A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a small predicament that I could do with some help with.Myself and my fella have been together over 18 months. He has 2 kids and we all love each other to bits. My parents took a long time to accept it but they have now. The only problem is, is when a family event takes place with other kids my fella and his kids can't come (my fella can minus the kids though). I have told my mum this is putting pressure on me as I have to explain to my fella why the kids aren't invited. There is a family event coming up soon in which we have been invited but I am going to have to come up with an excuse to protect him and the children as to why they can't come. I am thinking about just not going because my mum and dad aren't ready. My fellas little girl is dying to meet my nieces and my nieces birthday is coming up soon in which I think they should all attend. I have told my mum the situation but I get no answer. What should I do? Thanks x Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LilacWine  +, writes (21 January 2013):
I think time is the only thing that will change your mother's mind about this. In the mean time, don't worry about her. Go to your niece's party which can't last more than a couple of hours, and then go back to your fella and his daughter for the weekend. As So very confused said earlier, invite your nieces over to your place so they can get to know everyone. Invite your mother too if you feel comfortable about it. If she doesn't come over, then it's her problem, not yours, and you're just going to have to wait until she comes to her senses. :-)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 @female reader anon- without any particular biase about who's right who's wrong ( if I were the OP's mom I would not have a problem in inviting her bf's kids , yet I can see how and why other people may think differently ), I must say that the point you raise about adoptive children is irrelevant.
Adoptive children ARE related. Such they must be considered by law. The law makes them for all intents and purposes actual legitimate members of the family they have been adopted in, and that's the reason why they can inherit from adoptive relatives up to the 6th grade.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): @ male anon: "I define a family as a household where all members are related to each other, "oh dear, I must not have a family then, because my 2 children (now aged 21 and 25, in college and grad school), were adopted. How nice it must be to place black and white superficial definitions of who does and does not count as 'family'. I sure hope none of your children/grandchildren find themselves or their spouses unable to conceive biologically, or fall in love with and marry a wonderful person who unfortunately already has kids from a previous relationship and are forced to adopt or become 'phony' step-parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 January 2013):
I don't think your mom hates kids and I don't think she hates or has anything personal against these kids. Simply, she is organizing a family event, and while these kids are your bf's family, they surely are not, and don't feel to her, like hers.
" Boyfriend " is a rather vague and unofficial definition, and basically it simply means " the guy you are dating " ( albeit, I agree that by being together 18 months you both have shown , at least, that it was no passing fancy ). Boyfriends ,though, have a quirky way to be transitional, and quite often to become somebody's else boyfriend after a while . From your mom's point of view, no point in playing happy family and fake stepgrandmother sooner than needed, i. e. sooner than it's clear , sure and official that the guy ( and his kids ) are here to stay , as a husband, or at least an official fiance', or at the very very least a committed , -put- my -hand -on- fire -that - he-'s -forever , live -in partner . At that point , he'll be family, not just a guest , and his kids will also be family, not a guest's family.
A conservative point of view, yes, but not a freak, irrational one.
What have you got to do ? nothing for the moment, other than state your case, as you did, let her mull it over hoping that it sinks in, and in the meantime respect her wishes and her attitude. After all, it's her house, her party, her family and her guest list, you would not like her to tell you whom you must invite to a party hosted by you at your place, would you ?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): I am with the male anon on this one probably because I am the same age group as him and clearly have the same moral code. These children are your boyfriend's kids - nothing to do with your parents in any way, no blood line, nothing.. I wouldn't want to entertain them at family events either because they are not my family. To them again they are the kids of some guy you are with. They are probably dubious at the possible longevity of the relationship and undoubtedly know you very well from your past relationship experiences so may be holding out to see how things pan out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): I always don't understand when families want to "not allow outsiders" to join their events. Of course, usually "outsiders" would have zero interest in joining in some random family's event, but if one of them wants to bring a guest or two or three who are nice people, who haven't done anything wrong, and the rest of the family says "no way!" just by virtue of the fact that they are not biologically related, that to me is just plain cold and heartless. when I was growing up, we always had various guests join in our family get togethers. whoever someone was dating at the time, sometimes people would simply bring a close friend. "The family" never turned away anyone whom one of the members wanted to bring. We always welcomed with open arms any guests that any of us wanted to bring.
now my in-laws are totally different. My parents in law even exclude certain family members from certain gatherings, and which members they exclude depends on their whims.
