A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone so I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what. But my boyfriend has a girl best friend I'm not used to dating guys who have girl best friends infact I absolutely hate it! But he's been friends with her way before we started dating. They talk on a daily basis like everyday. She buys him stuff and she likes him. He told her awhile back that they couldn't ever be more then just friends. I told him that it bothered me that she bought him things and that they talk every minute of every day. I felt like he was closer to her then me and I just didn't feel like his girlfriend he told her that they needed to calm down on the texting because I felt left out like he wasn't paying much attention to me anymore. He told her that I didst like her buying things for him either and he said she understood. But then earlier tonight she called him he answered and he didn't really wanna talk to her but when they hung up she said something and he said "you too" and then said bye. I asked him what she said cause when he said you to I thought maybe she said she loved him but he said she said bye. So I kept asking him what she said and he was getting mad he kept saying that he swore she didnt say she loved him and that if I didn't believe him then that was on me. She knows about me he mentions me when he talks to her. But then on her facebook she said I always seem to screw up with you. And then she said" if you really love me then catch me when I fall" am I just over thinking or what?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): You are overreacting and controlling. This is going to drive him away from you and maybe even start to develop feelings for her. It seems he feels comfortable with her but you make him feel UNcomfortable what with eyeing his movements, trying to eavesdrop on his phone conversations and demanding to know what was said on his phone call.
So he said "you too ". And you automatically assume it means "I love you ". That's on you. She probably said "was good catching up with you." Or "have a good weekend" or any other infinite number of things.
Basically if you start dating a guy and are upset that he has a female best friend who was there before you then it is on you to take it or leave him. Not to try to make him give up his friends who were there before you.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 September 2013):
 My feelings: who needs a relationship when you've already got a friendship like that. it's inappropriate and you shouldn't tolerate it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2013):
 nope I don't think you are wrong at all.. "you too" means "I love you too but I can't say it when SHE's here"
you can't issue an ultimatum. you can't tell him to not be friends with her... I'm sensing SHE's more into HIM than he is into her... BUT you can't force him to dump her and he's not going to.
YouWish makes great points.. their history does matter but their relationship is NOT going to change because you want it too.
I'm very torn on this one.... if they are quasi siblings then he just needs to rein her in a little (not that you can do that for him) and I'm sure with time that will happen. But if there was EVER more to it than that or it's a NEW relationship (a few years or less) then I'd tell him you can't cope with him being that close to her and I'd end it.
He may make the choice to dump her friendship over you or not.... risk you have to take.
IF you opt to stay with him and it's a newish relationship between them or they were ever more than quasi sibs... well then you have no room to complain you made a choice to tolerate another woman emotionally dating your man.
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A
female
reader, barcode12  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 Opposite sex as best friends to my understanding is that they were once attracted to one another during a point of time. I have a guy best friend. We are still close to each other although we have both settled down with our own partners.To what I feel that there is nothing that you should worry about. You are just feeling insecure about them. Because if she does love her, he would have chosen her instead of you. Talking to her is just his daily routine. Since they have been friends before you came in the picture, it's somehow unfair for them to stop their great friendship for you. Would you leave your best friend for a new relationship which you aren't sure that you will be in for the rest of your life? What if it ends? Is your best friend going to forgive you for completely cutting you out of his life because of your relationship?Why not ask him to introduce her to you. Get to know her. She might be your best friend too. Don't judge her from her actions. Get to know her. If knowing her make you feel as though she's in love with your boyfriend, talk to her. It's better dealing that way than adding stress to your boyfriend being the middle person. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2013):
 What is their history together? You didn't mention how they became to be best friends, because that is important on whether or not it's an issue in your relationship.
Often, family friends growing up remain close when they grow up. If she was a friend since childhood, which it sounds like she is, and especially if her parents were or are friends with your parents, the relationship he feels may be along the line of surrogate sibling.
