A
female
age
30-35,
*enizli
writes:Hi everyoneI feel very sad and disappointed. I just found my dad has been texting another woman. This is the third time I find out he does this. The first two times I have told my mom about it and she tried to deal with it. The last time this happened, things became very bad. This other woman was hired by my dad's siblings to take care of my grandpa who is a senile senior (apparently without them knowing about the affair my dad and she had). When my mom and I found out this woman was the one who was involved with my dad, I was so angry and frustrated and I went to confront her. I literally kicked her out of my grandpa's house and then she quit her job.It became a huge drama among my family and almost everyone got to know about my dad's behavior. My mom gave him an ultimatum and she was close to leave him. He was crying but denying everything. He slept a couple nights at his father's place.Me and my brother supported my mom on her decisions but she decided to take him back at some point and they made up.I thought after that he would change and stop seeing this woman because things went really far but later I would find I was wrong. My mom kept on being suspicious and thinking he was still seeing her and texting her since he's become very secretive about his phone but we could never prove he was still doing it.Until today, his phone was ringing several times while he was in the shower. I ran to the room to find a text from her. He had the number saved in his phone with a guy's name but I could tell it was her writing him. She was saying something about seeing him today at 17. I deleted the message and left without him knowing I had grabbed his phone. I became very sad and angry he is doing this again. I must add my dad has been unemployed since early March and ever since then my mom is who provide for the whole family and also who pays the bills, so this fact makes me even sadder to see how unfair he is to my mom now she's having a real hard time with finances.I don't know what to do. I want to tell my mom about this because I believe it is her right to know and also because I find it very unfair she's working hard for us while he's seeing someone else, being completely disloyal to my mom. I know confronting my dad won't give much result since I've done it in the past and he just acts angry and denies things. I love my dad and I am really close to him but I feel totally betrayed with his behavior and actions against my mom. Has anyone else been in the same situation? What do you guys think I should do?My parents are 55 (both of them). They've been together for 27 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): I agree with honey pie. It's awful but you can't force someone to do something they ARENT ready to do. And to be fair your mom shouldn't be getting you or your brother involved either. My guess is she will find out in due time, or she already knows. It sucks, this is a shitty situation to be in. I hope your mom does what's right for her and that your dad wises up.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 June 2015):
 YIKES!
I know how you feel. I went through my teens watching my dad cheat on my mom a couple of times (once with a darn NEIGHBOR) - he would always claim he was just "helping" these "poor" ladies (such as give them rides to go shopping (even though they BOTH had cars and needed no "help" in going shopping..
Last time he did it was picking me up at the airport WITH one of his "gf" and I presume he thought I would be civil, but I threw a fit any 5 year old would have been seriously impressed with, REFUSING to ride in the car home with his "whore" (yes, so not proud of the name calling, but I was 16). I guess my dad realized I would tell my mom, and I told if HE didn't I would. And I didn't have to. He did. She kicked him out for all of a week-end and they "made" up after that. Not what my brother and I had hoped for (we honestly felt my mom would be better off divorcing my dad) - but it was THEIR marriage, their lives.
YOU have to accept that you MOM is not ready or willing at the moment to end her marriage, and for whatever reason, neither is your dad.
Personally, I'd stay out of it from now on. IT IS NOT your job to run interference, to TRY and teach your dad that he should not cheat, or your mom that she should kick him out.
THEY have to figure this out themselves.
I didn't have a great relationship with my dad. Not really, till after my mom's death. We have both mellowed. My brother however, refuses to have anything to do with my dad.
I pulled a HUGE guilt trip on my dad right after my mom died. I was angry at EVERYONE that I had lost my mom, but lashing out at my dad was "easy". We then later had a long long talk about it, and while I still carry SOME resentment for what he did to my mom, we actually get along pretty OK now.
Like the anon says, you REALLY have to remove yourself from this. I know it's hard because you are right there and seeing it, but THIS is their drama, their marriage and THEY need to find a solution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): I do not think you should do anything.But since you feel it's your moral obligation to tell your mum, I'm not going to advise you against it either.We all make our choices. IT seems you've already made yours.So do tell her or ask someone else to go to that place+take photos of them together. He can't deny evidence.The problem is: so what? They will both hurt again either way.Your dad might be acting out because of his current situation and might also be having a mid-life crisis. Not a justification of course, just a possible explanation.You can NOT make him stop. He has to sort out this mid-life crisis or this affair by himself.Also,I see no point in you hurting your mum further (by alerting her to this behaviour), as it will re-surface on its own. He can't hide it forever.If you feel you gotta tell-you have to do it very gently and emphasise that all this ugliness from before is affecting you.And that even though he is doing wrong, he is still your father, so could they please sort it out between themselves with less drama and without involving you directly in it?Do tell her you love her and you'll always have her happiness and her best interest at heart, as she is your mum and you just wanna see her happy,so you could not keep this to yourself.But the environment is getting toxic for you. You feel you gotta spy on your dad to protect her. And you did. So you are very protective of her, you don't want her to get hurt again, but whatever is going on between them after this last :"I knew what you did last summer" episode, you'll never get involved in their love life ever again.I'd put it like this to her.After all,she is the one who decided to keep him. Their love life is theirs.You can't make decisions about what's "wrong" and what's "right" for her. She has to make it.You can alert her to this behaviour one last time if you wish, but you really have to remove yourself from this.
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