A
female
age
41-50,
*lueeyes18
writes:I have been dealing with for two years now and it come and goes in waves. My Boyfriends parents dont really seem to like me or my kids. When we 1st got together it seems that they just dealt with me but you could tell by small subtle hints they really don't care for me. I have talked with my bf about this and he knows and how much it upsets me but he tell me that he isnt going anywhere and that time will prove to them that hes going to stay with me. For the most part I can handle things but when they start calling my middle child "special" and making fun of her right in front of me, it makes me want to hit something. Which of course I don't but still I can only take so much. The latest thing is his son's birthday is coming up and he son wants him to come but not my family. This hurts especially since ive invited his son to every birthday, family outing ect. I try hard to be understanding and say ok he wants some father son time and I get that but I dont want him thinking I can go to whatever they are doing but they can't come to mine. And his family supports this, my bf's sister acts like his sons mother, I have never seen anything like this in my life, its just alot to take sometimes. I could write a book with everything that has happened. Any advise? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, blueeyes18 +, writes (5 March 2013):
blueeyes18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank all of you really, I came here with so many questions and wasn't sure what to do. I think there is hope in him so thats a good sign, he has stood up to his family on more then one occasion and even went a long while with out talking to them or seeing them because they were totally out of line. It was Mother's Day last year the day of all days I didnt want anything to go wrong and his son hit my daughter with a baseball bat, she was standing to close to him and he didnt see he well needless to say she got hit and it did hurt her but no major damage done well my bf sister comes flying out of the house and starts yelling at my daughter for not paying attention, I was trying to calm her down about ready to blow and my bf gets in her face and tells her to back off you have no right to yell at her like that it was an accident and you are NOT her mother, well his family didn't like that and before I know everyone is in his face and mine, so he said a few choice words and with that we left and it took along time before he would even talk to them. Today they act like it never happened while I will never forget. I don't go over there unless I really have to, I do try to be pleasant when I am around them and its hard because when they act normal I like them but the are very snotty people and I can only take them in doeses. So I know he does defend me and my children I just wish they would get over them selfs. Im sorry for writing a book but it feels nice to get this out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): can you just disengage totally from his family? let him have his relationship with his family since they treat him well. It does not mean YOU and your children need to have anything to do with them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2013):
 deep sigh.
my ex husband's family treated my kids just like grandkids... but my husband before we were married told his parents they had to accept me and treat me well or he was done with them.
There are two choices here...
your boyfriend stands up to his family for you
and/or
he disconnects from his biological relatives and builds an new family with you and your selected friends.
family is who you choose to be with... relatives you are stuck with.
But i agree with everyone else this is really on him... He does not want to hurt his family but in not hurting them he's hurting you.
I'm betting if he grew a pair and stood up to them they would back down... or risk losing their son/brother
the calling of your middle child names, I'm sorry but they would have been dealing with me in their faces then and there.... I would defend my child to the death of a relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I really agree with SageoldGuy and the female anonymous. It really is about your boyfriend standing up to his parents and defending you. They clearly only like blood related realtives and that is up to them but your boyfriend must not allow them to belittle you or your child in any way. I think you are behaving remarkably well. Personally I would stop participating full stop as I could not handle this and what I would class as betrayal. I would explain to your boyfriend exactly how you feel and give him the chance to put things right. If he does nothing and allows this behaviour to continue for your own well being and for the confidence of your child I really would consider ending the relationship. I had a similar experience where my husband's family continously put me down or took the piss and he would say I was over-reacting, or imaging it or being silly about things. This went on for a few years but I finally saw the light and left. I am so much happier without any contact with them. I missed my husband but it was better without them. This situation is tiresome and unpleasant and will eventually grind you down so take control and don't let it continue to happen or put yourself in this position any longer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I really agree with Sageoldguy, especially because I've been in a similar situation myself - it's your boyfriend who is effectively endorsing this situation by not standing up for you or your kids enough. This kind of situation really upsets me because I've experienced, first hand, a huge close knit family who are so loving and supportive of one another either subtly or not to subtly exclude my beautiful and genuinely kind and adorable and well behaved daughter, who has no other family except me. The cruelty that was almost invisibly folded into this situation caused me so much pain, and what was bizaree was that my partner for years and