A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please Help!I was in a 5year relationship that ended less then a year ago. He actually broke up with me over text because he couldn't face me. The reason our relationship failed was bc I wanted to get married and he didn't. Marriage scared him we've been battling with this fear of his for a long time. We actually broke up 2 yrs ago bc of it. 4 months after that we got back together and he said he wanted to but again the fear took over. I tried dating a few guys after that and realised my heart is still with him I love him too much to let him go. I would give up everythng to be with him. Spoke to him a couple of days ago he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship right now. There's been times in the past year that I get txt from him saying he wants to talk he misses me he's so messed in his head but wants to talk and then weeks go by and he's cold again and isn't very responsive. I miss him and I want him back I don't want to be with anyone else. The last few weeks I feel horrible and I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know what to do I'm completely heart broken. I want things to go back to the way they were. I just want to know if there is hope :) we always had a great time always laughing joking and I felt geat with him I haven't been the Same since and I can't imagine being with someone else. I really hope u feels the same and realises what we lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): No OP, no hope unfortunately.
You want to spend the rest of your life with him, he doesn't. To the point where he'd rather not be with you at all.
OP it's not a fear of marriage, he's not scared, it's not a phobia that can be fixed, it's a simple fact of you not being the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
He doesn't want to commit his life to you and you won't let that idea go. He simply does not see the same future with you as you do.
OP it ended nearly a year ago, you really have to let this go now.
You've been trying to get him to change his mind for years OP when are you going to realize it's not going to happen?
You got back after 4 months, he gave it his best shot and then realized it had to end. Yes, he has his weak moments where he contacts you but his overall behaviour says there's going to be no comebacks this time OP.
There is no hope, he does not want a present with you, so a future is more than out of the question. Time to let that hope go because it really is never going to happen.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 You want to be married to him. He does not want to be married to you. NOTHING you do can change that because if after 5 years he’s not ready; it’s not going to change.
If you want to be with him and everything is good and the only reason you broke up was because you wanted to be married and he did not, you have one option to be with him and that’s to do it on his terms. NO Marriage. And probably no babies… and the potential that he may meet someone else later on and leave you to marry her exists and then you will be destroyed.
When a man says “I don’t want to get married” he really means (in most cases) “I don’t want to get married TO YOU” It sucks to hear this and will hurt to accept it but it’s probably what’s happening here. I will give you two examples:
1. My husband when I met him at age 37 and offered him fun and games and NSA/FWB he was more than happy for that. He told me then… “I’m never getting married, marriage is stupid, I don’t believe in marriage” that was Early 2011. In June 2011 we realized that it was by them more than fun and games… we were married BECAUSE HE WANTED TO MARRY ME in late 2012…. Marriage was only stupid until he met a woman that he didn’t want to risk losing ever… to him marriage then meant security. He kept saying we were getting married for “business reasons” but we had resolved those issues and even a week before the wedding I told him we didn’t need to get married… he insisted. This man who did not believe in marriage who swore he was NEVER getting married, is a happily married man.
2. Case two… our dear friends… they got married 3 weeks before us. First time marriage for both of them…. The bride age 40…. The groom age 52. Yes FIFTY TWO… he just never met the right girl till this one… When it’s right, they know it and nothing will stop them from their goal.
Women are raised to want to get married and make babies…so even as young girls we dream of being a BRIDE…. It’s kind of ingrained in us… men, are told it’s ok not to get married… never met a boy who dreamed of being a groom and getting married… not until they meet what they think is the right girl…
Now with all that background… for you I can say that he is never going to marry you of his own choice…. And if you hang around waiting for that to happen it probably won’t. In order for you to heal and move forward you have to accept that it’s over with him and you can’t have what you want. If you do not want to accept his crumbs (and trust me I really don’t want you to do that but you may do it until you have had enough) then this is what you have now.
What I think you need to do is tell him, “I love you but it’s over because we want different things. I wish you well but I need to remove you totally from my life forever.” You say goodbye then you delete his phone number (block it if you can) same with his email and his social media… unfriend… BLOCK… you do not want to see him getting on with his life….
You will mourn this a long time… it’s a dead dream. It’s a knife in your heart. It sucks big time and I’m so sorry.
IF he moves heaven and earth to get in touch with you it better be on bended knee with a ring or else blow him off… if he says he needs to start over… don’t do it… you have given him 5 years…. Time to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Start the No contact rule as this man is not going to give you your dream. If you prepared to settle for less and you have already contacted him and he is not taking you back, again start the no contact rule.
What you are doing is not healthy and yo are not going to heal if you still think you can get back with him.
You need to enjoy going out with just friends , dont force a relationship as that is where you are setting expectations and letting yourself down. the more you chase after him, you feel like a fool. SO just put this behind you and move on. Remember if he loves you and want you back he will come to you, chasing after him is going to have the opposite effect.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 February 2013):
 it sounds to me that if you're dead set on wanting to get married and he's dead set on not ever getting married, there's not a whole lot of room to budge here.
i think you keep hoping to change him. that's a problem. some of the best dating/love advice i've ever received was this: "i'm a couch. i will always be a couch. if she wants me to be a love seat, she needs to go out and find a love seat because i'll never be that." of course that wasn't literaly speaking, but you get the point. the point being that either you accept each other for exactly who the other is or you move on. but you cannot try to change each other or mold the other into who or what you want.
even if you did get back together, is this still something you're willing to accept? or are you gonna try to change his mind? i encourage you to think about this before you even consider going any further in possibly pursuing him. can you accept never being married to him?
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Your relationship is salvageable. However, I think you are going to have to lose your dream of getting married to him.
The man has clearly stated he doesn't want to get married. For whatever reason, he has been up front with it and after 5 years of dating I don't see him changing any time soon. He definitely knows who you are and knows what he is getting into. Some guys just don't have the chutzpah to get married.
If you want your relationship to work and are willing to settle for just being a couple, then I think your relationship can work out. The question is, though, are you willing to settle for this? What is his position on kids and how does that impact you? How do you think you'll feel about yourself if 5 years from now you are still "just dating"? While you love him, the cost of loving him may be too high and you may be missing out on the opportunity to have a lifelong commitment.
After your long term relationship with him, I can certainly understand the trouble of finding just the right man. Hopefully you don't regret settling because you didn't have enough patience to find a man who shared the same values and views as you do.
Make sure that in your heart you will be happy for the next 5 years if you take him back.
Eddie
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