Do you have evidence that she likes him as more than a friend? Has she said it? Did he tell you that she likes him?
She actually sounds really needy to me, and if your boyfriend knows that she likes him as more than a friend, then he's not only being disloyal to you by not stopping that once and for all, but he's not being a good friend to her by leading her on or accepting gifts meant to gain his affection. He likes your jealousy, and he likes her attention because it's fantastic for his ego. Two women fighting over him? Intoxicating.
However, if there has never been anything there, and they are surrogate siblings, then there's nothing you can do except accept her as part of his life, or leave him. She seems to have a willingness to accept a boundary (i.e. no buying him stuff), and if he's willing not to talk to her 24/7, then I think you're okay.
Is he going out with her a lot? Are they hanging out on weekends? Is he paying for her way? Doesn't sound like it to me. Usually, in these cases, guys instinctively back off of spending time with their platonic female friends when they have a girl in their life. THey're still in it, but the communication and all that backs off. In the best case scenario, the girlfriend becomes close to the guy's friend, resulting in a rich friendship. But that takes a lot of self-confidence and security in one's self to do that.
Boundaries are good here, but don't pressure him to break the friendship with her, UNLESS she likes him as more than a friend and it's been declared. In that case, it would be cruel for your boyfriend to keep her anyways, because by accepting her gifts and spending tons of time talking with her is leading her on, even if he is with you.
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A
male
reader, Boost  +, writes (24 September 2013):
This is definitely a tricky situation and one that has not only recently happened to me but variants of it can be seen on many other question sites. There is a line with friendships and by the sound of it he is crossing that line. He probably doesn't see what's right in front if him as many people don't. It sounds like she still wants to see him as more than a friend and he can not see that. I don't have a problem with guys having female friends and vice versa, what I do have an issue with is when it starts to impact a relationship. The most important thing here is trust. Ill use my situation as an example here. My ex started speaking to one of my friends in particular. As I stated I wouldn't have had a problem with it. However this then turned to going over to his house and only telling me after ignoring me for a good few hours. This went from bad to worse quite quickly it was then cinema on their own and with another couple for dinner and then finally getting to telling me she was busy when her family were away for a few nights and inviting him round. All of this behind my back and claiming they were just friends and the lies were only because I'd be annoyed. Now to put it in the context of your situation; if there's things don't add up, he's spotted doing things with her he shouldn't be exactly how my ex was found out, lying to you or if things just don't look right with it then in my experience if it looks like a duck, it's a duck. What can you do about it? Well I don't condone snooping, however in this instance I think it would be justified so you know exactly where you stand as just talking about it appears to have fallen on deaf ears. Another idea might be to make yourself a little less available to him - I'm not saying meet up with other guys to get your own back as that nearly always back fires. Just that you should be busy occasionally when he decides he isn't out with her if he goes out with her. One thing I found that was quite effective is she would text so much and I knew exactly who it was (situation happened a few times with different people some I knew some I didn't) so when she started sending a long text whilst trying to make it so I had no chance of seeing who it is I would immediately stop talking, get up and walk away no matter what I was doing or saying. In other words draw attention to it happening, suddenly I found the number of times I was doing this dropped. It's definitely a subject that will not just go away and I hope you manage to sort it before it escalates. Hope I have helped in someway
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (24 September 2013):
Sounds like over thinking and over reacting. You've gotten upset for an assumption and in trying to deal with this problem you are essentially pushing him away. So he said "you too" and you thought she said "I love you". What if she said "take care"? What if she said "enjoy the rest of your night"? You should at least get upset for something you are sure about.
If he did like her then he would be with her, not so? But that isn't the case because he rejected her already. You also should not force someone to stop being friend with someone else. I am sure if it were you, and you had a best guy friend, you would not like to be forced to make a choice when you aren't doing anything wrong. If the two of you do break up, at this rate it will be because of you. Try to step back and re-analyse the situation to understand it, instead of trying to control it with your emotions.
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