A
female
age
41-50,
*oritrouble
writes:I need some advice!I'm finding it really really hard to deal with my partners ex! He just cannot see her for what she is, a malicious controlling bitch!She's now taken to texting him daily, he claims that it is about his daughter but surely not? Every day she's only 4 how much can she do when she is in nursery 8 hours of the day!
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (1 November 2008):
 I know it isn't easy but rise above this woman pushing all your buttons, make sure your bf wants to be around you by doing all the little nice things she never did for him, what's his favourite food or film to watch etc.
When you are with him then make sure he knows what he's got in you, a wonderful woman who is loving and caring and who doesn't give him earache constantly.
Try to make sure he sees how much you care for his child in the little things you do, maybe check out Matalan if you can for a little warm coat or scarf and hat set or gloves etc, they don't cost the earth but if the mother is not that bothered about the child then suggest keeping those things at his for him when she comes to stay.
It is always the little things that mean the most OK.
Stay strong sweetheart.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, toritrouble +, writes (29 October 2008):
toritrouble is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday is an ok day after the hellish weekend! The ex wife has been on the phone again today, I didn't react. I know that I have to face this, but I'm past caring, if he goes backthen he deserves her.
I know it's still early days in our relationship (first year)buti'm not ready to give up. But that woman is wearing me down.
Thanks for all your support guys, a few conflicting views there!
Tori
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 October 2008):
Well the amount he pays her each month sounds about normal I must admit but with the changes in the CSA now and them changing to some other name in the news recently perhaps things may change on the amount he pays but I doubt it.
Does any of this contact seem to bother him at all?
5 days a week in nursery for that amount of time is a hell of a lot but if she works full time then I guess it is the only option, either that or a family member looking after the child which may not be an option.
I do however remember that the nursery fees are NEVER cheap even after the government steps in when your child reaches 3 so I reckon unless daddy stumps up for the nursery fees as well at least half if not more is going on the nursery fees every month, hard to say unless you know the government allowances and the amount the nursery charges.
I think the level of contact has to be controlled by him and ONLY him as it will be seen as your jealousy otherwise.
Do you talk to him about her though?
If she knows you exist then yes maybe she is trying to win him back.
How long have you guys been together and how long have they been apart?
Living near to one another is possibly convenient for access to the child. How often does your partner see his child?
I know for a fact that my ex's now gf does not like any amount of contact from me but accepts it. I work with him every day and mostly we probably talk once a talk re work, maybe more depending on if a job is being done. However, we do communicate via email most of the time. This is different because we work together still even though we live miles apart.
I try not to call him at lunchtime when she goes home for a sandwich with him and not in the evenings as it is our down time. If there is anything urgent though I will text him and normally he comes back to me on text.
She sometimes doesn't like it though if I have to ask him a question and I have only just seen him - I know that causes tension sometimes. He doesn't blame me but I know she doesn't like it. I am NO threat to their relationship at all but we do share a child and always will. He is not happy with his gf though and even though he is a pain in the ass sometimes I still consider him to be my best friend.
Maybe your partner and his ex have a close friendly relationship, I don't know, has he ever said what they were like together and what they are like now they are apart?
As the child gets older maybe the contact will lessen a little. Don't bank on it though unless you talk it through with him and explain how you feel.
It may NEVER change if she wants him back though! That is only up to him whether he decides to get back with her and whether she uses the child as emotional blackmail which is always possible.
Decide on what you want out of life and let him know how hurt you feel and see how he reacts, it could all be early days as yet. Try to make your presence felt a little more though and make him feel very special around you. Be everything she has NEVER been to him, if you nag too much he will possibly go back to her so be understanding and loving.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, toritrouble +, writes (25 October 2008):
toritrouble is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes they both work and he pays a whopping £450 a month as supprot. The child is in nursery 5 days a week 7:30 til 5:30 . It's a lot. The texts come at all times.It hurts as he never admits I exist. She knows about me but he has never mentioned me again.I am working away at the oment and she only lives around the dcorner. I'm just so frustrated by it all. Does it ever get any better?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Dear Poster
You should not allow the ex to upset you; this will create problems between you and your guy; calling her names will not help you or improve things either. Think about it logically; he is with you; he is with you because he wants to be with you; don't make it unpleasant for him; then you are driving him into her arms;
Don't allow your own insecurities to get the better of you; yes, I understand you have a fear that you will lose him and that the ex is trying to get him back; but by getting upset and calling her names; vow, the ex might just succeed; NO use a different approach; relax, calm down; don't let her messages and contact get the better of you; even if it does irritate you; stay calm; if you don't complain about it and make an issue about it; he might himself soon get tired of it and do something about it.
You could also in a very loving manner start showing interest in the child and ask what the sms was about; but don't get upset if it was insignificant; just take it in your stride and remind yourself; no matter what the ex is trying; he is with you. She will more then likely stop her behavior if she realize she is not getting a reaction from you.
Do remember his child will always be important to him and best you learn to accept that and live with it or you are in for many hours of frustration. Become part of the child's life and share his interest in the child.
Don't allow your "fear" and insecurities to blindfold you.
Best wishes and next time there is a sms try to keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (25 October 2008):
This one is never easy to answer but talking to him openly about how his daughter is getting on maybe a place to start.
Ask him if he likes to hear how she is or if he gets bothered by the constant texting, does he voice himself to you about this or are you just reacting the whole time.
Does she text him when he is with you or only when he is at work?
It can't be easy for him either - especially if it is during work time as this must be one huge distraction for him.
Does he see his daughter often?
Does he support his daughter financially?
Do you live with him or just see him regularly?
How many days a week does his daughter go to nursery and is it really every day for 8 hours a day as that is quite a bit for a child of that age, all depends on if his ex works or not I guess?
A little more info and maybe some of us can understand a little more about what is going on here.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Hi ive been in your shoes, with my now ex guys ex the mother of his child, she was concently texting, ringing, about things in which he said was mainly abut his child which sometimes i belived and sometimes i didnt, every single member of his family hated her and still do but do you think he would listen no he only wanted to hear what he wanted to even in my eyes i could see she was a bitch and i hardly new her, And guess what ive now split with him and hes back with that bitch what she wanted all along, she hardly wanted him but didnt want anyone else to,My advice to you is confront him and get him to talk or just leave him altogether as its not worth it and your only going to get hurt,get well rid,good luck
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