A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have an unhealthy obsession with something that happened in my boyfriend's past 15yrs ago!He was a Professional singer and moved around the country with work when he met his ex. He told me a story that she was 16 and had had an abusive childhood and looked and acted a lot older than she was. He told me they got engaged after 6 months and had a party at her family home then she moved into his travelling caravan and stayed with him when he was on tour. They stayed together for a number of years and had 2 children when she was 18 then 21.(They split up 6 years ago)I found that a bit odd but accepted it. (she has now since married and has 2 children with her new husband)I invited his brother for lunch and to get to know the famly etc at the weekend. A bombshell was dropped!! what actually happened was....she was only 14 when they met (he was 25) she moved in with his family when she was just 15 and they lived together as a couple whilst he still travelled with his singing and she went to school in his home town???? His parents claimed 'child benefit' for his girlfriend??? that came up in the conversation in passing....I pulled him up about the 'lie' and he said he got mixed up with the years dates and the age she actually was????? I do not know the full story but when I try to bring it up he gets aggressive and makes out I am making a fuss about nothing??? We are practically living together and my children love and respect him as do his children with me...but I just cannot stop thinking about his past and think it was/is sooooo wrong!! I have been to the family home and there are pictures of them together around the house in frames... but she looked so young and I felt rather uncomfortable as they looked like brother and sister photos.He is no longer a singer but keeps in touch with 100s of the people he worked with over the years (he told them she was in her 20s) - a lot women from his seedy past also. (He told me he slept around before he met his ex wife) I have my own baggage that I have dealt with and do not want to keep going over and over his weird history in my head - it is giving me such a headache but I just cannot understand his values/morals. When I was 14 I wasn't even developed physically never mind emotionally lol.He showers me with love attention and affection and the whole neighbourhood have accepted him as part of the community. He is out of work right now and I am between contracts. We are together 24/7 4 days a week and he texts me constantly to tell me he loves and misses me when he is not with me. I am the 'object of his affection' I have no reason to feel insecure about our future but it bothers me very much that he refuses to tell me about his past. I have too much time on my hands at the moment so hopefully when my next contract comes through I will stop wasting my life thinking about something that has already happened. He said none of the relationships he has had since his split with his children's mother have 'gone on about it'.
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engaged, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, moved in, neighbour, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you fishdish - a very sensible answer.
Yes she had an abused childhood and had to grow up apparantly.
Gosh 15yrs ago I was a timid little mouse with no qualifications.....now I ooze confidence, I am educated and the people in my neighbourhood (I left my hometown/family/friends 9yrs ago due to being sexually abused as a child and called a liar and more or less disowned when I spoke out) would not recognise the old me.
I have blocked out my own life from way back then and seem to have replaced those years with wondering what my boyfriend was doing at the time (think it is time to call a therapist lol)
I want to accept his past but it was just the outright lie he told me of how he lived. I want an honest relationship. He asks me questions about my life out of interest not an obsession I guess lol.
Ok - thanks again for your input.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 I think what's important is, were you the same person as you were 15 years ago? yes you're more adult than child at 25, you should know what's right and what's wrong, but if you believe that your children are not at any risk, that he loves you then there's really no reason that you should dwell on an ex, despite the age. he saved this girl from an earlier, bad life, whether it was in exchange for another bad situation you never know, but it's not your right to find out. if it's something where you see no signs of history repeating itself, then you just have to move on and accept all of your man, including his sketchy past.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 August 2011):
 If you go looking for trouble, you are sure to find it.
You mentioned several things in your post that you could take as advice to yourself.
1-You know you are obsessing and it is unhealthy. Your bf feels you are blowing it out of proportion.
2-It is 15 years ago. Is he the same guy now? You state how good he is to you. Is that enough now?
He can not undo the past.
3-If you do obsess on this (and no good can come of that!) then you will succeed only in pushing your bf away.
If you have too much time on your hands and find your mind drifting to this situation-go occupy yourself with something more positive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2011): Actually I think I chose the wrong word lol 'emancipated' as it would seem his parents became her legal guardians. I used to walk by that school that she went to every day when I myself was married with children...imagine that...going to school at 15 and living with your boyfriend and his parents. Surely it is illegal! I have a stepson (from ex husband) the same age as her and he would have gone to the same school if we lived in that town.
I know it is wrong of me to get so wrapped up in something that happened in someone elses life all those years ago but I am trying to understand the person that I love and who he was before he met me. He knows all about me and asks me questions. He even insulted me by having strong opinions after seeing pics of men I have dated and how old they looked compared to myself??? (I look ten years younger than my age and usually date men 5 or 6 years older than myslef) what a strange contradiction????
He has never done or said anything bad and is the most loving man I have ever had a relationship with. I am going to mess it all up if I don't stop this OCD thinking about the past.
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