A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We are living together in our own apartment for 3 years now and I just found out one of his female friends that he spends lots of time talking to was one of his exgirlftiends (his first love), she's the only ex that he's still talked too and I've known about her since he told me everyting. She just recently got married to the guy she cheated on my boyfriend with and shes also the one that keeps contacting him......since he still got feelings for her (I think) he's having a hard time ignoring her. I told him that I dont think it's fair for me or her new husband for them to be friends since they were in love once, I got very upset cause he immediately defented her trying to say that I'm jelous for no reason and that she's just confused and he can't just ignore her. Every time I brought it up its a huge fight between us and even his sister told me I need to understand that everyone first love will always have a special place in their hearts which make me even more heartbroken. It hurts cause he's the first guy I got serious with and moved in with, am I being insecure? I don't believe in someone staying friends with their ex unless they have kids together, I'm afraid that them being friends will bring the memories of romance they once had. I just don't know how to bring this up for him to see it from my point of view and it's not helping when his parents (his mom cheated on his Dad with his step Dad) agreed with his sister....someone with advice will be helpful. Thank You.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): Before I commit to anyone, we lay it all out on the table. I see no reason to keep exes in my life. I move-on and write them off as fine memories, and learning experiences.
What's done is done. I don't make enemies, or cling to exes. If my new man feels caught in-between, or he has to make a choice? I make it easy. I leave. One man is a tear-drop in an ocean of men. I have more to choose from.
It's fine and dandy for others who wish to stay in contact and maintain friendships with their exes. If I meet someone; I observe and get to know their friends, family, and acquaintances. I introduce them to mine. That's how you build trust. That's how you get to know more about "why" you care, or feel so attracted to someone. Often you learn more about them by the company they keep.
I don't commit myself to people who have exes hovering over our relationship. I arrive drama-free, and will not allow prospective love-interests to inject theirs into my life. It's not insecurity. I don't have to deal with exes. If I don't deal with my own; logically, why should I have to deal with theirs?
If he shares no children with an ex, I don't have to share him with an ex. I want all, or nothing. Building a relationship is tough enough without complications at the onset. I don't have time to wonder how deep their connection still goes. I don't compete for nobody. You don't have to, if you don't want to. You have choices and options. If you want him so bad you can't let go for your own sense of peace and security, shut-up and deal with it.
Otherwise, make it clear how you feel. Then leave it up to him. Then you'll know just how important she is to him. It's up to you if you want to stay, if he insists on keeping her around. Don't force him to sneak around behind your back. You feel like sh*t when you find out.
I'm not being selfish, because I have a lot to give. If he wants it, then come get it. I'm not making any unnecessary sacrifices with my peace and sanity over people dragging their past lovers into our relationship. If you're not over them...I'm over you! That's why me and my boyfriend feel safe with each other. We have our own friends, mutual friends, and our perspective support-systems; but they don't include our exes.
I don't ask my committed-partners to set any boundaries or change anything for my sake. I simply don't deal with it.
You don't inject yourself in-between people who make you feel like an intruder or outsider. Like you need a vote from existing members to be accepted into their club. I don't do threesomes.
Exes belong in the past, with reasonable distance to maintain a peaceful co-existence; unless they share children. If I date a divorcee, that is very different. Their exes were once married to them. They aren't going to really disappear into oblivion. They were more than just friends once. They had the ultimate commitment. Marriage. It ended. Once they were life-partners and that changed. Oh, sweetie, don't get me wrong there either.
If you're too lovey-dovey with your ex-spouse; I won't come between you. I will date you awhile, but I'll move on. I won't pass-up good company, or a potential friend; but you'll get no committed-relationship out of me beyond the friend-zone. Clingy exes are like parasites. Drawing as much energy as they can from your relationship peripherally, and butting-in not to feel left out or neglected. Willing to take sides and overrule you by a vote of one up. Waiting in the fringes or on the sidelines, to be supportive when you have disagreements. Always against YOU!
If that ex makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to suffer through making personal-sacrifices, compromises, or adjustments with your boyfriend to accommodate her. You shouldn't have to. He should set definitive barriers without even being asked.
