A
female
age
41-50,
*unamoth
writes:I am 30 years old, living with my 38 year old boyfriend and his 7 year old daughter. She still sleeps in his bed sometimes, and for this reason I have to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, while living with my boyfriend. I feel like he is not making room for me in his life and am wondering, really, if I should move on. If there will ever be room for me in his life. The child has a kind of terrible mother, doesn't pay attention to her, mentally unstable, and I think my boyfriend tries to compensate for this by showering attention, and he enjoys the closeness of her sometimes sleeping in his bed. I think it is great that he does this, except the part where she still sleeps in his bed. I have always felt that this the one place where the couple spends 'couple time', and kids should respect that. I know nowadays kids sleep in parents' beds more, but I still feel like, while living with my boyfriend, I should be able to sleep in his bed, not his daughter. If he were single it would be a different story, but he's with me, and he says he wants to marry me, have my kids, etc...but I can't sleep in his bed. It is my choice to not sleep in his bed, but it is because his daughter still sleeps there, and I just don't think it's appropriate for me to be sleeping with her. Plus, I adore sleep too much to be deprived. He knows this, and makes the choice to continue to allow her to sleep there, while I sleep in my own room. We have been dating for 2 years, but have only been living together for 4 months. I am living here temporarily while I look for a house to buy. I see this as a 'test run' for future, more permanent cohabitation, and his being unable to have his daughter sleep in her own room is making it difficult for me to picture my life with him, a future for all of us. I love the child dearly, and I love him too, but I am 30 and need to move on if this isn't going to work. My boyfriend still fights pretty consistently with the child's mother, and custody is a bit of a constant battle. There is no real set schedule and it is always up in the air where the child is going, to his house or hers, but I feel this just leaves room for more fighting between my boyofriend and the child's mother. Not to mention confusion for the kid. I keep waiting for the chaos to end and for me to just be able to have a normal relationship with this man I do adore, but I have been waiting for pretty much the entire duration of our relationship. He talks about having children with me, yet, I feel doesn't truly make room for me in his life. I tell him that to make room for something new and better he needs to better resolve his past. He acts like if he just ignores it, it will go away. This is how he lives his life. I am very different. I can't settle when there is a problem, I will work to fix something as it arises, until I am satisfied that it is solved. His complacency irritates me and makes me wonder if this is how he would deal with 'our' life were we to more strongly commit to one another.Basically, I turned 30 and am now looking at my life with ALOT more scrutiny!Help!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): Well I have been here done that so hopefully I can help you. My ex and I dated two years, co-habitated for 7 months and he got his four year old every other weekend and usually one night a week and she has always slept in hisi bed since birth practically and when he moved in here, we got her her own canopy bed in her own room and she called it her "tent" bed. She turned five during those months. She slept in her bed some nights but often crept out to get into ours and he would take her into the guest room and sleep with her there. Sometimes the next morning she would crawl into bed with just me to wake me up and put her feet all over me and giggle...it was cute..but she was four. She also had an unstable home life with her mom, mom moved her 6 times in one year along with breaking up and living with the same guy twice, and she was stressed out about it and missing her dad.
Dad and child's mom do not get along, he tries, but she is just a bitch plain and simple and she will probably never change.
First off to answer your question, you two are in Our life together now and this is how he deals with the child at this age.
The fighting between an unstable mother and himself over custody will never end...here's a clue, this has been going on for seven years and the patterns are ingrained.
A seven year old girl is too old to be sleeping alone with her father, it isn't healthy for her independence and developing identity, but I am no expert. It is sad that she misses her dad, but she may also feel she will dissapoint dad if she doesn't crawl into his bed.
If you are uncomfortable or unhappy with the sleeping arrangements that counts! Express your feelings in a non judgemental way to him and offer to go out a buy a new bed set for her and give her some rules about sleeping all night in her new bed. She is not a baby any more and even though she is not your biological child you are his partner and you will want to be able to set some limits on your own as well and to bond with her....this is a great age to do that.
If this is your only problem, I think it is fixable but you are going to need his cooperation and I can't see why he wouldn't want to be sleeping with you, his child is old enough not feel replaced by you in any way as long as he spends some special time alone with her.
We also put up a tent in our backyard and the two of them got in there with sleeping bags and flashlights and read stories, which she liked, but she did not want to sleep out there with him...we thought taking it outside of the house might help her, but it just ended up being a fun little diversion for one night!
If there are other problems in the relationship like you feeling like you are always second to his daughter then that could be a problem. I was tolerant of being second, I assumed that as the child got older and we got closer as a couple that it would shift at some point, after all older kids seperate more on their own from their parents.
But we had a lot of other issues going on and I started the ball rolling towards a breakup and we are no longer together. I am happy about that, just so you know.
Hope I helped in some way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): My brother who is 8 still sleeps in my mom`s bed,I think that he should know better!..come on your his GIRLFRIEND!!...sit him down and say "Look hun,Your a great Dad...but do you think you are babying ---- too much?!...if this is going to work...we are going to have to set up some boundaries"..does she sleep in his bed everynight?...if so..maybe suggest for the moment that Friday night she can sleep in his bed...sooner or later she wont want to sleep in there because she is a "big girl and big girl`s sleep in the own beds"
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, betty_black  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Well my brother still wants to sleep in my mums bed now and hes ten! If you let the child do it from a young age they latch on and decide they want to do it right up until its embarrassing and theyre growing up. I think the important thing is to sit down with him and discuss it, its not right at her age, she needs to start growing up and realising her own independence in the world or else she will latch on to her dad forever and never grow up fully, always depend on him. Which is a dangerous situation cos parents are always gonna be around.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Be honest with him, make a time to sit down and let him know exactly how you feel, honesty is the best policy :)
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