A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend says he's lost his lust for life. And I can see a serious lack of motivation and drive but because Ive only been in the picture for two years I dont know for sure if this is a recent thing or if he has always been this way. He is a musician and always had dreams of stardom and he claims when his last band fell apart about 4 years ago he gave up altogether on that dream. But the thing is it seems like he's given up altogether on everything. He seems like he has no drive or purpose. And I dont know if I believe him either, that this is a recent trend. Ive talked to old friends of his and ex bandmates and everybody implies that he has always been kind of a slacker. We live in a great city with so much opportunity and while he does have alot of friends nobody wants to give him a chance in terms of work. Alot of people have described him as "unreliable."I care about him but this is taking a toll on our relationship and I feel like he needs guidance and coaching and its not a role I want to take on (even though I inadvertently have). His parents coddle the hell out of him and are out of touch with reality. They see and believe what they want to believe and to them their son is perfect, so they are not people who would talk to him honestly and kick him into shape. I dont think thats love. Parents who love you recognize when there is a problem and deal with it for their kids benefit. Not just brush it under the rug for fear of having to admit they probably didnt do a good job as parents. Thats how I feel his parents are, especially his mom. She's so concerned with being "right" and being "flawless" that her son is suffering for it. Being "right" and "perfect" and putting on that facade even by means of denial and delusionment is more important to her than her son's well being. Its sad. He tried talking to me about it last night. He opened up alot. Ive tried giving him advice but he does what he does. He's not a bad person, he's just really misgiuded and maybe depressed. Ive suggested he see a therapist but he never followed through.I want a guy who has his shit together. This is affecting me. But I feel guilty leaving him. He really needs help. And I'm pretty much the only person who can help him but while he recognizes all these problems he is not doing anything to help himself. I cant do it for him. Im so frustrated. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): by the sounds of it he has depression, he needs medication to help him see that things are not so bad. You care and that is lovely but his so called 'friends' appear to have written him off as unreliable and lazy so he isn't getting a chance.There must be employers in the city that don't know him or his history though so he could get work, even if its just as a barman and doing some gigs.Not everyone is a high flyer nor do they want to be, your two different people with little in common and you cannot carry him.He sounds like a square peg in a round hole.I would walk away from him for both of you, suggest he sees a doctor too for depression and let his parents or better still, siblings know that he NEEDS help. That's all you can do for him.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 Hi
If you want a guy who has his shit together then he is not for you, your not his mum or his counsellor
He sounds pretty depressed, the realisation his dreams won't come true could be the root,he is the only one who can get help.
If he has no income and no job then he has too much time on his hands which won't help him. You have tried - now its up to him.
He has his road and you have yours
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): I often refer people back to what they have written, and ask that they read it. You have posted your heart-felt opinion of your situation, and you already have the answer to your problem.You should by no means delay your happiness based on another person's disillusionment or lack of motivation. It is noble to stand by your man through adversity; but sometimes a guy gets a kick in the pants when he realizes he has hit rock bottom. After he has lost something most valuable to him. In this case, it's you.Feeling sorry for him is feeding into his depression, and his parents are the people who love him to a fault. They aren't necessarily in denial, they have been supportive of his musical endeavors most of his life, and may find it hard to break old habits. They are, his parents. They do recognize his faults; but are in the same rut as you are. They know no cure for his ills. So they love him as he is.Mothers don't like admitting their son is a failure to other people. You don't know what family discussions go on in your absence; or what they discuss at night when they retire to bed. He is an adult and where he goes from here is up to him.Rather than sitting around and being critical of his parents; it would be better that you removed yourself from the situation. You are just his girlfriend, they are his parents forever.He may have given up. He had big dreams and they have never come true. So he mopes about, and he wallows in his disappointment. He never planned on failure. He had no plan B. Music is all he has. That is his problem. Even if he underwent therapy, he may find treatment for his depression; but he has to develop his own self-motivation.A therapist cannot do this for him. He's lazy and punishing the world for not giving him his dream. He is emotionally crippled; because he is afraid to try anything else for fear of failure. Until he reaches an epiphany,life will simply pass him by. I suggest that you find the courage to end the relationship; to allow yourself the opportunity to find love and happiness elsewhere. You have done all you can and continued loyalty is holding you back. Your mind is made up, but understandably, you need to hear it from someone else. Propping him up is not your lifelong responsibility. His friends came to that decision long ago, as you have personally determined. You are responsible for your own happiness and it will come when you decide to pursue it. In a sense, you are as complacent in love as he is with life. The difference being, you're not a failure in love, just true to your heart. That's the same problem his parents face. They are too devoted.You have been a very good girlfriend, and you've given two long years to a man who can't see beyond his lost dreams.Wish him well and get on with your life.
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