A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I saw on my boyfriends phone that a friend of his texted him a pic of another girl. Followed by, "what do you think?" Mind you my boyfriend had erased all the text messages between them prior to this. Anyway, my boyfriend replied, "that could be interesting." Then his friend forwarded him her name and phone number and told him to call her. My boyfriend didn't respond. His friend kept pressing and asking, "did you call her." My boyfriend responded the next day and said, "No sorry been busy..." His friend continued pressing for him to call by which at that point my boyfriend stopped responding altogether. This friend knows we are in a relationship and have been for almost two years, btw. I do believe when the texts were sent my bf and I had been arguing a lot, breaking up, making up like everyday. Not that that justifies anything. I confronted him about it and he said his friend was drunk, met a random girl and showed her pics of his buddies and she thought my boyfriend was cute and wanted to meet him so his friend decided to set them up. Apart from the fact that his story sounds so bullshit, I pointed out the obvious, that I presume his friend wouldn't do that out of the clear blue sky, unless my boyfriend had given the impression that he was open to the idea. He merely responded that his friend was being drunk and said, "that's how guys talk." Yeah that's how jerks talk. My boyfriend gets so dramatic when we argue and I can picture him putting on a front and trying to be tough and acting like its over and he's so ready to move on and go out with his buddies and talk a lot of shit about meeting other girls, when deep down he is probably miserable and just trying to take his mind off of me. It's such an immature way of going about it. But knowing him, I could see him doing that and see how some idiot friend would not read between the lines. I don't know if Im just making excuses. I'm pretty mad at him. I don't know if I should pawn it off as mere stupidity, not something I should worry about, or is there something I'm not seeing that raises a big flag? I'm confused.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
 CindyCares always steals my thunder! Your boyfriend has no balls honey. He didn’t have the nerve to tell his friend “NOT INTERESTED I HAVE A GF”? Seriously??? If it was when you were fighting and she was there to help him get his mind off of you, well that’s just as bad as being alone after a bad break up of a LTR is crucial for healing.
Friends should not have to read between the lines…. Friends can be told point blank.. hey you are being a jerk… The issue is that your BF did not say “NOT INTERESTED” he led his friend on. The person to be mad at is the boyfriend with the lousy morals and ethics.
You are not 18-21 you are grown adults behaving like stupid teenagers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Im the op. Thank you for the feedback! The consensus seems to be that my bf (or ex) talks a lot of crap about me and doesn't respect me. I couldn't agree more. Female anonymous, your advice really stood out for me. You're right, it's not a front, it's the real deal. I ended things with him a day before I wrote this. And you are all right, he does always come running back. I didn't realize then what he was in fact up to and was going through his head when we had argued in the past, now I know. I don't throw the word "love" around loosely, and certainly don't go in and out of love so easily just cause we argued. There's definitely a huge respect factor missing on his behalf. I think it's bullshit. I just have to be strong and never take this shit again. Since he thinks he can do better, he can now have all the time he wants to test that theory.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 I find curious how so many of our posters are always ready to blame everybody and his sister for their SO's misdeeds, but the actual offender. It's always somebody else's fault : a flirty colleague, an interfering mother, a jerk friend that can't read between the lines....
The friend does not HAVE to read between the lines, and ,as annoying as this is, he does not even owe to YOU any particular loyalty or allegiance. He is free , if he wants, to show your bf a whole harem of naked oriental odalisques. And your Bf is free to choose HIS own reaction to that. He has got a will, a tongue, a brain, hopefully, he can say : No, I am not interested. No, I am not going to call this girl,I have the time but I don't want to call her. No, my friend, do not try to hook me up with people because I am fine with my Gf.
Apparently he did not do that, ask yourself " why ", it's a good question.
I do not imply that he WANTS to cheat on you or dump you , probabaly it's like you say, you were arguing and he was just posturing and showing , to his friends and to himself, that if he wants " he can do better ". Still, if he asked to be hooked up it is HIS responsibility ,if did not REFUSE attempts to hook him up it is his responsibility , if he did not make his mind clear to his friend(s) it is his responsibility.
Don't waste time resenting the friend, and place the blame where it belongs.
Is it a big red flag, or is it mere stupididty ? That it's for you to decide, I guess, to me mere stupidity IS a big red flag, how worth it is clinging to a stupid immature bf , (particularly if he is in your age range !)? But maybe he has other redeeming qualities, so it's up to you to draw the list of pros and cons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Your boyfriend's friend may or may not be a jerk. What's certain is that your boyfriend complains about you a lot. If your boyfriend said any nice things about you, even if his friend despised you, the friend wouldn't think of setting your boyfriend up. I have a friend, I've never even met her boyfriend (of nine months), but I've tried to set her up with other men. Why? Because she does nothing but complain about her boyfriend. They fight all the time. She says she's only with him because she doesn't want to be alone. Personally, I'd rather be single than dating a person that frustrates me so much, but I digress. Your boyfriend's not "immature," "he's not putting up a front" trying not to think about you. He fights with you and then goes out with his buddies looking for other women. When he realizes that finding women isn't as easy as he'd like to think it is, he comes running back to you. He misses the perks of being in a relationship, not being with you.Your boyfriend sounds like a coward of the worst sort. I'm sorry, but this is all a huge red flag. I don't think he respects you very much. If your boyfriend doesn't respect you, why should his friend?So sorry that you're in such a terrible relationship. Stop getting back together with this jerk! Pull that bandage off and find the right guy for you!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 April 2013):
I think that your boyfriend probably vents to his friends about his relationship (as normal people do). And his friend being drunk (or maybe sober) thought he would do the good deed of setting his friend up with someone else because he may possibly see your boyfriend as unhappy and in a not-so-healthy relationship. I don't think you really need to be upset with anyone--although, it is hard because you feel like his friend is meddling in your relationship. But I've done it to girlfriends of mine if I didn't care for their boyfriends. Just being honest.
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