A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that my boyfriend has been living a secret life. He had meet meeting men online and having sexual relations with them. When I first found out he said nothing happened, he was just curious and he still says he is only curious but admits to it. He says that since he was raped by a man as a small child, it has made him confused in his sexuality. I don't know how I can be with him if he really is Bi. He never wanted me to find out and never wants anyone to know. I think he is ashamed. He says he was disgusted by it and doesn't like it, but then why did he do it? He says he is not doing it now, but how will i ever know? is there any hope for this relationship? i love him so much but i can't handle if hes cheating on me all the time. he wants to go to therapy. he had never gone before or gotten help from his childhood rape. hes had a few flip outs about his rape in the last year. if he likes sex with men how can he ever be fulfilled with me? he is so closed about this that most of the time he just gets really angry when i bring it up. today was the first time he even admitted he had relations with men, but that he didnt like it. no one would ever suspect he does this stuff. i am shocked and hurt and i just dont know what to do. we are planning to get married and have a baby. now im scared but i dont want to lose him. i love him so much and i know he loves me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): I wish I could make you feel better about what I'm going to tell you but I was in the same position as your boyfriend. It has taken years for me to get to a level where I can now feel "normal".
He may be Bi sexual or even Gay but will not admit this because it then makes the rape feel like his fault. Then there is the problem of getting used to the situation. In my case I felt safer when having sex with a man because I knew what the worst outcome could be. I think you become conditioned to your earlier experiences and they stay a part of you.
My girlfriend was very supportive of me, I just wouldn't go for therapy because I was ashamed to admit what had happened. She felt enough love would see us through. We married, some years later we divorced. Looking back now I can say that we would be better off if I had gone to counselling either with or without her. The feeling of self loathing never left me and I would seek out gay men to "test" my feelings.
Short answer, tell him to sort his own feelings out first, he may not be cheating in the conventional sense but if he cannot resolve his anger/attraction he is in no state to support you, or God, forbid a child.
with sympathy and love
good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have great friends and family but i cant tell them about this. He really doesn't want anyone to know. He is so afraid of what people would think of him. He wants to brush this under the rug and just act like everything is normal. Hopefully he will go to some therapy and get help. I wish it could be the way it was...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very confused hurt and angry. I want to understand why he did this and help him if that is what he needs. I'm just terrified to keep going because I am sure he would find better ways to hide it if he continued to seek out men. I don't see how trust can really ever be rebuilt now. Thank you for your comments, they were helpful.
can someone become Bi from a rape? will that have forever changed him?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (11 August 2008):
 Hi there,
you really are in a tough spot . Any thoughts about a normal life surely are now out the window. It would be great if you could go as a couple to therapy together and over time he may very well learn to deal with these issues.
But the problems are going to be huge, your world must have been turned upside down, and he has misled you by hiding this information from you. So only you can decide whether you love him enough to forgo the betrayal and work with him to resolve this.
But you will have to accept that it may take years to recover from his early childhood trauma ( if he ever recovers at all). Which for you will mean a life of stress as you will have to accept that his sexual preferences may lead him to stray from you.
Only you can decide whether the relationship is worth it, but I think you know that any sort of rosy happy "normal" relationship is not possible with a man who has been traumatized like this.
good luck
Good luck.
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