A
female
age
30-35,
*irgin18
writes:So i have been in this great relationship with this guy for almost a year. We get along great. My family likes him and I think his family loves me. he is a great guy and we both love each other very dearly. I can actually imagine a future alongside him but I think its too early in our relationship to start talking about that, even though he is 25 and I am 20 years old. But that's not the problem, here is what bothered me recently:His grandmother, who is very old (I think she's in her late 80's or something) has been very sick lately. I always make it a point to ask about her so that he knows I care and I'm with him on everything that happens. So today he went to visit her and when he went back home he starts joking about the fact that apparently she told him not to get married now, to be young or something like that. I didn't think much of it and just took it as a joke until he went further and said "be careful, she's working against you here, lol" that's when I started thinking that is was about me, and that she didn't like me in particular. So after a while I called him and jokingly asked what she had said exactly, he didn't wanna tell me but after me insisting he said she reprimanded him about his choice of women (he is a white Argentinian American) because apparently she doesn't like the fact that he's dated his share of black women before. And then she told him to date other women, specifically white blond women. So basically she told him not to take me seriously and to dump me for what she thinks is a suitable women for him. I am not racist and I have never experienced racism first hand but I really don't know what to think of this, I know he loves me and he even told me he doesn't share her opinion and that I'm the only girl he loves but her comments still bug me. Specially since I took the time to care about her health. Oh she told him he should also date women that are as beautiful as him but in her language that means lighter skin women are more beautiful. I know she is old and she lived in a different time but still that was not a nice thing to say and now I feel like I'm gonna be really uncomfortable around her. I also got annoyed at him although I know it is not his fault because he was not the one who said that and I know for a fact he doesn't think like her. So what do you guys think about this?A little physical background about me (not that it matters but here it goes anyway): I am a light skinned Dominican woman, and whenever we are out together I am always the one being hit on. We have had guys come up to us to tell him he is lucky to have such a pretty girl standing next to him. And he gets freaked out anytime I am around attractive man, or man in general because he says I am the sexier of the two. I don't wanna sound conceited but I guess this is why I think that her comments were uncalled for and hurtful. And I was shocked to find that she was kind of racist, which makes me wonder about the rest of him family.....
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female
reader, virgin18 +, writes (23 May 2011):
virgin18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your advise guys! Most of you are right, I'm dating him not her so I just forgot about the thing. I did bothered me for a few days and still others me to think about it but he has reassured me in a million ways that he loves me no matter what so I guess that says something lol. I haven't seen the lady ever since because apparently she doesn't visit much (I guess I'm lucky about that part lol) but I do wish her well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): Hey, don't let her get you down. The older generation are much more likely to be racists and stereotype people, my nan does for sure. She's against fat people and foreign people which is hurtful cos I'm a bit fat but you've just got to accept that they're old and that's how they think/they're very set in their ways. She won't be around for long and i'm pretty sure what she's said will not influence how your boyfriend feels about you. SO CHILL!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): I have dated different race guys and yes it does come with the territory. The guy never minds, of course that's why he is with you, but usually there is some issues with the family, on one or both sides.
I learnt the best way to get over it, is to remember that you are not dating his family, you are dating him. His opinions matter, not some silly old woman who is set in her ways. Don't let it get you down, clearly you have a lot going for you, you only deserve the best treatment, don't forget that. She can gripe and carry on, but as long as he doesn't feel the same way and still respects you, don't worry about it.
It's very common with older generations to only stick with the stereotypes and false accusations that they have no idea about because they have not taken the time to learn about the other culture. Perhaps talk to him more and get his perspective on it, and try not to take it personally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): Wow that must be hurtful. I can't say I completely understand how you feel but I can only imagine. I would be so upset and umcomfortable! You should definitely let your boyfriend know how you feel! I no people might say things like, 'oh, it doesn't matter how the gramdma feels or her views', but i think it does matter. I think your boyfriend should make you feel a little more secure about the situation because if you were to have kids with this guy would his grandma think her own great grandchildren are ugly! You know what I mean! Think long term. Could you see yourself fitting into an ignorant family, when it comes to color.. When I say ignortant I don't mean it in a mean way I mean it as someone who's close minded.. If your boyfriend makes you feel secure enough not to even worry about the comments then that's good! But if it's bothering you then you should definitely speak up and see if he has your back! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): It's not about who's the sexiest it's about someone from another time who has fixed views. The undercurrent of what she is saying, sounds to me, more like she thinks it's time he settled down. Now you know her views its important how you handle the situation. Don't let her remarks anger or hurt you. Instead, rise to the challenge and let her see what he sees in you. Go and see her every chance you get. Talk to her and maybe even visit on your own as if you personally want to be in her company and you arent just tagging along behind your boyfriend. Im sure if you are a lovely person, she will grow to love you and in time, wont be able to think of anyone better than you for her grandson! As for his family, im sure if they felt as the grandmother does, you would have picked up on it by now or your partner would have said something about them 'working against you'.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 She's a racist, so what? You're black, I'm black, the sky is blue and the sun is hot. That's how some things go. You can't make all people nice, you can't walk on water and you don't have wings to fly. You have to learn to accept the things you can not change and stop crying when nasty people call you names.That's the way life is.Ignore the old woman. You only please her when you listen to her nonsense and try to run away. You love her grandson, not her, who cares what the racist thinks?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 I understand this is very hurtful, but you should not take this to heart. The grandmother is old, has rigid views about things which will never change now and while that doesnt make her a bad person, you have to ignore it, because thats how she is. My granny is much the same, and while it used to irritate the HELL out of me, just listening to her comments, it doesnt bother me anymore. Simply because I know thats how she is.
As long as your BF loves you and you are happy, dont give a damn about what people say. I am quite certain the rest of his family isint at all like the granny.
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