A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. Things were going very smoothly until two months ago. I told him how uncomfortable I was with his friendship with his ex from college(who happens to be the center of his social universe). This woman was calling him nonstop even though she's been dating another guy for six years. The ex claimed to be having problems with her man and was using my boyfriend's shoulder to cry on. I insisted that he stop it.Long story short, two months ago my boyfriend threw a party. The ex was all over him and we got into a major fight about it. I stormed off, but returned an hour later to walk in on him and the ex snorting coke together, a party gift from her. He was clothed, but she was wearing just her underwear.Naturally, I broke up with him. He begged me to forgive him, said it was a stupid mistake and something that would never happen again.I do believe in giving people second chances, especially since I saw just how much the ex was pushing the envelope and decided to try and give our relationship another chance. I really do love him.He promises never to talk to her again. The problem is that now all of his other friends hate me for "breaking up their friendship" and for "controlling him." One of my boyfriend's male friends just had a birthday dinner and made a point of not inviting me "there wasn't any room at the table." Another male friend has ignored my physical presence repeatedly(in a very uncomfortable way).I had no problems with his friends until I gave my boyfriend and ultimatum about his ex, now all of his friends hate me.I can't help but feel that my boyfriend isn't giving them the full story and that he somehow resents me for coming in between him and his ex.As much as I love him, I think I have no choice but to end things. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): Just reading abellas advice. I would agree with everything she has said, apart from the friends part.
I don't really have many friends, so if i was a man i would be screwed on that part. Even worse, what if i was to meet someone nice, i haven't really got that many friends.
All I've ever done is be good and nice to people. I was the sort of person to give someone the shoes off my feet. People have walked all over me, they take the piss out of me to my face and think i'm to stupid/to nice to say anything. So i don't really have any real friends. I use to be so open and friendly, people tell me i'm a lovely person and fun and that is the reall genuine me. You would think that people want a trust worthy friend that doesn't bitch behind their back but the truth is, their not really arsed.
I have one true friend that i can trust and possibly another but that is it. I don't really want to be close to any other people.
My point is, i'm a good person and would make someone a genuine nice girlfriend, but i don't have friends that i'm with for someone to get an idea of what i'm like. So if it was a man in my predicament then i would get put to the side in this circumstances. I got bulied at school so didn't have many friends their.
Not that i'm complaining because i am happy and have a good life. I've come out it all the other end. Just want say my point of veiw on the friends thing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): Good for you! I'm so glad to here this because it's so annoying to watch, a good women let an unworthy man, act in an unexptable way and her take him back.
So she wants to marry her current boyfriend and she was in her underware in front of another man, even worse her ex :-/ well good luck to him!
I think people who do silly childish stuff like that, wanting their ex to want them shows an ugly person with no real confidence.
Glad you can see sence all the same
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 April 2011):
 it is so good to see an uplifting follow up like this. This guy is way below the standard of guy you need for your happiness.
Make a list of character traits, values, attitudes, attributes, demeanor etc that are core non-negotiable essentials in your next guy.
A guys friends hint and sometimes scream out what the guy will be like. People tend to be attracted to people who are just like themselves.
So my first rule i go by is that a guy must have some friends. And who are those friends. And who are the people who respect him? All those things tell so much about the man.
If i still like what i see then i want to observe that he is respected by his peers - the people he works with, plays sport with, the people he does business with. These people may not be his closest friends, but the interactions with these people also tell me a lot about his integrity.
This is also why if a guy tries to keep you too compartmentalised, away from friends, not inviting you to his work functions, not inviting you to events his friends have invited him to, then he is not serious about you, or why does he not want to share those aspects of his life with you? Or worse if he has no friends, no job, no one he still sees from his earliest friends then that is a warning bell. Unless he has suffered frequent moves around the country or the world (this disrupts making friendships) or a chronic illness that has kept him out of circulation and which has required lots of medical help - then he should have at least one childhood long term friend from school. People who are likeable and enjoyable to be with do have friends.