years told me that I was basically over-exaggerating. But his family would do things like not invite my daughter to weddings, or subtly put her down, for example when she was little she adored swimming and was good at it but on the rare occasion that one cousin took her swimming with his two daughters, she was so shy with him and so nervous of the way that he was treating her that he came home and announced in a loud voice "*****(my daughter's name) lacks confidence in the water" whilst going on to praise his own two girls. It just became so painful experiencing this stuff and, on top of it, trying to get my partner to believe me, that I finally realised he was, just as Sageoldguy is saying, the problem - he simply wasn't behaving in a way that conveyed to his family that my daughter should be loved and accepted as one of them. I'd say look at other areas of your life and check if your partner is protecting you or just expecting you to defend and look after yourself a lot. If he is just not 'stepping up' in other areas,a s well as not defending you with his own family, then really consider leaving - its honestly not worth the heartbreak and the more it goes on the more other problems will grow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): This is appalling. my sister is divorced and remarried and both she and her new husband have kids from their previous marriages. my parents treat his kids no different from her kids. They treat his kids as one of their own grandkids, spoil them rotten etc., because they ARE their grandkids since the parents are married to each other. in fact I think the husband's ex-wife is upset that the new wife's parents are overly spoiling the kids and THAT is what is causing conflict in our family right now.I think you need to talk to your bf first. If you and him are going to be married some day, your kids will be his step children. It is reprehensible for him to allow his own (step)kids to be treated that way. if he won't do anything about it, I would seriously consider if he is the kind of guy you want to stay with.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Ironically, this guy's parents/family are only the "canary in the coal mine".... that is, they give you the evidence that something is amiss.... but it is not the parents/family that is/are the problem.... IT IS YOUR "BOYFRIEND".
If he is aware of his parents'/families' boorish and indefensible behaviour, then you must question what HE is doing.... A REAL "boyfriend" would have put his parents and family straight - in defense of you and your kids - long ago. That he doesn't tells you that he really doesn't have your's and your kids' best interests in the forefront of his mind....
Make this decision: Tell him that he and his family must accept, and behave more politely and civilly toward you and your's, OR your "relationship" is over and you will be happier either by yourself or with a guy who REALLY DOES give a darn about you....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, blueeyes18 +, writes (28 February 2013):
blueeyes18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much... it has helped me shed a new light on this subject. About my boyfriend being in the middle, this is a very true statement, so when talking to him about things that bother me I keep and open mind and always try to meet somewhere in the middle, because I have to realize that his family was there before I ever was, but what I want them to understand is im not going anywhere and hopefully in time they will see that. I see both sides of the story and sometimes wish they could as well, and I do very much need to grow a thicker skin.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Unfortunately, you are stuck with his parents. They and your boyfriend come as a package deal. While you may win them over in time, it is unlikely. You do have a few options:
1) Insist that your boyfriend defend you. While you can't make his parents love / appreciate you -- you can make sure they don't mistreat you and your children. If they put your children down, your boyfriend MUST stand-up to that and call his parents out. Nothing excuses rude and mean behavior -- especially to children.
2) Admit a lost cause. That means avoiding contact with them. Your boyfriend will have to be on board with this too, but during troubling family gatherings make yourself scarce.
3) With your boyfriend's approval, write a letter to his parents. Be kind, but firm and keep it short. Explain the hurt and pain you feel and the pain your children feel. Tell them you hope to work it out and that you just want to make their son happy. Do not come out on the attack, but explain that you want a harmonious relationship with them AND their son.
4) Grow a thicker skin. Yes -- it sucks. Dealing with mean spirited people is a fact of life. Minimize the impact they have on your children and grin and bear it. Again, your boyfriend's parents come as a prize-package so to speak. Hopefully, in time, they learn to accept you and they'll see that you make their son happy.
I wish I had a more definite answer for you. Your boyfriend is also caught in the middle... he doesn't want to disrespect his parents and at the same time he needs to please you. Hopefully you'll find a path from some of the suggestions I made where you can work together to at least make his parents tolerable to you.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 I see this is a blended family, you have three children and he has at least one. His family wants to keep people separate, your side and his side. His parents don't want to accept more grand kids who are not blood related.
This is a hard situation. If I were you I would not want anything to do with his family. Not sure if your boyfriend still wants to get married if the two families just can't mix. Maybe they still like his ex. They are making it hard for him to have a second chance in relationships. They have way too much power and your boyfriend will find it hard to stand up for you.
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