This is my new woman, and I don't want anything to jeopardize this relationship. She was then, but you are now! He should go out of his way, without your asking, to make you feel secure and respected. If he doesn't; consider moving on. It is he, who has something to prove to you. He's the one who wants to keep someone else he had romantic feelings for in his past. You don't have to deal with it. Let me tell you. I DON'T!!! If I commit, you've got me and all I have to offer. I don't bring baggage, or exes.
If I can't get the same in return...TOOTLES!!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!!
Tell him exactly how you feel, and don't hold anything back. Don't tell him what to do. If he wants your trust, he has to earn it. If he's going to hang-on to somebody he used to f*ck; and still expect me to commit my heart, trust, and love to him. Show me there's nothing I should feel concerned about. That's his job, if he wants to keep YOU. I ask nothing of people I'm not willing to do myself; or to make a fair compromise over. My boyfriend has nothing to worry about. I put all my past behind me, and one thing I knew for sure about him is; he wants nothing to do with his exes!!! He told me that before our third date. He told me all about them. He has changed his life, knows what he wants, and they are history. I assured him the same. He's damned worth it! So am I! So are you!
That's how I like it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): I think the first thing he's going to say to you is that he truly wants to stay friends with this girl and if there's anything he can do so that you can be comfortable with their friendship.
I suggest you think about it - is there anything, ANYTHING your boyfriend can do (show you their messages, introduce you to the girl, no going out alone with her, etc) to give you peace and security. If there is something, anything, then suggest it to him. If you are firm in no friendship with the ex, then tell him that.
You are his girlfriend now and you have every right to let him know if his friendship with his ex bothers you. It wil be up to him to decide how to handle it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Here is my point of view.
I'm NOT a fan of "friends with exes". It's a complication 90% of people can live without.
However, I DO think people CAN be friends with an ex, specially if they BOTH have truly moved on. I am "friends" (acquaintances really) with MY first love. We didn't talk for a year after we broke up, and then we felt we COULD be friends and ONLY friends after that. That has worked for over 20 years.. SO yes it's possible.
My husband is "Facebook friend" with his high school sweetheart AND his ex-wife. When the latter (the ex-wife) at one point became INAPPROPRIATE (read dirty e-mails, wanting to met up for sex, talking about regretting the divorce ya-ya) HE showed it to me, and told her he could no longer be in contact UNLESS it was about the kids... She of course stopped talking all together, didn't even tell him when one of the kids had surgery and she tossed a couple of presents/cards out (we know this from the kids, not her).
SO, in short, having KIDS together doesn't mean you are going to behave MORE civil or LESS flirty/inappropriate than you would without kids. IF you get my point.
YOU are trying to enforce YOUR values and ideals ON him. He doesn't AGREE.
You said it, "YOU don't believe in someone staying friends with their ex unless they have kids together"..
Whether his parents cheated or not, DOESN'T make him more likely to cheat either. My dad cheated on my mom. I have NEVER cheated. Trust me, I saw what cheating DID.
So that argument is invalid. Also... INVOLVING his family in trying to convince him to DO AS YOU WANT is not "playing fair". THEY are not in YOUR relationship. THIS is between YOU and HIM. NO ONE ELSE.
Do you trust him to tell her NO, if she wants to met up? Or she gets flirty? Or leans TOO much on him? If you don't then I think you should tell him that.
Do you trust him to NOT cheat on her with you? If not, WHY are you with him? She isn't the only other female out there. Yes, he HAD a romantic connection to her, BUT she ALSO cheated on him. DO you think he would honestly want her back?
I would give him the benefit of the doubt. If you think you can do that, tell him that you trust he KNOWS the boundaries of a friendship and a relationship and that you HOPE he will live UP to that trust you are extending.
BETTER to know IF he truly IS trustworthy BEFORE you two get engaged or marry... or buy a house together etc.
OR you can decide that THIS is a deal breaker for you, end it and move out.
That is my 0.2 cents.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Let me help you by scripting the "discussion" for you.....
You sit "B/F" down and say: "Hunchy-bunchy, you know that I'm crazy about you... enough so to actually moved in with you and share an address. You know, as well, that your old girlfriend is married, now, to another guy. So.... you and she need to start acting like B/F;G/F who ain't no more!!!! AND, if you can't figure that out.... then you can carry on your life WITHOUT ME!!! .... until and unless you DO figure that out. Is that perfectly clear?????"
His response will determine how you can go on from there....
Good luck...
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