female dominated family. We would probably be married now if he hadn't gone crazy. I really miss that time in my life, it was a happy time. This isn't a happy time for you obviously, so if you want to stay with him and have a future you will have to work this out somehow and get along with his mother, get him to be more independent and not lose your sanity. I think taking a step back is a good idea for now.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 December 2014):
 I agree she is no monster in law. She had been abandoned by his dad so he does not want his son to ever suffer from bad girlfriends. She was testing your character but didn't know she came off as petty and challenging, all because she was too cautious.
It's too early to be talking about long term plans and act like her daughter in law already. Maybe you don't even know if you love each other yet. I also believe you haven't developped sympathy for her yet, since how she sometimes acted repulsed you. I imagine as a woman almost blind, she really needs a family member close by to her and she has no one else but his son. So her son knows fully well about this. It's not all about him being a mama's boy.
If I were you I would talk to her about how she behaves can influence whether the three of you would have a good relationship. She has to understand her part in making her son, and other people in her life move away from her.
I am not too clear on the bathroom issue. I don't think it's a sanitary issue. Her son uses it every day and usually girls are cleaner than guys. I am sure he stinks up the bathroom too, who doesn't? And that's how she talks to him. She talks to you the same way so she has no filters. Maybe that's a sign that she does not really see you as an outsider but and she did not say it to upset you. I just wouldn't go number two there.
Many parents actually call their children fat. Especially asian families. The fact that she said that could also mean she looks at you as a daughter, since she is so lonely.
She is just a blunt person and reveals everything on her mind. I am looking at a different side here. Not everyone behaves in a decent, civil manner but it takes a dedicated person to understand them, where they are coming from.
Of course I can be wrong but you have plenty of time to get to know your boyfriend and his mom better. She has a great fear of people leaving her but she needs to realize her overbearing ways can be a self fulfilling prophecy.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 December 2014):
It is too soon in the relationship to address the family issues. Further more, you should not be spending so much time in his mother's place. Going out is fine but you really do not need to stay over at his place. And if staying over is the only option then you can slow down and take a break until he gets his job and independence.
You can not do anything about his mother. He has to be the one to deal with those issues. Yes, she is controlling his life but he is allowing her to do so. Even though it may seem like she is attacking you, all of the problems have very little to do with you. If she had things her way, her son would not have any woman in his life at all.
These are the reasons a lot of women see a guy living at home with his mom as such a bad thing. It is extremely rare to have understanding parents and his mother clearly does not fit that shoe.
I am glad your goals and intentions are genuine, but what are his? Does he actually want to move out? How does he feel about his mother's controlling? I think you should talk to him about these things. If he is unsure about any of this, then things are moving too fast and a lot of it needs to slow down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am 26 he is 23He is actually not like that when away from his mom. At school he barely calls her, and only came home for break this year. But that actually caused an argument between them last night she got upset with him because he barely came home or called.In which I said directly to her face, "children grow up."I just really hope it doesn't come down to what you say, I really like him. He is the sweetest guy I have ever been with.He just never tells her no, or when he does he still gives in. Even if he hates what is going on.It was kind of scary today. I took his mom Christmas shopping so she could get something for him. We walked by some watches and I said "Oh!" to myself. And she asked, "what?" I said..."I know he really wants a pocket watch, but I plan to get him one in the future."She said, "oh, so you plan to stick around for awhile?"I said, "yes, I don't date just to date, I date for a future."And she sad..."well...I will say that I like you better than his ex."
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (20 December 2014):
 Read this book: "When He's Married to Mom" - Kenneth M Adams.I was in your situation with my husband. I picked up that there was something wrong on our first date, when I met him, but I really liked him. His mother was way too attached and dependent on him, at 28 years old, to a really disturbing degree. He was like a surrogate husband, even though she had her own husband. I mean he paid her mortgage, could not move from her house, could not have me over, and ran all her errands. He'd text her every time he was with me to let her know where he was, and if she seemed cold in her text back, he'd go home.Those first few months I read a ton about enmeshment between mothers and sons, starting with the book I mentioned above. I went into this relationship prepared for war. The next year and a half was absolute, sheer f*cking hell, for all of us, because of his mother. She realized I was not going away and started causing a lot of problems and drama. Several times my then-boyfriend turned on me because of her. He has called me the worst names imaginable; told me I was dead to him and cut me off for weeks; banned me from his house; threatened to call the police on me for trying to visit him; and almost backed out of our rental agreement a few days after moving in together. I put up with all of this, because I really liked him. I knew in order to end this, I had to destroy his mother's voice in his head. During all this hell I used what I'd learned in those books, and basically brainwashed him. I kept repeating, over and over, lessons about what it means to set boundaries and say no, about what self-respect is, about how to fight fairly, about how to live your life, what's acceptable from others, what's not, how much you really owe anyone, and how to know when a relationship is toxic, even if it's with your parent. I drilled these things in over time, until his mother lost her power over him. It also did not help her that I was able to call out all of her moves and explosions to him ahead of time. When he finally understood how predictable she was, that was it, he couldn't take her seriously anymore. The third thing that helped was he went to see their family therapist a few times (she knew the whole family) and when the therapist found out what my influence had been she just kept telling him to listen to me no matter what because I really knew what I was doing.It's been a rough ride, and we are not totally out of the woods yet. My husband no longer speaks to his mother after she disowned him, but he still helps her financially out of respect for the idea of a mother. But the hardest part, by far, is done, and it was well worth it - he was worth it. We now have a great relationship and I couldn't