My boyfriends mother is too protective and manipulative!

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships

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Question - (30 November 2011)

5 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2011)

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey, aunts and uncles. I'm stuck and unsure of whether to feel upset or if i should try to be more understanding and compassionate in the current situation I am in with my boyfriend and his mother. Any opinions and advice are well appreciated! Thanks ahead of time. This is long but please know that I appreciate whoever takes the time to read it all!

I have posted before on a different facet of this issue, but now the plot has thickened and I'm a bit confused. To put it bluntly, I feel my boyfriend's mother is absolutely and entirely too overbearing and protective of him. I dont know how to handle it. He is 22. I'm nearing 21. We have been dating for nearly six months. I love him very much and care for him deeply. I think we're getting rather serious. His mother seems like a nice woman when I have met her and seen her. I never have had ill words with her or anything. I am always friendly, polite, and warm. She is the same with me. I've asked him what she thinks of me. He says she thinks I'm a nice and cool girl.

Truthfully, I haven't spent too much time with her. I've tried to suggest to my bf that we go to dinner together or something, but he never puts something together. He has an awkward living arrangement and tells me he is too embarrassed for me to come over. His mother is sick with diabetes and can't work. He is in school, working full-time, and caring for his mother. They both live in a small home with his grandmother and aunt. He doesn't have his own bedroom. He sleeps in the living room essentially. He has no privacy and of course doesn't want to hang out there. So I never go to his house. Like I said, I've asked him to do stuff with his mom in an effort to get to know her, but nothing comes of it. I dont push it. I feel he will do it when he is ready.

Through time, I've found out they don't have an awesome relationship. They don't eat meals together. They hardly talk or share details about their life. He tells me she has isolated him for years and he resents her for it. She never let him have friends as a child nor did she allow him to hang out with the few he had. He tells me she is incredibly controlling and he often wants nothing to do with her. This saddens me, as I have a wonderful relationship with my family and especially my mom. I too live at home and my mom is also diabetic. I care for her, but she isnt quite as sick as his mom. My mother is my best friend. I tell her almost everything and as a family we always share meals and time together. We thus have tons of love, trust, and respect for one another. Nevertheless, I try to encourage him to spend time with her and build trust and a relationship.

However, whether she knows it or not, his Mom is slapping me in the face and totally disrespecting her son and his relationship with me. At 22, he isn't allowed out past midnight. First, when we began dating, it was 11. Then it changed to 12 as he began to gripe to her and slowly defy her. For awhile, I've dealt with it and haven't said much, but lately it is getting worse and worse. She calls him when we are together once or twice. Keep in mind that we only see each other twice a week. Sometimes she calls and begs him to come home to get her dinner, despite two other able bodied people living in their house (granted she is ill, but she can still care for herself. She just has problems with driving at night because of her vision. He helps her there occasionally and takes her to all of her appointments even in the day time. So I feel it is manipulation.); other times she will just have bogus things to tell him like "I laid a towel in front of the door, just so you know when you come in. By the way, when are you coming home?"

I feel like she manipulates him. They share a car. My boyfriend maintains it and puts in it's gas. She uses it during the day without a problem. She goes to the grocery and wherever she needs. She usually takes him to work. He only uses it to drive to school two days a week and then to drive to my house two nights a week, which is 15 minutes away. She complains that the drive to my house is adding miles to her car and that he shouldn't go to my house. She also will say she needs the car that night, despite the fact that she had it ALL day or that she cant even drive it at night. If he argues, she threatens to take the car away. If he stays at my house too late, she threatens and occasionally does take it. There was a time where I picked him up at least ten to twelve times in a row because of her. He asked how it was fair to make me do all of the driving, adding double the miles to my car, and she said she didn't care. He is in the process of purchasing his own car. Naturally, her complaints have changed because of it. She now has began saying that his grandma doesn't like him coming in past midnight.