I think your family - like the male anon poster below - use invitations to their events as a way to pass moral judgment on your life choices which they disagree with because of their own issues. that's sad, but that's what it is. If I were you I would either decide that it's not worth rocking the boat and just go along with their rules since it's their house and they are the hosts. Or, if they continue to do this when you are married then for sure I would stop attending.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): well maybe from your family's perspective, if they're having a party then the more people there are, the more difficult the logistics like how much food to prepare and so on. Therefore they want to limit the number of people. From that angle, they don't see why your boyfriend's kids should be in the picture since they barely even consider him as family just as your guest. it would be similar to if you wanted to bring your boyfriend's parents or siblings.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): I'm old enough to be your father, and if you were my daughter then I'd say that trying to pass off your short-term live-in boyfriend's children by another woman as "family" would be setting a bad example for my grandchildren and great nephews/nieces as well as causing them unnecessary confusion. I define a family as a household where all members are related to each other, and if you were my daughter then I'd be loath to consider his kids as anything more than the children of the random male with whom you happen to be sleeping at this time. To presume they are "family" would be incredibly presumptuous as well as disrespectful to the kids' mother(s) and maternal grandparents. If you were my daughter, then I'd treat bf's kids the same way I treat the children and grandchildren of friends and acquaintances, which is as the children and grandchildren of friends and acquaintances. I obviously wouldn't hold them responsible for their father's questionable judgment in introducing an adult female stranger into their lives as a phony step-mother, but neither would I promote the false illusion that my daughter's shacking up with their father somehow makes me their new Grandpa. Given lack of background info other than your listed age group, I suspect your parents' skepticism and reluctance to accept your current relationship is warranted due to previous history (yours, his or both), and they are probably deferring getting attached to or involved with his children for good reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): You said you have been together 18 months ..... in the grand scheme of things that is not very long. Do you live together and if so, how long? Your family may just be waiting to see where the relationship is going to go. The boyfriend may be welcome to family events because he's the boyfriend, aka not family yet but just an honourary guest. I can understand why they may not welcome his kids yet because until you both make a commitment to each other then they are just HIS kids. They are not your family so can't be your family's family if you get what i am saying. They have no oligiation to get to know his kids unless you guys are really completely serious. Once you have a commitment (living together or marriage depending on your folks views) then they have no choice but to accept you all as a package deal. I think instead of saying they should be coming to family events, talk about when you are their step mum they will be family too and unfair not to make them feel welcome. So even though not invited now, they should be invited once they become your family.Of course your family may never accept any kids that are not biologically yours. Some families are funny like that.Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 January 2013):
 If you want these kids to be treated like part of your family then your family should respect that unless you have a history of meeting men like this bringing their kids into the family and then breaking up with them.
I would tell your family that you and BF and the kids are a unit and you will only attend if all of them are with you,
In addition, why not invite the nieces over for a play date at your place?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): Just bring them. You are a grown adult. If they get uppity with you while the lids are there stop going to family events I really think this is your parents issue and not the rest of your family. Go and take them. They are the one out if line not you.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (17 January 2013):
 You need to press the question: why are his kids not welcome? It's time to show some solidarity with your man and say if his kids aren't welcome and other people's kids are then we're not coming.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): You are not married to your "fella" therefore you have no legal relationship to his children. Given that your parents apparently do not approve of your current relatively short-term potentially transient relationship, perhaps they believe it is best for their family memebers not to form attachments to children who may or may not be a part of your life for any length of time. Given that you have absolutely no parental authority (or any other parental rights and responsibilities), implied or otherwise, perhaps your parents they believe it's presumptuous on your part for you to consider his kids to be de facto step-children, quotes or otherwise. Or perhaps they want to be cautious about setting the kids up for diasppointment and avoid contributing to innocent kids being yanked in and out of their's fathers girlfriend-of-the-moment's families, forming attachments to non-relatives who may soon disappear from their lives when Dad and gf break up.Presuming that your "fella's" baby mama(s) is/are present, active and involved in her/their child(ren)'s life/lives, perhaps your parents are concerned that baby mama(s) would object to her/their child(ren) being considered as the faux-grandchildren of legal strangers she/they has/have never met. If I was a single parent, I would take any legal steps necessary to prevent my children from sleeping under the same roof as an unrelated adult stranger (to me) who has NO "family" relationship, so I would most certainly NOT want them participating in "family" events with total strangers (to me).If you want children to be considered members of your extended family, then marry their father and make them legal members of a nuclear family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): He only sees them at weekends. We are moving in together soon though. I don't think I will go but I highly doubt my mum will care. She is a lovely and i love my mum to bits but always likes to put on a good event with my posh family (which I am not) and I think she would be embarrassed by me.
I also hope she doesn't influence my brother as he is having a party soon aswell.
Thanks x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): Did you parents specifically say his kids are not invited or are you presuming this because they are not so accepting of him?Your parents need to understand that this man is a package deal and if they cannot embrace everyone, then you will need to decline the family invitation until they are willing to do otherwise. Stand up for him and behind him. This would ring the same if it was the other way around. You cannot continue to make up excuses and white lies to this man, it's going to blow up eventually.What you have not mentioned is WHY your parents are having such a hard time with accepting this man in your life...I feel there is more to this story and it would probably be helpful if you include why in the first place.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 January 2013):
 Do the kids live with him full time or does he have weekend access? Or do you and he and the children all live together?
If the kids live with him full time you need to tell your mum he is your boyfriend and his kids are part of the package. Tell her you are unable to attend if they are not welcome.
If he has weekend access tell your mum he and the children are a package deal and as his time with his children is limited you are not prepared to ask him to give up time with his family to enable him to spend time with yours. Tell her it is all of you or none of you.
If you and he live together with the children, well then, I wouldn't even bother trying to communicate with somebody with such a closed mind.
Have you considered by passing your mother, organise an event where you can invite your family members with neices and nephews specifically to meet your 'step childen'. A BBQ, or day out ten pin bowling or other avenue where you can host a kid friendly "getting to know you" party.
Good luck, I hope your mum sees reason soon.
...............................
|
