A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is in his 45 and we have been very hapoy for 12 months. We had plans to rent our places and to buy a place together. Then his 20 year son moved back in with him. Everything has changed. My 24 year old son has moved out and is very happy and working hard and his life is good. My boyfriends son is more challenging. He's looking for a job, is lazy unmotivated and rude. His mums new husband wont have him back due to this. They have tried and tried.I get on fine with him as I try and be a friend but I couldn't live there. He's not going anywhere and the strain on me and my boyfriend's relationship is building and building.Im just about ready to quit. I see most of the problems due to 20 years of over indulgence weak parenting and feel sorry things have come to this. Every time I try and suggest ways to improve their relationship I'm called controlling or interfering. I cant win :( My boyfriend says he's trying to sort out his son but I can see him living there forever. .....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is not about his son, it is about your bf having a fatal flaw, which is his inability to define clear boundaries and protect the relationship he is in. He raised a monster so now he has to reap what he sowed. This is not aboutthe son, this is a reflection on HIM. Break up with him and tell him that once he is ready to be in a relationship he can call you and if you are atoll available you may reconsider.
And yes, you are being controlling by "making suggestions " to him for how to deal with his son. Unless he asked for your help, he doesn't want it.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I think the key phrase in your submittal is this one:
" I cant win :( "
My reply: Why bother? Dump B/F and let HIM decide how to survive his good-for-nothing son. (After all... HE "produced" him!!!!).
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Thanks so much for your replies which have really helped. This lad has been thoroughly indulged and I cant see him moving out for years. He is so lazy and unmotivated I doubt he will ever work. I get on fine with him because its not my responsibility and I can talk to him but now my boyfriend says that I am trying to tell him how to be a parent, Im backing off!!! I have only ever offered suggestions on how to support and encourage his son with job applications and building up his confidence by talking through problems he has wuth his mum to build them closer. I have a soft spot for teens as my years were difficult at home and my parents also
I just feel sad that our relationship has changed so much.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I agree with C. Grant.
DO NOT move in. I would step back a little bit too, the son of your BF is not yours to raise, and IF your BF wants advice, then you can offer otherwise, I can see why he thinks it's you meddling.
I would suggest you spend your time together MORE at your place them his.
I have seen what having adult children move back in can do to a relationship (my BIL has 3 daughters who are all more or less "incompetent" when it comes to acting or being grown ups.)
If it was YOUR son cause the rift and the drama, you could put a foot down, but it's HIS son. That is on him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 As C. Grant says, his son is always going to come first.
You don't say when this boy came back to his father's, but I sort of guess that it wasn't eons ago, maybe it's just a matter of few months. I am sure that , notwithstanding your fears, the boy does not even dream to stay with dad " forever". Probably he wants to find a place for himself ( and the way to afford it ) , just the process is not speedy enough for your tastes ( again, understandably ). But, expecting that he reforms himself and turns into a model citizen, paragon of virtue and industriousness, and backbreaking worker... in order to clear the cost for you to get in, it's optimistic and unrealistic. I am sure his father too does not want to have him hanging around for years to come, - but he is willing to let him move and get organized at a pace that is comfortable for them both.
making suggestions to improve their relationship is wellmeant, but inevitably is going to be received as controlling and interfering . Or as a not too veiled critique to his parenting skills. Plus, he can't help feel there's a vested interest ( you want to move in ) in your disinterested advice, so even if it is offered with the ets , purests intentions, it's not going to be welcome. You should really not suggest anything, and let this father sort out his own son in his own way.
Since, unluckily, there is really nothing much you can do, it's up to you, if you can patiently wait for the natural unfolding of events , and have a good hapy relationship even without cohabitation ( I don't see why you couldn't ! here are so many less stresses and less problems when you DON'T live together ! ). Or else, if living together is your priority, and you don't have enough patience- end the relationship and move on to someone who's baggage-free.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I do try to cut young people like this some slack -- it's not their fault that they were badly raised. At some point though they have to realize that there's a problem and work at improving themselves. Otherwise how can they succeed in the world?
Unfortunately there's precious little you can do. Your boyfriend isn't open to your suggestions, and it's a sure bet that the son won't be either. Of course you should cancel your plans to move in -- it would be a toxic environment for you. His son is always going to come first. Your choice, unfortunately, is to put on a happy face and ignore the rudness, or to move on.
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