Now, enough background. Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was gone the week of Thanksgiving and in New York. My bf and I hadn't seen one another in over a week. He came over at 4:30; he seemed like something was bothering him but he wouldn't say. So I let it go. We had a few activities planned and then were going to dinner. We went to dinner at 6:30. As we sit down, he realizes he has a voicemail from his mom. He listens to it and then tells me to remind him to call her back after we leave. We arrive at my house around 8 after dinner. He calls her back and I left him in privacy to speak to her.

He walks into my house visibly upset, even my mother noticed. I ask him in private what is wrong and he tells me she is demanding he be home by ten because of the weather. It had been a rainy day and at nightfall the rain became a snow flurry. The roads were a bit wet, but nothing bad or unmanageable. He told her no way and she then demanded 12. He then told me that they had been fighting before he came over and that she was telling him that he is staying out too late and that she will take the car if he is even a minute late. Finally, I had had enough and I told him that as a sufficient adult he should defy her and demand trust and respect from her. He is 22, not 12 and should be treated accordingly. I said that it seemed to me like she just doesnt want to accept that he is growing up. He is an only child and she is a single parent, so I said it is probably hard for her to deal with, but she has to loosen the leash at some point. He listened to me and agreed. At 11, she called again, saying he better be on his way home. This sparked another conversation between us and he then began to cry. He told me he feels so torn because, while she upsets him and babies him, he feels guilty because she is sick and he doesn't want to worry her. His dad has MS and is in poor health. He told me he is afraid he doesn't have much time left with either of his parents and is just so worried about them, but that he can't take how his Mom behaves. He told me that he often just doesn't upset her or go against her because of his and her worries. He just doesn't know what to do. He sobbed for a good 30 minutes. I cried with him and listened. I tried my best to console him, but I honestly have no idea what to do or how to advise him.

I feel his mom uses her illness (my own diabetic mother has said to me that his mother seems to use it as leverage!) and the car to manipulate him, but at the same time I understand his feelings too. I just don't know what to do or what to say to him. Is she overbearing? Should we be more lenient with her or should he stand up to her regardless? How do i console him? Any advice is helpful. Thank you!

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A female reader, Abella +, writes (18 December 2011):

Yes you have a hellish situation and it is totally unacceptable. There is another overbearing manipulative boyfriend's Mom question currently receiving answers in DC so you might also like to check out the answers for this question, although the circumstances are slightly different.

But it is still another boyfriend's Mom out of control

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-stop-my-bfs-mom-making.html

He's 22 and you are 21. I think it is high time the two of your moved into together. And leave his Mom to reorganise her life without him

he has NO life at home at his Mom's home. Not even his own bedroom. This is so unfair. he is a MAN not a child.

At first encourage him to stay over at your home more often. And just as I gave this same advice in the question above I will repeat it, both of you TURN OFF YOUR PHONES when you are on a date. His Mom is far too Over Anxious and manipulative.

If he does not assert his own needs he will grow resentful and start to feel like a male version of Cinderella. The one who gets no respect, nor consideration and is expected to run every errand.

And yes your boyfriend also needs to make sure he is fully informed by the Doctors of both his father's MS and his mother's medical conditions. It is likely that both will become more in need of more and more care in the future and your boyfriend, being the responsible adult son of both, should be kept informed.

But his Mom has no right to ruin his right to happiness.

He is an adult. He does not need her "protection"??? nor her manipulation. She is not protecting her son, she is driving her son away and she is attempting to ruin his relationships with anyone who becomes significant to her son.

In a word his Mom is utterly SELFISH

Ask the Doctor what other specialists might be able to help - a social worker assigned to your Mom? A psychologist to visit and talk things over with her? A visit to a psychiatrist to get her priorities in perspective and examine how her behaviour could be modified?

Perhaps the Doctor could also consider if some anxiety medication would help his Mom? Because she is out of control and she cannot continue like this.

Your Boyfriend also needs to get some counselling to learn to stand up to his completely UNREASONABLE and MANIPULATIVE and OVERBEARING Mom.

She's not protecting him, she is trying to make life HELL for him to make her feel better. She is too SELFISH for words.