A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay guy and have been going out with my boyfriend for 7 months ago. I am out to friends and family, and my boyfriend isn't. I am really falling for this guy and he has met my friends and family, but I am finding it really hard because he is not out and therefore I can't meet his friends or family. He has moved in with a friend and I feel like I can't be myself when I go to his now. I really want to be with him, but I hate having to hide our relationship and that I am excluded from his life. I feel like its a constant pressure on the relationship and that he is ashamed of me and who he is. We talk about him coming out sometimes he is ok but sometimes he gets defensive and comes up with excuses not to.what should I do????????
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthings are going really well since our chat - my bf is still not out but we talk about it when he wants to and i try not to make it an issue right now.
he says he want to be with me longterm so he will come out when he is ready, so i am bein supportive.
it does worry me sometimes but i think he is probably worth it
A
male
reader, Bladerade16  +, writes (25 September 2010):
As a rule, I don't usually date people who aren't out because I like being open about my relationship and it is really hard to be with someone who keeps you a secret.
Straight boys and girls would never put up with someone keeping their relationship a secret, why should we?
But, I've been in your situation before, where you fall for a guy who is still trapped in that closet.
I don't want to tell you to give him an ultimatum...but, your options are few.
Offer your help in his coming out, perhaps?
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (23 September 2010):
Well... you can't FORCE anyone to come out - short of outing them yourself... which you DON'T wanna do!
There's LOTS of reasons for not coming out... and almost as many for it.
Personal happiness is the most compelling... so if you're trying to get him to come out, try appealing to that element.
But again, he'll only come out when he's ready to... and you can't and shouldn't force him to.
Give him a few more months... and then suggest living together. If you're still together and that's what you both want to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe have had a chat about it and I think come to an understanding. He knows that I can't be with someone longterm who isn't open about our relationship. I also understand its a big thing and he needs some time to come round to the idea and build up his courage. He says he does want to come out but in his own time. so I am going to try and be patient about it. Thanks for your comments it really helps to get a different view because sometimes you get an idea in your head and think your right.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (23 September 2010):
 dont push him, if he cant do it then maybe you need to move on. its not something you can force and in this case appears to be a deal breaker for you.
you have to think that things might go wrong if he was forced and it could split you up anyway.
if you cant go and do the things that make a relationship serious and that show your commitment then it is neither capable of being serious or commited.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (22 September 2010):
Just let him come out in his own time. When someone comes out is an important event and he needs to do that only when he is ready. He obviously isn't ready yet. Just be patient with him and I personaly wouldn't bring it up around him. If he wants to talk about it that's fine, but I would leave him alone about this.
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