be happier.Anyway, I told you my story because you have to decide now, going in, if this guy and his mother are worth the trouble for you. You're only two months in and it's not too late to walk away without having lost much. I can tell you right now that if you choose to stay, you have a long fight ahead of you, and it's likely you will lose. These sons of clingy mothers almost always need therapy, and many of them never change. Without getting your boyfriend help, the best case scenario is a mother-in-law who always undermines you and a husband who leaves you on your honeymoon to go help his mother with a garage sale. Unless she's on your honeymoon too, which is also likely. Then you must consider what you are willing to tolerate while you help him; I went through a lot, and to be honest, it's hard to keep from remembering it sometimes. Lastly, you'd need to consider the damage done to your boyfriend from having such a relationship with his mother. Momma's-boys at face-value often make great lovers; they're usually devoted, loyal, and go above and beyond for the woman in their life. But they also tend to carry a deep fear or hatred of women because of their over-demanding mother, and that's a whole other bag of problems.Anyway, in summary, my advice is if you don't love this guy, let him go. If you'd go to hell and back for him, prepare to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): Well that is a lot of information. Are you planning to write like a laundry list of all the complaints you have? I think you'd be better off finding a theme and use these examples to back it up. I'm afraid all you've got as a 'theme' is that she annoys you. Lest the bathroom incident, which could be pawned off as 'harmless,' she hasn't really been offensive. She made appointments that overlap your plans but these appointments can very easily be rescheduled. So I don't see how that is so 'difficult?' She wants to live near her son and spend Christmas with him. He is her only family. If I was my parents only family I would want to be near them too. And if on top of that were handicapped, I too would want to help my parent in any way I can. I'm not trying to minimize your tribulation. But as long as she respects you and is kind to you, I think it's a good idea to not mention this just yet. I would give it some time. Just putting things in perspective for you.My ex boyfriend's mother was spawned from Satan. Somewhere deep in the scorching, fiery depths of Hell. She was evil incarnate. I used to stop in and visit my boyfriend at work whenever I was in downtown Boston. You know what she called that? 'Stalking.' One time she yelled at me because 'I was coming over too frequently' and told me to get lost as I was just using her son for his car anyway. You know what kind of car he had? A 30 year old Pinto. He might as well have had a horse and buggy. Even a wagon pulled by a donkey would've been a step up. He could've sold that car in exchange for a mountain bike at Wal mart it was so worthless. You could hear the car approaching from two miles away the muffler was so loud. It leaked carbon monoxide poison from the exhaust into the car so you'd have to leave the windows down even in 10 degree weather to prevent from passing out from the toxic fumes. It had no door handle so there was this 'trick' to get in the car. When I lost my job, she suggested he dump me as I was of no use. You should've seen the tension swelling up in that household over this one Sunday night dinner. When me and my boyfriend told her we were moving away together, the dastardly succubus's face got so tense, I was afraid she was going to grind her fangs off. She gave my boyfriend the death stare, it looked like her eyes were going to eat his face for dinner, the type Satan gives you when he's caught you redhanded doing a good deed. The message was transparent: don't you dare disobey your Satan mom! Well she got her wish, we eventually broke up. Honestly, you've got it good. You're character is not being trampled on and you are not being offended and antagonized to unforgivable levels. This woman is annoying and craves a lot of her son's company and attention but she respects you and is kind to you. That is worthy of merit. At some point, when you two live together, if it gets too intolerable, then bring up setting up boundaries. At this point, speak up if she is disrespecting you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 December 2014):
 Pardon me, but how old is your boyfriend? You're 26-29, so I guess he's the same age.
WHAT IS HE STILL DOING LIVING AT HOME?!?!
You walked into this voluntarily. He's a mommy's boy, and HE is the one who keeps her close, holds on to mommy's skirt and wont let go. HE. Not her. She just loves the attention he still gives her, how he will always put her first, and how he has no interest in growing a backbone and acting like an adult.
I mean what is he, 10? His mom still needs to arrange when he sees his dentist, and when he goes to see a doctor? He's a child! He's a small child. You're the one dating a baby boy. Don't blame the mom for taking care of him, when he's acting so helpless.
I get it. Some parents are overbearing and controlling. But this is why ADULTS tend to MOVE OUT as they grow old enough. Your little boy is still living at home, and happily so. Don't push this on the mother, she's only doing what she's doing because he ALLOWS IT.
I hope you grasp this. Because you can not do anything about the mom. Only he can. And obviously, he doesn't want things to change. I think you should cut this relationship short and just tell him you need a man and not a boy. Before you waste more time, and get more attached to this mommy's boy.
If he acted his age he'd live on his own, he'd tell her to respect you, he'd not need his mom to tell him when he should go to a doctor, he'd set up his OWN friggin doctors appointments and he'd be furious if she tried to baby him. But he loves it, doesn't he... hehe, I can picture it. You're sitting there getting more and more frustrated, and he's completely loving all her babying him and don't see the problem with it.
Listen, it's not the first relationship that has ended because of his clingy relationship to his mother. Take the story about his ex as a HUGE warning sign! That will be you, in just another few months. And then another girl will come along, also ignoring the warning signs, and she'll be on here posting about how the mother says two of his exes asked him to choose between his mother and themselves... And she too will not take the hint: he's already chosen her! There's no room for a girlfriend there, unless it's a girl who's content with never going to the bathroom in their house and never getting the relationship beyond the stage of "puppy love".
Good luck! If I was in your shoes I'd not end the relationship, because I wouldn't even have started dating this man as the writing is on the wall. But we all need to learn from experience, and this is just your first experience with the "mommy's boy". You'll learn the hard way, like the rest of us have. You'll probably continue until you get frustrated, develop insecurities and complexes, and are reduced as a human being with no value, before he eventually tells you his mom doesn't like you and ends it with you. Sorry for the negativity, but that's the only result I can envision here. This is a dead end. There are red flags everywhere. Get out now, while you still have your sanity.
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