A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years our relationship is great, however there is one problem... His older brother. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 25 and his brother is 27. They still both live at home, so whenever I'm around his brother is too. For the first year and a half of our relationship his brother was relatively nice we used to chat and have a laugh, he always had a mean streak but recently he has really started to hate me! I treat his brother well and we get on just fine. But for the last couple of months, all he does is argue and dig at me. I used to ignore his comments but what started out as banter has become really hurtful. He calls me nasty names, tells me to go home no one invited me round, no one wants me round, me and my boyfriend won't be together next summer, I waste food, I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm cheap, my boyfriend can do better... And these are just a few. I used to ignore it but recently i've started to stand up for myself and it seems to be getting worse. He will walk in to the room when I'm watching tv and start saying what are you doing in my seat, why are you here totally unprovoked. He recently about a month ago got a new girlfriend and since then it is getting worse, his family have noticed it and they are getting frustrated and my boyfriend is caught in the middle. He is 27 and really needs to grow up and stop picking on me he seems like a bully. But my boyfriend is stuck in the middle he loves me but him and his brother are very close he try's to sit on the fence. But he is getting it from both sides. The sad thing is I quite like his brother he is a nice guy but he just wont stop being nasty. And it is ruining family occasions and making me and my boyfriend argue. He isn't reasonable enough to talk to, he always wants me to apologise, it's hard because we used to get on and now he is encouraging my boyfriend to leave me. My boyfriend said this is a pattern after a year or so he hated all his ex girlfriends but me and my boyfriend are planning a family and are moving in together within the year and it's awkward when I get on with the rest of his family. Any advice?!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Honestly, it doesn't matter what the brother's problem is, it DOES NOT give him a license to misbehave with you.
Who in this world doesn't have problems? All of us do, but that doesn't mean we become inhuman towards others and behave like jerks.
Your BF needs to stand up for you. He cannot sit on the fence, he has to grow a backbone and have the guts to call a spade a spade and tell his brother that what he's doing is wrong.
Your BF is trying to please everyone. On the one hand he's cutting a sorry figure in front of you by showing that he's getting it from both sides and he cannot do anything about it, and on the other hand you say he is close to his brother. What kind of "closeness" is this if he cannot tell his brother to behave himself and the brother himself doesn't have the minimum decency or courtesy that a person should have?
Your BF had better stand up for you. Its his responsibility, because its his family that is the problem. If the tables were turned, would you not stand up for him?
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Your boyfriend is also at fault, why isn't he standing up for you more, why is he allowing these insults to continue.Think it might be three possible reasons.1. Sibling rivalry, the older brother is jealous his young brother is happy.2. The older brother likes you and really wants you for himself.3. The older brother think he is funny, and it's his way of saying, welcome to the family, I don't need to show any manners now.Probably not 2, he has done this before.. so this older brother just likes to destroy his younger brothers life.What can you do - sigh - I would run off, if it's like this at the beginning, when is your boyfriend and family going to sort it out and make this big grown man stop acting like the fool. It might be the case that you are the outsider in this family, or older brother will always continue with his insulting unfunny jokes.But you is probably in love and don't want to do that. I would take him at his word, and make them silly jokes come true. If he insults me and tells me to go home, then I would go home right away. (but come back next day) if he resents me eating the family food, then I'd phone for a take-away or bring my own food with me, I would refuse to eat in that house again. "sorry, but I don't want to upset anyone, so I won't eat your food".. He don't want you sitting in his seat, then sit on the floor, and always sit there... "again, sorry, I have to share your air, but I'm checking to see if the internet sells oxygen"...Apologise for every single thing he says, of course you are lazy, stupid whatever, and aren't you lucky that your boyfriend still wants to see you for a couple of short months, but you know he will run off, it's all that a stupid girl like you deserves.Reverse psychology, don't fight, just agree, act like you are whipped and broken, and maybe he'll stop. Also maybe your boyfriend and family will be finally shamed, to see a girlfriend (a guest) sitting on the floor, eating her own food, and begging for a few words of kindness...When fire meets water, it creates steam.. maybe don't fight, he expects that and knows how to deal with it... use his own words to humiliate and shame him. (I wouldn't bother to tell your boyfriend what your doing, but it must finally occur to him that his brother is destroying his girlfriend)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I have seen this situation in my own family, My brother S and his wife D treat my other brother N's gf A terribly. They are abusive, rude and just plain horrible to her. S and D even openly say cruel thing. They really are the most horrid people. N doesn't say anything, he sits on the fence because he and S are close. Yet S and D will not say anything to my bf because they know if they did, they would have to deal with me, I just won't accept anyone treating my bf like that. Your bf has to man up and stand up to his brother and tell him that he isn't to treat the woman he loves (you) like that or he will have to deal with him. Unfortunately people like this really are cowards, they only treat people in this way who let them. Talk to your man calmly and tell him that you know he is close to his brother, and you don't want to come between them, but he has to talk to him and let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 My sdvice it to tell your B/F to man up and tell his brother to act more civally toward you... and that, if he won't (act nicely) that he'll punch him in the nose....
IF your "B/F" can't/won't speak up on your behalf, then you've got yourself a lousy "B/F" and you'll be better off without him and his nasty brother..... AND you can count your blessings that you didn't go any further (like marrying and bearing children) with him....
Good luck....
P.S. The brother sounds like an immature child... BUT what could you expect from someone who still lives with his parents at age 27 (or, 25, too!!!!!!)....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Brother is so used to playing this game and winning, his abusive, bully behaviour is being accepted and tolerated from your BF and it SHOULDN'T be.
No matter how close you are; you don't ALLOW others to mistreat the woman you love.
Disorder or not, it is highly unacceptable.
Time for your BF to act like a MAN and tell brother flat out. You NEVER had a problem with her before so all this garbage STOPS. I won't put up with it and she sure in the heck doesn't either.
When brother acts like that, both of you leave. Brother Needs some serious help via counseling. But its not your duty to get him to one.
Your duty is to walk away from abuse and have BF support you.
I NEVER let my friends or family abuse the ONE I love.
So what, you and BF move in together, get married and Bro In Law will still verbally abuse you, name call, down talk, threaten you and then will do the same to your children?
Sorry, but how does your BF find this healthy or acceptable behaviour??
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