A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a very uncomfortable, awkward, and disgusting situation and I just have no clue how to deal with it. I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and we've been living together for the last two. Me and his mother have never got along, but I don't see her much so it never really bothered me; and the times I do I always try to be nice to her.So she herself is a very broken woman. Did some drugs in her time, slept around with many men, she's never been a very good mother and my boyfriend admits that too.My boyfriend has three cousins; he doesn't keep in touch with them much anymore (they see each other once a year or so), but I've met them and they are lovely people. But since I can remember, my boyfriend's mother has always been REALLY AWKWARD in the way she tried to influence my boyfriend's relationship with one of his cousins. The cousin I'm referring to now, call her J., is a young pretty girl, a bit promiscuous though, she always changes her boyfriends, parties a lot and sleeps around a lot too. Now let me give me examples of what I mean when I make this crazy statement that 'my boyfriend's mother tries to hook him up with his own cousin'.1. Long before me and my boyfriend got together, his mother would arrange many 'meet ups' between my boyfriend and his cousin. Interestingly, she never thought of involving the other cousins, it was only ever J. These 'meet-ups' would involve sending my boyfriend and that cousin to restaurant for a meal (just the two of them), cinema (she'd pay for it all, too), or she'd arrange for them to go together for a picnic or something like that. 2. Now my boyfriend is with me, but his mother remains horrible about this whole thing. Whenever my boyfriend visits his family, she always says stuff like: 'Oh, you should meet up with J., she'd be all over you'. 'Oh, J. really wanted to see you, she talks about you all the time'. 'You and J. are so cute together' 'J. is a really beautiful girl, isn't she?' I mean, WWHAT?!?!! I am his girlfriend now, and she even dares to say this sort of things around me!! Plus I am not even going to start describing how DISGUSTING it is to try to hook your own son up with his own cousin!!But that family is totally messed up, my boyfriend's mother has lots of kids,all with different men, and her current boyfriend did have an affair with his own cousin and she was ok with it. Another thing that annoys me is that my boyfriend is oblivious to all this. I told him to be honest with me, and explain to me what is going on. And he is always like 'I don't have a clue, this means nothing to me, my mum is just weird'. I mean cmon...He is so weak with her, he would never put his foot down but this whole thing really hurts me.Oh, and interestingly enough, J. doesn't seem to have any interest in my boyfriend. They barely talk, as far as I know, and any interaction I witnessed between them was pretty empty and uneventful. So what is going on here?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Well since she's all talk, J is not around, and your boyfriend is not interested, I'm not sure why his MOTHER'S behavior bothers you so.
It's not threatening your relationship is it?
Personally if Honeypie is right and she does it because she knows it bugs you, play her game....
first--clue Boyfriend in on how you plan to cope with mom's statements. Once he understands how much what she says BOTHERS YOU (clearly you are bothered by it but no one else is) then you can decide how to diffuse MOM.
Then you proceed to "take the wind out of her sails" so to speak.
I'm betting you have a lousy poker face so she KNOWS it bugs you....
So instead of being upset... you tell boyfriend IN FRONT OF MOTHER.... "hey your mom is RIGHT... you should meet up with J and let her have her way with you.. it will be great for you! When she says J is really cute you say "she is why isn't [my boyfriend] with HER! they would make such a GREAT couple.
She won't even know what to say.
now if boyfriend and J have any type of communication, bring her in on it too. in fact, set it up so you boyfriend and J look (at least to mom) like you are a lovely threesome!
Once mom's stupid comments have no power to upset you, she should stop. If she does not stop, then you know that she's mentally unwell and you need to have pity on her.
If she does not, and boyfriend insists on being around his family, then it's up to you two to decide if you even want to go with him to see them. Personally, I would go if he insists on going.... and I would talk up J all the time to his mom... HOW pretty she is, how smart she is, how wonderful she is. Etc...
truth is, in this case however since Boyfriend is not in agreement with his mom, I think you are upset over NOTHING.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2013):
 My guess is that she KNOWS it makes you upset and mad and she gets her kicks from that.
As for the "eww" factor. I have to shrug a little, because if you go back in time (and not that far) you will find that marriage between cousins was VERY common. It was a way to keep land and titles in the families.
Have you ASKED your BF why he doesn't tell him mom to knock it off once and for all? How it makes you feel? If not, I would suggest you do so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): In the UK, relationships between first cousins are legal and they can marry. So while your partners mother is slightly odd, what she proposes is not illegal. She may have thought they made a cute couple and she has been trying in her way to be a match maker but as neither parties have any interest in that direction, you need not worry. It sounds as if your partners mother is just one of those people with annoying habits that you are not destined to ever get along with. Her son might take her comments in jest and not be so offended by them because she is his mother. While she might not have been a very good one, she is the only one he has, he will love her and be used to her ways, hence he is not as offended by her. If you dont like her comments then the best way to deal with her is to be straightforward and tell her the remarks offend you and ask her to cease trying to get her son and cousin together. Explain that if she cant refrain from mentioning them in your presence, then you will have no alternative but to remove yourself from any future meetings with her. Then it is up to her to either stop being such an antagonist or be avoided by you and left out of your future family occasions.
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