A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I'm having trouble with my boyfriend's flat mates. He has been living with them for 2 years now and they are not very nice people. He only lives with them because he has nowhere else to go. His parents live 4 hours away from the university and he has no other friends. The girl started off nice to him and pretended to be his friend and i never liked to much to start with but she had her nice moments and i forgave her for her bad times. Now she is putting her nose down at us. She abuses my boyfriend and shouts at him, nags him, moans at him and i can’t do anything about it. He has nowhere else to go and i’m not allowed to shout back at her because oviously the household has to stay quiet.She is a very selfish and self-centered person. She calls him names and orders him around like he is a child. I want to shout at her and i hate her putting him down. Hes my boyfriend and it hurts me every time she opens her mouth to him because i feel useless and i can’t defend him. He isn’t on the lease for the rent of the flat, if anything goes wrong she can chuck him out and he has no where to go. The house they live in is an utter mess because of her. Only his bedroom is clean. The dishes stay in the sink with food on them for 2 weeks before it is cleaned. Usually she only cleans her and her boyfriend’s dishes when they need them again for something. It’s disgusting. We stay in his bedroom all the time because they occupy every other space in the house.When they were moving i said that we should have the bigger bedroom because she and her boyfriend occupy the entire living room and the bedroom and spend all the time in the living room (so we cant go and watch tv or put our things in there) and only sleep in the bedroom. I felt because we need to spend ALL the time in the bedroom we should have more space as they have two rooms to spread their junk across. She said she wants the bigger bedroom and if he doesn’t like it, she will get someone else to live with her. She treats him like her servant. E.g-The flat is run by a meter and you add money in every now and then to pay for electric. We were in bed and i heard her get up and bump around for half an hour. First thing she shouted was there was no electricity and it had run out. She was shouting all over the place that she couldn’t get a cup of tea. So this went on for half an hour before she hammerd on our bedroom door shouting:‘Oi, midgets, theres no electricity! Get your asses out of bed!’ So my boyfriend got up and went to the door and she told him to go out and buy electric. Even though he was JUST out of bed and she had been up for half an hour. She told him to go and get dressed and go find somewhere to get it. He had told her 3 times already where to buy it. So he had to go and get dressed, without breakfast, without shower and go and buy it while she sat at home. I lay in the bedroom fumming. I wanted to go out and ask why she wasn’t going with him so she knew where it was NEXT TIME and why HE had to go out and get it when she was already up. Why wake him up.The list could go on and on for every thing that she does. I don’t live with them, i stay at home. I can’t afford to live in a flat with just me and my boyfriend and he cant afford to live in a flat by himself. I have only been dating him for 1.5 years and i feel it’s a little to early for our relationship to take that much of a commitment. I would be spending an extra 200 a month and would not be able to save money if i lived with him. I feel i need to save my money for when we finish university so we are prepared for anything that happens afterwards and i miss my family too much to leave them right now.I feel i am being forced into this awful situation where i will HAVE to leave to help him get away from these people. It’s killing me so much for her to boss him around and put him down. I feel really protective of him when she is around. Should i stand up to her and show her i dont want to take any more of her crap? I dont think she actually relises how horrible she is. I think it is just her personality. Even if i shouldn’t, how do i deal with this rage inside of me? Everytime she opens her mouth i find it SO hard to resist telling her where to go. It’s getting harder and harder and i feel i’m going to explode at her soon. I can’t take her treating him like crap! She doesn’t do it to me, it’s just him because she knows she has control over him. What should i do?!
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flatmate, money, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): It sounds like you are more annoyed about this than he is and that the real problem is that he doesn't stand up to her. Why can't he find another flatshare? And why can't he stay with you?
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (2 May 2009):
 You should do nothing...we have all been there as tenants sharing with people from hell...it drives people to buy. I could tell you a few stories about the nutters I rented with when I was a student...they drove me to train as a psychologist I can tell you! Anyway, back to your problem...well that is the issue really, it isn't 'your' problem as you don't have to live there and you are not your BF's keeper. The co-tenant is a bully and your man has just got to grow some dangly bits and stand up to her. She dominates him and the house because he lets her, he is a gent and she perceives that as weakness. He is not on the lease and so he can leave anytime without financial repercussions - you could be spiteful and find the landlord on the land registry for a couple of pound as I guess she is illegally sub-letting :-) and I am sure the owner would be 'delighted' at the state of the house.
If the place is a tip, he should pack his bags and find somewhere else...I used to rent as a student with a mad art-student who let her elderly cat sh*t everywhere (including under my bed) and tried to organise swingers party's in the front room. When I went on holiday she didn't pick up kitty's deposits for 2 weeks in a London heat-wave...hmmm that was a lovely smell to come back to, you could sniff that flat a mile away. I packed a bag and left - my Uni. helped to find me a place, and your BF can go to his accommodation office for help too. In a credit crunch there are lots of landlords looking for lodgers and nice students out there to share with...he just needs to pick up a newspaper and start calling around.
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