A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He has a 14 yr old daughter from another relationship. He was never married to her mother but they are still on good terms for the most part. They never set up a formal parenting time agreement so he basically takes his daughter whenever he can. Which is usually only when it's beneficial either for the daughter or the mother. I am divorced and on good terms with my ex but as far as parenting time for our son, we have an agreement for every other weekend and split holidays, etc. While it is sometimes a pain to have no schedule for my boyfriends daughter I have learned to come to terms with that for the most part and just adjust to whatever days she can come over. Or I should say whenever she "wants" to come over, or when her mother wants a night home alone. Financially, my boyfriend and his ex have come to an agreement for a set number that he pays her every month. It is not calculated using the state child support formula but it is a number they agreed on. He pays that amount directly out of his paycheck every week and it goes directly to his ex's account. His ex pays the child's heath care coverage through her work's health plan. My boyfriend does not contribute additionally or specifically to the health plan premiums so because of this he pays for his ex's cell phone plan each month. (Keep in mind he also pays for his 14 year old daughters iphone and plan as well, which is fine) but he tells me he would rather pay the cell phone plan monthly for his ex rather than give her half of the health care premium because it is half the cost of the premium. He says that if he didn't pay his ex's cell phone that she could possibly take him back to court and have the child support re-calculated which would make him have to pay more than just the cost of a cell phone plan. To a point I can understand this, but another part of me just thinks that his ex likes the fact of being "taken care of" by my bf. To me, she is being dumb for not getting the full half of the insurance cost if that is truely what she is owed but thats her choice apparently. The bottom line for me is that I have to deal with my bf paying her monthly phone plan and therefore dealing with any phone problems relating to her phone. He was paying for a cheap plan for her through Metro PCS but now he wants to give her his "old" Galaxy 3 phone that he bought 6 months ago so that he can get something new. That will also mean he is adding the ex to his Sprint plan. When I suggested just giving her the phone and letting her sign up for Sprint on her own he said she can't because her credit is too bad and they won't sign her up. As crazy as this sounds I would almost prefer him to just give her the additional money each month and let her deal with her own phone situation. The biggest hang up for me is just the fact that he is basically taking care of this grown woman who should be on her own and taking care of herself. I have no problem paying for his daughters phone plan but that should be where it ends. Even though we apparently save money by paying the ex's cell phone bill, is it worth the overall tension that it brings to our relationship? Anytime I bring up that I'm not happy about it my bf gets so annoyed and upset and doesn't understand how I could not possibly understand why this set up is best. I'm a pretty rational person but this is driving me crazy. Please help. :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
 So it's not about the money amount
or the lack of planned visitation
or the fact that they get along so well they never needed court intervention.
He pays her cell phone bill. it's part of their deal. I assume she has a fixed plan and the amount is the same every month.... if so, why can't he just give her the extra when he sends the child support payment.
I don't think he should put her on his plan. I do think if he wants to give her his old phone and pay the deposit for her due to her bad credit that might be ok.
personally she can buy a very nice pay as you go phone for a minimal amount and then he can pay that directly to the company via their website Most places will give you a new phone and may have a plan where $50 per months gets you unlimited everything. All he has to do is set up a recurring payment on his credit card and poof, no more conversations about the phone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Paying for his ex wife`s plan is a false economy because he might be saving a few dollars but it is costing him trouble at home with you. As for putting an ex partner on his contract. That is plain folly. If her credit rating is low, that is no longer his concern. There are plenty of `pay as you go` cell phone deals out there. His ex can arrange one for herself. Many of us use those instead of contract phones. The best way forward is to take the matter of child support in hand. Go to the child support agency and find out exactly what he should be paying towards his daughters upkeep. And he should start paying that amount. Scrimping and trying to make deals with his ex just to save a few dollars and all the trouble that is causing is simply not worth the trouble it is causing. Besides, his daughter deserves proper financial support from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): I can understand your point of view. Simply cutting her a check each month for a certain amount is ok because it is impereonal and if she uses it to pay her phone bill that's her business. But instead when he puts her on his phone plan and is involved in repairing her phone or finding her a new one then it is different even though the amount of money is the same. I think it is the fact that he is not just giving her money that is due her but he is giving her his time and attention and effort. Furthermore sharing phone plans carries the connotation of being a couple since that's typically who you share a phone plan with if you are an adult. Can you explain this part to him? I think part of it is obviously he is comfortable with her since they used to be together so to him it does not feel like an invasion of personal boundaries since he isn't doing anything new that he always has done with her. How about if you try to remind yourself that he is saving money by being "cozy " with her so she wont get all legalistic about his payments to her. I don't think this will last forever since 4 more years and their kid will be grown and thus he no longer owes the ex any payments or the ex will get a new man who she will then want to use naturally for this kind of thing. I just don't think it is worth fighting this battle right now since making a guy feel caught in the middle between you and his ex is gonna just make him antagonistic to you. He is dealing with a difficult situation the best he can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): I m a grown woman, and my husband takes care of me and did my whole life since I was still in college and then stay at home mom raising our children. What you wrote makes little or no sense to me, if I can't call it a simple jealousy. Just to think for a minute, if it was not jealousy, why would you care about this issue? As your boyfriend said, it's a better a deal. By getting upset about it, you are being unreasonable, and this is why your boyfriend gets pissed. It's a better deal financially, what does he do extra by, taking cAre, of the phone issue? To add someone to his phone plan takes probably few minutes, and then he is done. What effort is he putting into it? You are the one who brings tension into your relationship with this silly issue, not him. Also, a daughter should be able to see her father whenever she wants. And on her terms also. It's not her fault that they divorced, she is 100% entitled to her fathers attention and time. You have a particular agreement with your husband, it's ony between yu and your husband, but he can do whatever he wants with seeing his child. I think you are right, the child's mother is dumb by not taking more money for the insurance. It's a simple calculation. Why don't you tell her,and then the phone issue will go away?
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