A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,for the last 4 1/2 years Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend. I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been. There's no doubt in my mind that he loves me very much. Although our personalities are quite different we have always kept a very honest relationship, at then end of the day our core values always align. We disagree on very few things and I suppose it helped us avoid many fights. I am 24 and He is 31. I recently graduated from university and started to think about marriage (the next logical step). I eased into the topic few months ago at a wedding and he told me he didn't want me to talk like that. He seemed very uncomfortable about it so I asked him why. He told me he wasn't ready to talk about that stuff and that he is till trying to figure things out for himself. in his words it was "I just don't know if you are the one yet.." When I asked him why he feels that way, he told me that he doesnt like being pressured into things and how he feels pressured when i talk about marriage related things. He even went on to advised me to keep the conversation ambiguous and say "my husband" instead of him when i mention future marriage situations. He says that he feels everything over the past few years went by so fast that he doesnt feel like hes making the decisions on his own terms. He also told me that he feels pressured by his friends because they are all getting married and he hates how he has to start thinking about it because he's just not ready for that. This answer obviously concerns me... I always knew he wasn't on the same page as me in terms of our relationship. I was a few pages ahead of him in our relationship. Since the beginning it was always hard for him to open up and I always respected that and took everything at his pace. However, it bothers me a great deal to know that going into our 5th year he is still not sure if I am the one. I love him very much and would do just about anything for him. I believe that at this point in my life the "I don't know yet" answer is not good enough for me anymore. I need to know where this relationship is headed. Please understand this has nothing to do with the "biological clock" thing. I just need some help understanding what kind fear of commitment he has and how to get him to start talkin to me about it so that I can make a decision for my self. Obviously, the last thing I want is to end the relationship. I want to try everything I can to make it work even if it means waiting.thanks in advance for your help.
View related questions:
university, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ooops  +, writes (12 September 2010):
OMG...
Certain men are just not comfortable with the idea of marriage.
Even I don't and i have a friend - a girl - who thinks the same.
It's just a scrap of paper.
I have to say that from what you wrote, you BF looks a perfectly normal guy with a healthy attitude who loves you and honest with you. This is important.
Whatever he said, that wasn't ready to talk about, not sure you're the one, time flies away are the most natural feelings for a man.
My 3 years @Uni + 3 years @work just passed by like 1 or 2 years this feeling is common after leaving high school, you should already know this.
For a man it's frightening. Especially if you're happened to be 30...
He has pretty tough concerns about life in general, but he is not telling you, it's not your problem and you can't do anything about that.
See quarterlife crisis here
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis
You have a 7 years difference, so you cannot understand all his thoughts atm., you will have the same kind of things happen to you - if not worse - when you approach 30, believe me :)
"Recently graduated", "the next logical step" - for you for sure, but men in general afraid of commitment.
A marriage is a life-long commitment hopefully fr most of us, so he doesn't want to just jump-in, nor even think about it.
One of the direct impact problems is:
"He also told me that he feels pressured by his friends because they are all getting married and he hates how he has to start thinking about it because he's just not ready for that."
peer pressure! - as usual.
Yes, everyone gets married around 30.
At least, according to some beliefs, this is the time to do it.
Also please note that he is expecting you to behave like this, I mean, to want to get married, but just simply not right after graduation at the age of 24.
He's expecting it to happen when you'll be somewhere between 26-29.
He is also afraid to not have sex with another woman for the rest of his life - and believe me this is scary.
If you really want to "do" something to ensure your position with him, I advise you to follow the children line.
There is a father in him somewhere, so you better be making remarks about that blond 5-year old little boy @the mall.
Do it naturally, smile, and never overdo it, that could worsen the situation.
With marriage - wait, and do not mention it.
Hope this helps...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Well, I'm not sure what kind of issues he has, but it's not a good sign to bring up an important subject like marriage and have the door slammed in your face. Even if he is getting teased by his friends, he doesn't need to get that defensive about it. How can he say everything is going by too fast and he doesn't feel in control of his decisions when a) you've been together almost 5 years and b) it seems to me you are taking everything at HIS pace. The thing is, he should know if he's going to marry you by now. So you have to look at the big picture and ask yourself if you're going to wait for something that might never happen, or move on to someone else that wants the same things you do? Personally, I would choose the latter, but everyone has to make that kind of decision for themselves.
...............................
|