By doing some analysis you can exclude all flotsam and pond slime at the very early stages of a new relationship, before it gets too serious. Because no matter how 'hot' a guy looks, no matter how 'silver tongued' his words are, if he does not meet your criteria (after perhaps 6 weeks of dating) at the outset, then he does not even get considered as worthy of you, as a long term prospect in your life.
It goes without saying for me that i would not consider a guy who does illicit drugs, drinks alcohol at every opportunity and drinks to excess. Nor a guy who drives recklessly and is a show-off. Nor a guy who seeks every opportunity to gamble - often a chronic gambler will hide the extent of the problem - so be alert. Nor would i consider a guy who was controlling in any way.
It is not being ruthless to have these rules in place, it is self preservation for the future.
And yes it does severely limit the pool of available guys that i ever considered. But at least it excludes the jerks, losers, abusers and the disrespectful guys very early on.
'No man yet', is far better than 'Any man now'
Because believe me, the discerning good guy is being just as picky and careful as you. That's how two good kind respectful people find each other.
And the latter is who you deserve. Good luck with this
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for taking the time to share your experiences and opinions.
I already knew the answer to my question, but wanted to hear objective opinions.
I am done with my boyfriend permanently. I deserve to be with someone who's into me, not a jerk that's hung up on his ex.
BTW, the ex doesn't even want my boyfriend, she wants to marry her current boyfriend; she just likes having control over my soon to be ex. And my soon to be ex, he just wants want he can't have...
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (25 April 2011):
Wow that's a big thing you forgave your boyfriend for. (Finding them with only her underwear on)I think your boyfriends friends attitude is largely caused by what youf boyfriend has told them. If he had told them the story as you have told it, his friends would not be giving you the cold shoulder.Do you know any of his friends a little more in that you can find out what they know? What is your boyfriends attitute like? If he has given the friends a different story then it could be that this other woman is not totally out of his life, as he actually still wants her to be in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Firstly well done on doing the right thing, taking a stand and respecting yourself enough not to except this.Quite rightly so, that you, gave him the option to chose whether he wanted you or his ex in his life. That's not controlling a person, you didn't hold a gun to his head! It's well out of order that his ex was leaning on his his shoulder. Taking coke with her half naked! That's awful. Obviously, he's saying stuff to his friends for them to be, treating you like this. She must still mean something to him for him to have complained to his friends because if be didn't care then he wouldn't have said anything to his friends.I would seriously get rid! He's not showing you the respect you deserve
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (25 April 2011):
 I am sorry that you are going through this. My husband also will not stop contact with his ex's who are now all apparently friends and i don't like it either. I must commend you for still wanting to go out with your bf and his friends because if I was ignored or treated in that manner I would not want to go anymore. I don't really believe that everything is over with the ex or even if nothing is happening I feel he is still interested as it nicely fits into his social scene which he clearly enjoys. I could not put up with a man who was doing coke with his ex and her in her underwear and I think you could do an awful lot better than this. If I was you even though you love him I would opt out. If you don;t you will be forever looking over your shoulder wondering what he is up to when he is not in your sight and that is very very waring, believe me. He also does not really seem to be that sorry for what he has done and without doubt has given a false story to his pals which is why they are treating you in this manner. No doubt he has said that you are controlling - which you are not. Since you are systematically being frozen out I would get out first and let him get on with it. If he tries to get you back then you will know he loves you too but if he carries on in his social circle and brings the ex back into the group then you will know you did the right thing. I don't really trust him or his motives from what you have said so I would finish it if you can
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): He is putting his childish friends above you. you had every right to tell him to cut contact with his ex and if he rather be with his ex and his friends then let him, but say goodbye to him and shut the door on your way out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): Well if you end it, she wins. It's obvious she wants him back and his friends like her too. You're in a jam really. If you stay with him his friends will not change, but if you leave him she will take your place. Your problem kind of reminds me of that Hinder song Lips of an angel. Anyway why would you want to be with someone who does drugs anyway. I've been down that road with my ex and it's horrible. I think you should leave him find someone better. You're not the bad person in this, you haven't done anything wrong. It's a perfectly acceptable request.
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